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So it turns out, outside twitter, alcoholism is considered a "bad" thing.
The customer is always right.
Which is also why my wife loves to shop.
"That couldn't have been a squirrel, squirrels don't come out this late"
*Apparently squirrels have curfews now, according to my brain.
I iron my shirts by wearing them.
- Bottoms that ruin my day
"911, what's your emerg-"
"The women at work have synced their uteri and it's Hell"
"Sir uteri is not plural for ute-"
Bouncer: Woah. Dress code
Me: This is a suit
B: Yeah, a chicken suit.
*puts nugget in bouncer's pocket
M: We good?
B: Have fun, sir
We can do this the hard way or the easy way. Oh, the hard way? Thought you'd say easy way. Never mind then.
911: what's your emergency?
M: I'm out of ketchup.
911: miss I don't think u get how 911 works.
M: I DONT THINK U GET HOW HOT DOGS WORK
I'm sorry I slapped you but you didn't seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
It sucks when you're having sex and you yell "Who's your daddy?" and she says "I don't know". Then she starts crying..
I don't mean to brag but I once waited 7 minutes to reply to a text from the guy I like.
I know a thing or two about playing hard to get.
My wife just said "it's fine, don't worry about it, do whatever the fuck you want"
Whew! For a second there I thought she'd be mad.
She's a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
"Can you validate my parking?"
"You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud."
*wipes away tears* "Thanks."
- Deadly bromance
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
I love telling women to succumb. If you pronounce it right, it kills two birds with one stone.
I just had the sex talk with my son. It went pretty well. I learned a lot.
You're the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.