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  • veggiefemme
      veggie femme @veggiefemme

    So it turns out, outside twitter, alcoholism is considered a "bad" thing.

    • 807
    • FAVS
    Adar79AngielvvzzhereholddeezRowdyReneKirstensDeskPippilongjohnseanmac1904belleworld_
    • 418
    • RETWEETS
    lvvzzPippilongjohnBrokenPalabrasMartianAmbassadBadMikeyBadSophieHuttonBelleronoAllieEm120
    mrt1mDouchekevinHalbeerz
  • ShaunRightNow
      Shaun Right Now @ShaunRightNow

    The customer is always right.
    Which is also why my wife loves to shop.

    • 26
    • FAVS
    HabbibtiPc7918BRADsgtpd75aKhalifa101RickyScampneakeldarinlovesbaconLuvsMyMunchkie
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    redpawn3LuvsMyMunchkielovemydogduckCraveYeezusfleekist__
    mrt1m
  • J_Illunninati
      J @J_Illunninati

    "That couldn't have been a squirrel, squirrels don't come out this late"

    *Apparently squirrels have curfews now, according to my brain.

    • 36
    • FAVS
    sun_sand_oceanCletusHammerGoldenSpiralsraininmyhandssilent_musingstweetJill22man_spachBrutalParagon
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    silent_musingsiluvmuttsHollyceHman_spachSTitusRCamel_Crushinangeliav68BrownBoxers
    mrt1m
  • Jay1972Jay
      Jay @Jay1972Jay

    I iron my shirts by wearing them.

    • 36
    • FAVS
    shopkins776Tmoney68DigHerUpGrind_n_RollFredPollackWHEREISWALTJNRwithanewnameRangeelaDesi
    • 26
    • RETWEETS
    chrisreidradioMarcARobinsonTmoney68DigHerUpwithanewnameRangeelaDesigreeklsassydszippit
    mrt1m
  • aveuaskew
      Olivia @aveuaskew

    Liquor bottle
    Wine bottle
    Pill bottle
    Rock
    Kim Kardashian

    - Bottoms that ruin my day

    • 196
    • FAVS
    Mindless4MilesRJ_Number8TheMichaelRocksquirrel74wkgnonume_Amelia_DrawsTheChickWithTheTheTalkingPipe
    • 89
    • RETWEETS
    JaymieDaviesleggomymeggo88grigsby_larryPapa_Mexaliciamsurmrtruthandsoulmycr8ivemindSickayduh
    mrt1m
  • Sickayduh
      Eldge @Sickayduh

    "911, what's your emerg-"

    "The women at work have synced their uteri and it's Hell"

    "Sir uteri is not plural for ute-"

    "TAMPI EVERYWHERE"

    • 6,102
    • FAVS
    ernurse15CAITBBKFkris10reynoldslitLgrrrlAnemoneOhRockStar13arbieKhalilsaad7deathtoscumbags
    • 4,190
    • RETWEETS
    Vicklepickle3westside_samernurse15CNASuperHeroCAITBBKFKhalilsaad7ArrowsOfTheSunMandiAtRandom
    LuckoftheDraw8610InchesPlusmrt1mGeauxSaints79KaylaKFosterLosLos__FrenulumBreveJakeSocialPlaying_DadJabba_Jabba_JawTheDailySchmuckCpin42KatieBurnetteeethanfordBook_KrazyTheRolocelestinelea90TheCareBareVN_RubenKnob_ishMatt_The_1st1BigMicklilgapeach32SternoShotsTwo_sneaksrandomlawlessbluebayoubyyou____DionneMcNuttbakedbrotatoesRobElliottComicFatuousFloozy__JessObsessNervousJrDishy2101michaeljdawsonAlyssa_Jolie__Adar79AngiejeannerbeanerKyleMcDowell86ibid78imacountrypeachMrJeremyHornBluestmoon_JosesLovesYouCoopSoSarc________Dkoppen2MacaronMelLamplified
  • sarcasm_inc
      Blank. @sarcasm_inc

    Bouncer: Woah. Dress code
    Me: This is a suit
    B: Yeah, a chicken suit.
    *puts nugget in bouncer's pocket
    *pats it
    M: We good?
    B: Have fun, sir

    • 2,162
    • FAVS
    northern_trashWhykakaWhymkxo_valzhogansamsrabinKarakovacs47BAMdiggity11BoldlyJane
    • 1,369
    • RETWEETS
    7seingharibpretty_gravesnorthern_trashWhykakaWhyTobias_ChampionsamsrabinBenSwaimBoldlyJane
    iamjeffsloanthotpocketsmrt1mOldUncleDaveOTheRolosummerofbennySparkCityComedyjoeljeffreycaperbc75pinupteacherholypurgatoryMichaelLarrickWakenbake77MrJeremyHornphilyuckCpin42bennybootAmandasNotFunnySam_Alan33__corinnemlwsw
  • TheTalkingPipe
      Brother Ben @TheTalkingPipe

    We can do this the hard way or the easy way. Oh, the hard way? Thought you'd say easy way. Never mind then.

    • 402
    • FAVS
    R15S5cookiesnweedDenhamIoneArtfulDetectiveboozynerdLaniKaiDuckdanorslim2yoopnative
    • 269
    • RETWEETS
    baliska2LaniKaiDuckdanorslim2yoopnativelilgapeach32CursitivitySoVeryTesorodarkvader185
    mrt1mBlue_Plus_Green
  • notbedelia
      amelia @notbedelia

    911: what's your emergency?

    M: I'm out of ketchup.

    911: miss I don't think u get how 911 works.

    M: I DONT THINK U GET HOW HOT DOGS WORK

    • 1,358
    • FAVS
    Neon_DragonThisisme4821regularguy911joci2203cabbage_sanjustme_DebbiPumpkinbabypiebiggestjerkhere
    • 870
    • RETWEETS
    Neon_Dragonregularguy911joci2203cabbage_sanjustme_DebbiPumpkinbabypieGermanFreckleschronicfap27
    mrt1mJohnBechardfillthevacuumboobsareimplied
  • mllebeckyrose
      becca @mllebeckyrose

    I'm sorry I slapped you but you didn't seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

    • 2,579
    • FAVS
    RealShaughnTheCattyLadyrosiguastelladarrrkstarrrkelseykodankoala8475ornerynanamicropea
    • 1,839
    • RETWEETS
    TheCattyLadyrosiguastellaseducenndestroydarrrkstarrrOneVoiceOneUSAornerynanakubrown08SandyMonroeXXX
    anja_drischmrt1msilent_musingsDontFuckWithMomshashaintlShrinkMediaBeforeTheDamageShock_Monster__pbear79GhostOfATrophy____DurtMcHurttlittlekitnerboyVodkaShorebirdkillyougood
  • dixinormus10
      DIXINORMUS @dixinormus10

    It sucks when you're having sex and you yell "Who's your daddy?" and she says "I don't know". Then she starts crying..

    • 779
    • FAVS
    salazarsboxingPsychoAmericanJSLauderdalehythemafiamrt1mnovicefatheryoulooksocool9idiosity
    • 440
    • RETWEETS
    salazarsboxingPsychoAmericanJSLauderdaleBigmouthdummyreadingtweets21hpb777ninjadinosaur1waynebratton1
    mrt1mCpin42Douchekevinmixednutz35______MrToleton
  • Snarfernini
      It's Stephanie @Snarfernini

    I don't mean to brag but I once waited 7 minutes to reply to a text from the guy I like.

    I know a thing or two about playing hard to get.

    • 867
    • FAVS
    lolpleaseshutupCheetoBandito77salamingiajayenn21st_Ainigma_oohsoverykinkyNailah_222222steviethek
    • 441
    • RETWEETS
    lolpleaseshutup_Ainigma_oohsoverykinkykwirkyKerriadler50episodesTracyL66Mind_fukkTruculent67
    mrt1mBrowneyed_mama
  • SamDeLanche
      Sam @SamDeLanche

    My wife just said "it's fine, don't worry about it, do whatever the fuck you want"

    Whew! For a second there I thought she'd be mad.

    • 1,499
    • FAVS
    vulcan_kellyjaggedapeThe_Cat_Queen_idgetwidgetNarissaKaterinareviousClaudineMJShot_Of_Cabo
    • 863
    • RETWEETS
    jaggedapeShot_Of_CaboJay16282NotYourAngel1jambie61dporterjax33BabyGirlsBossTracyL66
    mrt1mpbear79fixyourcompasscorinnemlwswHaha_No_Mofo______LindaInDisguiseseagullski__angryassbastardFudgeRobotJulieSnarkspekulation
  • SoulYodeler
      SoulCoffin @SoulYodeler

    She's a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.

    • 1,172
    • FAVS
    sithlord_whoSparkleComaGo2SlpScigglez_Ms_Moneypenny_crilomakCurly_gurl135ImaFlyontheWall
    • 774
    • RETWEETS
    TreyJacobsenCartermen417Go2SlpCurly_gurl135ImaFlyontheWallMafiaJoker78Kennyc2653DarkerDerrick
    mrt1mwilliamsonnierCheetoBandito77
  • GrantTanaka
      Grant Tanaka @GrantTanaka

    "Can you validate my parking?"
    "You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud."
    *wipes away tears* "Thanks."

    • 2,716
    • FAVS
    ohpeetieTrentidonNichols_n_DimesVinnyTheCenzoAvalonLeighCatherineLMKnhesgonenchambers96
    • 1,755
    • RETWEETS
    ohpeetieClarity1185JRODFORTOMORROWRealestTrevorLoesfantasticolilgapeach32b_leucheesehereholddeez
    mrt1m1800RandyTeowulfmichaelpathlaurajennyjorutesperanzajoeljeffreyRidiculousSheriHeidiGolightly
  • icrushedmyhalo
      Crushed My Halo @icrushedmyhalo

    Ebrola.

    - Deadly bromance

    • 115
    • FAVS
    RAQ_33NautilusCarlySherylKeehirojesusNotoriusSrBExpensiveThrillABeau2ifulMindtattooedbuddhas
    • 83
    • RETWEETS
    SherylKeehirojesusCanComicStonedOnPlutoExpensiveThrillABeau2ifulMindDopedOutDollyesthataimee
    mrt1m
  • UncleDuke1969
      Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969

    [job interview]

    Him: What’s your greatest strength?
    Me: I’m very independent.
    Him: …
    Me: …
    Him: …
    Me: Tell him, Mom.
    Mom: He is!

    • 533
    • FAVS
    MaggieDownenGenevieve0404atanenhausJensemiirTMcgutsjilleb163hstweetheartkrishna_van
    • 345
    • RETWEETS
    TMcgutskrishna_vanthepopcornninjaScarsFourEyesRunsWthTurtlesAsbo_Unicornclemwinnittymarima
    mrt1mDonnie_Fairburnjimmy_sharpe
  • _SetTheHook_
      Southpaw @_SetTheHook_

    I love telling women to succumb. If you pronounce it right, it kills two birds with one stone.

    • 205
    • FAVS
    DurtMcHurttMelissaJoy33BitsofBissNJFreudian_Ms_Moneypenny_Pineapple_Cake_McMhorneMrTallPaul1
    • 91
    • RETWEETS
    NJFreudianPineapple_Cake_MrTallPaul1Ahew86SnarferniniARealTinderellamrtruthandsoul_NTFG_
    mrt1mKinkQueen
  • Just_BCS
      Just B @Just_BCS

    I just had the sex talk with my son. It went pretty well. I learned a lot.

    • 1,414
    • FAVS
    AndTheEyesWinOutsideMetroguacamolly29mmabarbie007sweetmeags2013evildadatronsurefirecaps1_swarthy_dude
    • 812
    • RETWEETS
    AndTheEyesWinMemories1960OutsideMetrokissmeimkinkyc_benson4bHarmonyRamblesevildadatronBenderIsGreat7M
    TheBeerGuy73mrt1mginzyj1983BritishNicx4CrocsAndrewShepard86__
  • Just_BCS
      Just B @Just_BCS

    You're the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.

    • 2,151
    • FAVS
    abhoi148CraigChamberlina_man_named_JEDHarmonyRamblesAleayahMarieevanecclestoneevildadatronDrBoozenit
    • 1,668
    • RETWEETS
    CraigChamberlina_man_named_JEDAleayahMariediamond_minxxevildadatronAneessahAImsohoppykasauda
    lovemyboots1113_livijoeljeffreysexncakemrt1mhottentotsgotSufficientCharmSteveOHellNoHiddleDeeDeeMrsMikePattonandroszrTotesJelly72Courtniss_
@mrt1m

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