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- Deadly bromance
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
I love telling women to succumb. If you pronounce it right, it kills two birds with one stone.
I just had the sex talk with my son. It went pretty well. I learned a lot.
You're the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
How to be a bouncer:
1) be an asshole.
2) stand near a door.
*not sure what's going on*
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What's the problem?
Please tell us?
-You know what's the problem
Wifi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family.
They seem like nice people.
Think you're successful? There have been dog astronauts. How do you like that, loser?
I once sucker punched a hipster and he said, "That's not cool," and I said, "Yet" then we hugged and had a good laugh.
Cop: License and registration please, ma'am.
Me: Have I aged a lot since this photo was taken?
Cop: Watch your speed, miss. Have a nice day.
I prefer to call it a "Ta-Da" list. Cause it'd be fucking amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
I don't want to "out her," but I'm pretty certain this woman I'm dating is a lesbian.
Whenever I see "Write down one interesting fact about yourself." I immediately forget everything I've ever done and seen ever
What's the appropriate age to tell a screenplay that it's adapted?
Whenever I view my iPod's "Most Played" songs, I realize I have no right to criticize anyone's taste in anything.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.
911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.
Me: This is so us.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
~ An easy to read pamphlet about how to send DMs to strangers