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Top 3 invisible things:
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
"Excuse me, is your name Weakness?" "No. I'm Kindness. Don't worry, people make that mistake all the time."
"What's this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?" - My mum.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest...
“Hi, I’m Bruce Man. I mean, I’m Bat Wayne. I mean.. Fuck!” — Batman, terribly drunk.
You could probably torture a woman by duct taping her mouth and making her apply mascara.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I'll show myself out.
They say milk gives u strength. Drink 10 glasses you can't move a wall. But drink 10 shots of tequila and see, the wall moves on its own!
I'll need about 5 minutes to familiarise myself with your microwave before you watch me use it. ALONE, please. I don't need an audience.
I wanted to thank you personally for the retweet. That’s why I’m in your house.
No thanks, Inspirational Tweeter, I’m only here for the jokes and the meltdowns.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
You are the music you listen to when no one else is around.
“I came as soon as I got your text.” - Premature sexting.
Every time a woman yawns, a man uses his imagination.
I think I'll try to get all my procrastination done early next time.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
I know quite a few 7s who became 9s because of personality, but I know even more 10s who became 4s for the same reason.
Unless you've been locked in a chastity belt by your overbearing father the King, you have no reason to complain about lack of sex, ladies.