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I waved back at someone who was waving at someone behind me so I kept waving please I need one of you to show up so it looks like I meant to
To make a guy panic, simply ask :
"Notice anything different?"
-Works every time
marijuana??? actually i think MARY-WANNA tell you her son Jesus didn't die so you could smoke that devil lettuce
How much for the torture device?
Ma'am, that's a wedding ring.
*gives up seat on bus for an old lady*
*whispers in her ear*
"This isn't over"
if you ask a girl if you can buy her a cocktail and she doesnt immediately say "haha cock" then she doesnt deserve you
"Are you seeing anyone?"
Not at the moment.
"Sir, I'm afraid you're legally blind."
Reach out to those who suffer in silence and thank them for keeping the noise down.
It's not holding a grudge. It's remembering facts. Forever.
Oh yeah, you know, I play a little guitar.
*pulls out tiny guitar*
*Slaps cigarette out of friend's hand
"I thought you were done looking cool!"
*friend leans against a wall & sighs
*slaps wall away
A girl that gives a blowjob with too much teeth is called a "Suarez"
They say you should eat before grocery shopping to avoid impulse buying.
Perhaps some of you should have a wank before coming on Twitter.
I am far too busy to listen to your problems.
*Googles do penguins go to heaven*
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Titanic (1997) [Romance, Drama] : Some serious ship goes down.
You will never recreate the noise your chair just made, Karen. Let it go.
Woman: You can do better than this, surely?
Man: Of course I can and you shouldn't put yourself down like that
*Justin Bieber goes to jail
*Writes "Free JB!" on wall in protest
*learns cellmate is dyslexic
I wish retweeting burned calories