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Guy on plane : So, where are you going to?
Me : I'm guessing it's the same place you're going.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Signs you have a Twitter addiction:
1. You're reading this.
Your an idiot.
-You're not your.
But I said it. I didn't type it. We're talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You're an idiot.
How to please a woman:
Nope, but keep trying.
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn't look stupid.
I always try to make a good first depression.
I might not be an alcoholic, but I’m never more than twelve steps away from a liquor store.
Wait, I'm supposed to kill 'em with kindness?
[sadly puts down ninja stars and nunchucks]
Friend: that baby's so cute I could just eat it.
Me: go on then, eat it. I want to watch you eat the fucking baby.
*does nerdy science tweet*
*gets all the felis catus*
'do you like kids?'
never tried one but they sound delicious
'no i meant-'
where did you see those on here?
"So where are you from?"
- I'm a Liberian
"Oh sorry *whispers* where are you from?"
Sext: Never mind. I did it myself.
My doctor: “Do you have any pains after sexual intercourse?''
Me: “They usually don't call back afterwards, and that kinda hurts."
The fact that caregiver and caretaker means the same thing is why I have trust issues.
I'm gonna try to convince my son to leave Doritos and beer for Santa Claus this year.
Give me a little space...
NOT. THAT. FUCKING. MUCH!!!
I AM SORRY I DIDN'T FOLLOW YOU BACK WHILE I WAS ASLEEP YOUR MAJESTY
Why is it acceptable to say "let's go out for drinks" but not "let's stay in for drugs" when making first date suggestions? Dating is hard.
Serial hugger. Snapchat: timtippa
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