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I don't just jump to conclusions, I skydive to conclusions without a parachute.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
It's not real love unless you can leave your phone unattended passwordless through the night.
If inventing the airplane is wrong, I don't want to be Wright.
"You're right I'm sorry. You're right I'm sorry. You're right I'm sorry. You're right I'm sorry"
- me practicing a successful relationship.
Never buy the first round cause that's when people care what they're drinking!
Depression is like wanting to go home but already being there.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
I love you. I push all of the numbers on the elevator just to stand next to you for as long as possible.
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell 3 people to fuck off today you’ll feel better.
My bucket list is just a list of things I probably shouldn't do.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I'd like to buy this EXTRA SMALL condom please.
"Sir, that is a sleeping bag"
*winks at cashier continually until she finishes her shift*
Depressed is the new religion.
Skinny does not equal pretty.
Fat does not equal ugly.
Crazy still equals crazy, sorry.
"It's either me or the Playstation 4!" - is what my wife said to me three weeks ago... I hope she's doing okay in her new life.
"Girl are you a couch? Cuz I'm gonna try & fail to pick you up."
She laughs. "I'm Jen."
My training hasn't prepared me for this.
I WOULD LIKE TO KISS A GIRL. that's it. thank you for coming to my ted talk. take a business card on the way out, it's my number. call me