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At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
"What's this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?" - My mum.
“Hi, I’m Bruce Man. I mean, I’m Bat Wayne. I mean.. Fuck!” — Batman, terribly drunk.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I'll show myself out.
I wanted to thank you personally for the retweet. That’s why I’m in your house.
No thanks, Inspirational Tweeter, I’m only here for the jokes and the meltdowns.
I'll need about 5 minutes to familiarise myself with your microwave before you watch me use it. ALONE, please. I don't need an audience.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Every time a woman yawns, a man uses his imagination.
You are the music you listen to when no one else is around.
“I came as soon as I got your text.” - Premature sexting.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
I know quite a few 7s who became 9s because of personality, but I know even more 10s who became 4s for the same reason.
Whatever, Recommended Serving Size. You don’t know me.
Johnny Depp has no clue what his real voice is supposed to be any more.
Retweets might annoy you but it most probably made somebody else’s day. Twitter is not all about you, doucheface.
I would elbow drop a kitten for Andre 3000 to release a new album.
If your girl asks you to name all the women you’ve slept with, stop at her name.
I just stopped the microwave after the time disappeared but before the beep, in case anyone needs me to defuse a bomb.
Lance Armstrong was a drug peddler?