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  • _SetTheHook_
      Southpaw @_SetTheHook_

    I love telling women to succumb. If you pronounce it right, it kills two birds with one stone.

    • 176
    • FAVS
    SherBoBerlouisjewellimasmartass37yourpencilskirtTheAlexPdafloydstaStupidSophia_michowl
    • 79
    • RETWEETS
    imasmartass37TheAlexPdafloydstaMoe_Lee_michowlcsmith5050AGStr8upNinjaBoleyngirly
    mrt1mKinkQueen
  • Just_BCS
      Just B @Just_BCS

    I just had the sex talk with my son. It went pretty well. I learned a lot.

    • 1,248
    • FAVS
    LaniBenosexncakeschumyxxxQuirkyPicklemrt1mNerdyPeachiinkedZombieitsDezmAtiCK
    • 698
    • RETWEETS
    LaniBenoNerdyPeachdarkmatter_wimpiinkedZombieiMayaK_VodkantotsSaveItForFestJIMBOSWELT
    mrt1mginzyj1983NicPH4CrocsAndrewShepard86__
  • Just_BCS
      Just B @Just_BCS

    You're the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.

    • 2,104
    • FAVS
    anne_seattlesexncakeNerdyPeachJustForHTmc_funbagsBlunt_Masta_JayLordAl3xand3rluuloos
    • 1,629
    • RETWEETS
    anne_seattlesexncakesarahmerie17NerdyPeachmc_funbagsLordAl3xand3rdarkmatter_wimpWritethatdown12
    mrt1mhottentotsgotSufficientCharmSteveOHellNoHiddleDeeDeeMrsMikePattonandroszrTotesJelly72Courtniss_
  • Tbone7219
      Tony P. @Tbone7219

    How to be a bouncer:

    1) be an asshole.

    2) stand near a door.

    • 3,365
    • FAVS
    GrrrRachsecondhandfrownGina52263819OutOfLeftField_ShowUrDimplesvenkaiceprincesJuceeRobiGreenMonk
    • 2,025
    • RETWEETS
    GrrrRachsecondhandfrownShowUrDimplesvenkaiceprincesJamiemacrfcmarytalbCodyCoconutsTheCattyLady
    mrt1mStupidSophia_sophied40Thee1_4USocial_MimeBaldyLockzzthe_couch_guy____Shock_Monster__SparkCityComedyTitansHomerabbeyaarHrBrybkdcaseyveinarmorWhatsHerFace33
  • SkinnieTalls
      Skinnie Talls @SkinnieTalls

    *not sure what's going on*

    *participates*

    • 943
    • FAVS
    sass_n_asswhatevererikkacarrianneftscheckprincessBaeBitch1kcmoore51gogojuhsDiamondGirl127
    • 773
    • RETWEETS
    sass_n_asswhatevererikkaboobsareimpliedkcmoore51novicefatherMiz_Mental_CasezTequilademontangled_trouble
    mrt1mPetiteRainCityalldrolledupjuneohara65
  • JakeSocial
      Jake Up @JakeSocial

    First woman on Moon:
    -Huston, we have a problem?
    What?
    -Never mind
    What's the problem?
    -Nothing
    Please tell us?
    -You know what's the problem

    • 5,805
    • FAVS
    Cheetoe4GregMacereload2015ella__fraserHpHubertbluetractorteresaanne1979Roro_superloser
    • 6,539
    • RETWEETS
    wenaneobikeymikey70ale_arellanoLoveinPristinareload2015ella__fraserHpHubertbluetractor
    mrt1mbigmacherBobTheSuitlilgapeach32Browneyed_mamaArroiaTheSnideOnejon_aleynerdculadaniel_shawbonertardTorriablealittlecontrary__Cnelson019Carol
  • XAIMMadellynne
      ~Tweety~ @XAIMMadellynne

    Wifi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family.

    They seem like nice people.

    • 974
    • FAVS
    miss_Crazy4uchompy_jrColt_SeethersCopperheadSammiCheetoBandito77awaywardmistPillarOfSaltswafa_pisces
    • 763
    • RETWEETS
    chompy_jrColt_SeethersMossMan_85CheetoBandito77zTequilademonawaywardmistDeepak_KurkurePillarOfSalts
    mrt1mItsMrWoody2Uwesjohnson8
  • brocketxyz
      mr. fisher @brocketxyz

    Think you're successful? There have been dog astronauts. How do you like that, loser?

    • 180
    • FAVS
    jkstillsS_lange2205swinesoupSoupandButtsbriannabrown32starmushroomsitsaysbluenerdcula
    • 82
    • RETWEETS
    FortuitousPenThe_ONE_AdrianwimothyjosephCashRocketWildRevolversIamGecinvyas92CarolineJaneSam
    mrt1m
  • man_spach
      The Cat Whisperer @man_spach

    I once sucker punched a hipster and he said, "That's not cool," and I said, "Yet" then we hugged and had a good laugh.

    • 1,535
    • FAVS
    Angela6714lantenengoMsSScandalRavenBrianacandace_9871envydatropicSuperJuanderertor_it_up15
    • 938
    • RETWEETS
    jourdanokenvydatropicChampagneErnieSuperJuanderergeektastic420iloveweedCount_Geekulatylerbmcintyre
    jeannerbeanermrt1mBlairLoudlyOhYeahILiedseagullski__SwartyComedylloydrangmantejBwanaChris_M1N1
  • Vodkantots
      Vodka n Tots @Vodkantots

    Cop: License and registration please, ma'am.
    Me: Have I aged a lot since this photo was taken?
    Cop: Watch your speed, miss. Have a nice day.

    • 193
    • FAVS
    RickyScampkratosfrostbiteTemptressOfDarkdarrrkstarrrrma_007MPfeferdeardilettanteJamieIovino
    • 107
    • RETWEETS
    darrrkstarrrdeardilettanteAnkitTripathi5orthopeerpathammergirlMarcmywords2IIArmstrongJenny4ashley
    mrt1mBeer4AGoodTime
  • LurkAtHomeMom
      Lurk @ Home Mom @LurkAtHomeMom

    I prefer to call it a "Ta-Da" list. Cause it'd be fucking amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.

    • 1,079
    • FAVS
    iMayaK_ShutUpThatsWhocarlykenkathybotteassianmarieeeTheBeerGuy73SacamanoBsmilely_gal
    • 735
    • RETWEETS
    iMayaK_ShutUpThatsWhosianmarieeeTheBeerGuy73SacamanoBlucidchemistrykyemmert9savage_wiener
    mrt1mWindPushedGrassconcretesledge_alldrolleduppapasunclePeaceInTruth1AnneM69OkieGirl405Halbeerz
  • SondraDeeMe
      Strawberry Lane Is @SondraDeeMe

    I don't want to "out her," but I'm pretty certain this woman I'm dating is a lesbian.

    • 955
    • FAVS
    redpawn3sirmunchieDBMaxPtweetloosejack_the_poetSavoirFailHtown49erFanbrianbowman73
    • 217
    • RETWEETS
    sirmunchieSavoirFailbrianbowman73TheRealMissAbbsnoneofyours99mav3yblueangel_onlysdistef
    mrt1mKKBowlsHumorParasite
  • rickkondell
      Rick @rickkondell

    Whenever I see "Write down one interesting fact about yourself." I immediately forget everything I've ever done and seen ever

    • 252
    • FAVS
    s_cLaN07GrabTheWEnessRRON_stonedcoldlazythhambriceLadyMercutiaamydilloncarlyyy325
    • 153
    • RETWEETS
    stonedcoldlazyFavstar250LadyMercutialadyjazsjunklife_suckerGreysenTheGreatTmoney68possibilyss
    mrt1mrickolantern
  • SteveSuckington
      Steve Suckington @SteveSuckington

    What's the appropriate age to tell a screenplay that it's adapted?

    • 820
    • FAVS
    mahatmatweeterhirojesusnettie0918SamePageDifDaybobw1oAsbo_UnicornLaBelleMaemikewaldron115
    • 441
    • RETWEETS
    mahatmatweeterhirojesusAsbo_Unicornmikewaldron115thesalster1FunMarrowSkinnieTallsCurleeVuitton
    Rad_Lemurmrt1msixfootcandyroadkill3xTheIronSherkinsinuatemethetwodeadboys
  • HeroineAddict
      Heroine Addict @HeroineAddict

    Whenever I view my iPod's "Most Played" songs, I realize I have no right to criticize anyone's taste in anything.

    • 271
    • FAVS
    RickyScampAPANCHALYPSENOWDickstractedAngrEdmontonianSwartyComedy_angelicMagickathleencrocke5SeiYoung83
    • 157
    • RETWEETS
    alynnjones82DarkerWillowAPANCHALYPSENOWDickstractedSeiYoung83stellarjulez808OMGtizAnnieCrazyTalkAl
    mrt1m
  • TheRolo
      The Rolo @TheRolo

    911: What is your emergency?
    Me: I love you.

    911: Hang up.
    Me: No you hang up.

    911: Stop.
    Me: This is so us.

    • 5,868
    • FAVS
    tonybelsitoErinKSaundersMrsCathyPerryErik_GallegosNezysezyNssupertex97ecahZamoraclancyjohnstoni
    • 4,306
    • RETWEETS
    NezysezyNsHashtrologyyoadrianneeecahZamoraHamHunterFlitzefischsm8leSuperAfroGuy
    BownuggetsLove_bug1016Jenny4ashleynerdreignIwriteforcatsdaemonic3KalvinMacleodsummerofbennyNahdude83TheIronSherkAlexvanBeekRad_LemurHappyHijabbidafloydstaJay_FrickinLynnMikeCanRantPaperWash007Rex_IncDaddyJewDawn_M_mrt1mGo2SlpiMikosnycDumbConfessions
  • mydmac
      3Dee @mydmac

    Doctor: are you sexually active?

    Me: why, what have you heard?

    • 2,637
    • FAVS
    LoveNLunchmeatDaddyBeerGuy1bastardangelmcibtyTerryDeuelFallenAngel209DBMaxPpseudo_fred
    • 1,519
    • RETWEETS
    DaddyBeerGuyTerryDeuelDBMaxPpseudo_fredpaulcelestinocaya47criticvoiceDesiInside
    TheDailySchmuckmrt1mWULFDEANBekkieBeeTheWadestCVTBabyCarolineCaseyfastmofobansheejuneohara651800RandyMichaelLarrickSteveSuckingtononelongbendersaynebhRyanAndrewMitch
  • PinkCamoTO
      Northern Lights @PinkCamoTO

    Don't

    ~ An easy to read pamphlet about how to send DMs to strangers

    • 193
    • FAVS
    APANCHALYPSENOWSir_StrangeRunAsylum2thestreetzContradictEgo3rdBaseIdunnosandymac5union_fireman
    • 110
    • RETWEETS
    ContradictEgounion_firemanJust_Oh_Susannagrasshopper09ersirmunchieOrWasItkcmoore51JeremyKCMO
    mrt1mTalkinghands69BadMikeyBad
  • SpacePlankton
      AstronAmy @SpacePlankton

    Hell is filled with other people's children.

    • 115
    • FAVS
    DarkerWillowContwixtyellowprosealittlemissS1CleverGirl1HannahluvsTVbroncobrandokittenpants327
    • 48
    • RETWEETS
    DarkerWillowContwixtdavesalois1CleverGirl1broncobrandoDawn_M_brianbowman73SummerloveX0
    mrt1m1Bad_Scientist
  • nerdreign
      nerdreign @nerdreign

    My poverty is why I can't have nice things.

    • 925
    • FAVS
    djdarrellripleyRobynKThomsonBrianIncognitoHuttonGrayryangriffithsBandersnaaatchLove4ever555Vanas_Van
    • 433
    • RETWEETS
    HuttonGrayli4mst3w4rtheatherjsKananeloVictorIamDreMaLnwillyfrillDragonlair8_Jellsbells
    mrt1mflashembervelcrofannypackbholejuice
@mrt1m

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