These beers taste like I have no idea where my kids are.

Just curious what the lady next to me weighs without the perfume.

Just saw a guy riding a brand new scooter on my way to work. Even had a cute little compartment for his virginity.

If I were a gynecologist my motto would be "I am always at your cervix".

My eharmony video bio would be way better if you couldn't hear my wife yelling at me from upstairs.

In my store shoplifters will be prostituted.

Not sure where my 8 year old learned to make such a good Whiskey sour but its hardly worth investigating.

They say you shouldn't drive a car if taking narcotics, but the unicorn in my passenger seat thinks that's ridiculous.

I would be more than happy if you or anyone else gave me a dose of my own medicine. By the way, I like my percocet crushed.

For someone who is about to make $2500, my drug dealer could stand to be a little more punctual.

I think its safe to assume that Will Smith and DJ Jazzy Jeff had different managers

Every time I go for a run, I wonder if that will be the one where I end up gripping my chest in my neighbor's flower bed.

I don't know how many times I've told my 11 year old to let the wine breathe before she pours it. She can think about that in her room.

Coincidence that Anderson Cooper comes out of the closet the same week Tom Cruise announces his divorce? I think not.

I just masturbated to a co-worker's vacation photos on Facebook. Even more inappropriate, is the fact that I'm at Starbucks.

Tonight I plan to make my liver work as hard as Kirstie Alley's knees and ankles.

My favorite yoga position is "downward facing clitoris".

The best thing about being a vampire would be the ability to reuse your tweets from 150 years ago. 

Any time I meet a woman named Susan, I assume she's lazy, can carry a lot of items, and has no problem being spun around. 

I'm sending sexy back. It's become too much.