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  • icrushedmyhalo
      Crushed My Halo @icrushedmyhalo

    Ebrola.

    - Deadly bromance

    • 99
    • FAVS
    hythemafiajacksparrowsdadnigelgodwinKyndaABigDealCuddleYourCaturgeekisshowingShaneSw23VenusRockHobbit
    • 65
    • RETWEETS
    urgeekisshowingKaiBrandijergarlCipher23agent_mjBooBlundersLMHPhotogmoonlightglow4
    mrt1m
  • UncleDuke1969
      Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969

    [job interview]

    Him: What’s your greatest strength?
    Me: I’m very independent.
    Him: …
    Me: …
    Him: …
    Me: Tell him, Mom.
    Mom: He is!

    • 434
    • FAVS
    EugenieRabbanithefakedubcBrampersandon_BeamishBoiINeed_AnAdultmuchjosephBruceForceStupidSophia_
    • 279
    • RETWEETS
    Later_spacegirlmrt1mEGmunene_chalo_98LordKelvin273JayFreaKayOrignalceQueenMariusStefi247
    mrt1mDonnie_Fairburnjimmy_sharpe
  • _SetTheHook_
      Southpaw @_SetTheHook_

    I love telling women to succumb. If you pronounce it right, it kills two birds with one stone.

    • 192
    • FAVS
    DaddyJewhaykshancarlykenbetowmxJulieSnarkARealTinderellaSassyCassie90504phuxache
    • 87
    • RETWEETS
    ARealTinderellamrtruthandsoul_NTFG_imasmartass37TheAlexPdafloydstaMoe_Lee_michowl
    mrt1mKinkQueen
  • Just_BCS
      Just B @Just_BCS

    I just had the sex talk with my son. It went pretty well. I learned a lot.

    • 1,256
    • FAVS
    LaniBenosexncakeschumyxxxQuirkyPicklemrt1mNerdyPeachiinkedZombieitsDezmAtiCK
    • 706
    • RETWEETS
    wishfullyrealsuedechukkaLaniBenoNerdyPeachdarkmatter_wimpiinkedZombieiMayaK_Vodkantots
    mrt1mginzyj1983NicPH4CrocsAndrewShepard86__
  • Just_BCS
      Just B @Just_BCS

    You're the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.

    • 2,108
    • FAVS
    JulieSnarkMasterOfFuryanne_seattlesexncakeNerdyPeachJustForHTmc_funbagsBlunt_Masta_Jay
    • 1,631
    • RETWEETS
    SaveItForFestkathybotteasanne_seattlesexncakesarahmerie17NerdyPeachmc_funbagsLordAl3xand3r
    mrt1mhottentotsgotSufficientCharmSteveOHellNoHiddleDeeDeeMrsMikePattonandroszrTotesJelly72Courtniss_
  • Tbone7219
      Tony P. @Tbone7219

    How to be a bouncer:

    1) be an asshole.

    2) stand near a door.

    • 3,367
    • FAVS
    PeterSubtweetervulcan_kellyGrrrRachsecondhandfrownGina52263819OutOfLeftField_ShowUrDimplesvenkaiceprinces
    • 2,025
    • RETWEETS
    GrrrRachsecondhandfrownShowUrDimplesvenkaiceprincesJamiemacrfcmarytalbCodyCoconutsTheCattyLady
    mrt1mStupidSophia_sophied40Thee1_4USocial_MimeBaldyLockzzthe_couch_guy____Shock_Monster__SparkCityComedyTitansHomerabbeyaarHrBrybkdcaseyveinarmorWhatsHerFace33
  • SkinnieTalls
      Skinnie Talls @SkinnieTalls

    *not sure what's going on*

    *participates*

    • 945
    • FAVS
    mandel_angelaWords_Personsass_n_asswhatevererikkacarrianneftscheckprincessBaeBitch1kcmoore51
    • 774
    • RETWEETS
    mweshieyWords_Personsass_n_asswhatevererikkaboobsareimpliedkcmoore51novicefatherMiz_Mental_Case
    mrt1mPetiteRainCityalldrolledupjuneohara65
  • JakeSocial
      Jake Up @JakeSocial

    First woman on Moon:
    -Huston, we have a problem?
    What?
    -Never mind
    What's the problem?
    -Nothing
    Please tell us?
    -You know what's the problem

    • 5,817
    • FAVS
    thisisnicholeDr_XYZfreerangeminkR15S5partyatyourmomsKatbelooftdatlkaty_fit
    • 6,552
    • RETWEETS
    ShaahiFaqeernotacraphattonywonderfireFifi_BergereMakakakakkJohnny_Goldenmissjaymay_R15S5
    mrt1mbigmacherBobTheSuitlilgapeach32Browneyed_mamaArroiaTheSnideOnejon_aleynerdculadaniel_shawbonertardTorriablealittlecontrary__Cnelson019Carol
  • XAIMMadellynne
      ~Tweety~ @XAIMMadellynne

    Wifi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family.

    They seem like nice people.

    • 975
    • FAVS
    HumorParasitemiss_Crazy4uchompy_jrColt_SeethersCopperheadSammiCheetoBandito77awaywardmistPillarOfSalts
    • 764
    • RETWEETS
    HumorParasitechompy_jrColt_SeethersMossMan_85CheetoBandito77zTequilademonawaywardmistDeepak_Kurkure
    mrt1mItsMrWoody2Uwesjohnson8
  • brocketxyz
      mr. fisher @brocketxyz

    Think you're successful? There have been dog astronauts. How do you like that, loser?

    • 183
    • FAVS
    errdayhustlahjkstillsS_lange2205swinesoupSoupandButtsbriannabrown32starmushroomsitsaysblue
    • 82
    • RETWEETS
    FortuitousPenThe_ONE_AdrianwimothyjosephCashRocketWildRevolversIamGecinvyas92CarolineJaneSam
    mrt1m
  • man_spach
      The Cat Whisperer @man_spach

    I once sucker punched a hipster and he said, "That's not cool," and I said, "Yet" then we hugged and had a good laugh.

    • 1,540
    • FAVS
    haadee_kaitmaneighszabergenkysampsonAngela6714lantenengoMsSScandalRavenBriana
    • 946
    • RETWEETS
    BryanneSalazarsyaf16hRhirySumilatyodeesignerlazypodyosoyjokesBkGeo718MadDawgMikeD
    jeannerbeanermrt1mBlairLoudlyOhYeahILiedseagullski__SwartyComedylloydrangmantejBwanaChris_M1N1
  • Vodkantots
      Vodka n Tots @Vodkantots

    Cop: License and registration please, ma'am.
    Me: Have I aged a lot since this photo was taken?
    Cop: Watch your speed, miss. Have a nice day.

    • 193
    • FAVS
    RickyScampkratosfrostbiteOrignalceQueendarrrkstarrrrma_007MPfeferdeardilettanteJamieIovino
    • 107
    • RETWEETS
    darrrkstarrrdeardilettanteAnkitTripathi5orthopeerpathammergirlMarcmywords2IIArmstrongJenny4ashley
    mrt1mBeer4AGoodTime
  • LurkAtHomeMom
      Lurk @ Home Mom @LurkAtHomeMom

    I prefer to call it a "Ta-Da" list. Cause it'd be fucking amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.

    • 1,079
    • FAVS
    iMayaK_ShutUpThatsWhocarlykenkathybotteassianmarieeeTheBeerGuy73SacamanoBsmilely_gal
    • 735
    • RETWEETS
    iMayaK_ShutUpThatsWhosianmarieeeTheBeerGuy73SacamanoBlucidchemistrykyemmert9savage_wiener
    mrt1mWindPushedGrassconcretesledge_alldrolleduppapasunclePeaceInTruth1AnneM69OkieGirl405Halbeerz
  • SondraDeeMe
      Strawberry Lane Is @SondraDeeMe

    I don't want to "out her," but I'm pretty certain this woman I'm dating is a lesbian.

    • 957
    • FAVS
    MasterOfFuryJoeCoolNJredpawn3sirmunchieDBMaxPtweetloosejack_the_poetSavoirFail
    • 218
    • RETWEETS
    JoeCoolNJsirmunchieSavoirFailbrianbowman73TheRealMissAbbsnoneofyours99mav3yblueangel_only
    mrt1mKKBowlsHumorParasite
  • rickkondell
      Rick @rickkondell

    Whenever I see "Write down one interesting fact about yourself." I immediately forget everything I've ever done and seen ever

    • 253
    • FAVS
    ninjadinosaur1s_cLaN07GrabTheWEnessRRON_stonedcoldlazythhambriceLadyMercutiaamydillon
    • 154
    • RETWEETS
    ninjadinosaur1stonedcoldlazyFavstar250LadyMercutialadyjazsjunklife_suckerGreysenTheGreatTmoney68
    mrt1mrickolantern
  • SteveSuckington
      Steve Suckington @SteveSuckington

    What's the appropriate age to tell a screenplay that it's adapted?

    • 820
    • FAVS
    mahatmatweeterhirojesusnettie0918SamePageDifDaybobw1oAsbo_UnicornLaBelleMaemikewaldron115
    • 442
    • RETWEETS
    mahatmatweeterhirojesusAsbo_Unicornmikewaldron115thesalster1FunMarrowSkinnieTallsCurleeVuitton
    Rad_Lemurmrt1msixfootcandyroadkill3xTheIronSherkinsinuatemethetwodeadboys
  • HeroineAddict
      Heroine Addict @HeroineAddict

    Whenever I view my iPod's "Most Played" songs, I realize I have no right to criticize anyone's taste in anything.

    • 272
    • FAVS
    Fickle_FillyRickyScampAPANCHALYPSENOWDickstractedAngrEdmontonianSwartyComedy_angelicMagickathleencrocke5
    • 157
    • RETWEETS
    alynnjones82DarkerWillowAPANCHALYPSENOWDickstractedSeiYoung83stellarjulez808OMGtizAnnieCrazyTalkAl
    mrt1m
  • TheRolo
      The Rolo @TheRolo

    911: What is your emergency?
    Me: I love you.

    911: Hang up.
    Me: No you hang up.

    911: Stop.
    Me: This is so us.

    • 6,081
    • FAVS
    ntrebonihogantiredbisexualdulce_de_melchearcherVoltMaMaMaMarshallphill_osophyFlipThePAGE_8Annelee_photo
    • 4,460
    • RETWEETS
    thetrapjesusflower_child_tiredbisexualarcherVoltawesomeabbie00LSahara610AsaWaldenpremyadaw001
    iLikeCatShirtsBownuggetsLove_bug1016Jenny4ashleynerdreignIwriteforcatsdaemonic3KalvinMacleodsummerofbennyNahdude83TheIronSherkAlexvanBeekRad_LemurHappyHijabbidafloydstaJay_FrickinLynnMikeCanRantPaperWash007Rex_IncDaddyJewDawn_M_mrt1mGo2SlpiMikosnycDumbConfessions
  • mydmac
      3Dee @mydmac

    Doctor: are you sexually active?

    Me: why, what have you heard?

    • 2,645
    • FAVS
    Alaskan_DudeKrazykurtKurtU_Looked_Amanda_MathewsjabourgeKimmerz38Traceykemp8SkullfuckT
    • 1,524
    • RETWEETS
    KrazykurtKurtNeed4CheeseSkullfuckTWebbPaganfingerDaddyBeerGuyTerryDeuelDBMaxPpseudo_fred
    TheDailySchmuckmrt1mWULFDEANBekkieBeeTheWadestCVTBabyCarolineCaseyfastmofobansheejuneohara651800RandyMichaelLarrickSteveSuckingtononelongbendersaynebhRyanAndrewMitch
  • PinkCamoTO
      Northern Lights @PinkCamoTO

    Don't

    ~ An easy to read pamphlet about how to send DMs to strangers

    • 193
    • FAVS
    APANCHALYPSENOWSir_StrangeRunAsylum2thestreetzContradictEgo3rdBaseIdunnosandymac5union_fireman
    • 110
    • RETWEETS
    ContradictEgounion_firemanJust_Oh_Susannagrasshopper09ersirmunchieOrWasItkcmoore51JeremyKCMO
    mrt1mTalkinghands69BadMikeyBad
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