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*brings puppies to a knife fight*
[in the maternity ward]
Lady: They're so adorable. Which one is yours?
Me: *leans in close* I dunno, haven't picked one out yet.
I'm always behind the person at McDonald's who acts like they've never seen the menu in their life
Walks into da club like... Ok kids its time to go home.
Dude, is that your mom?
If I were on a superhero team I'd just talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk until the bad guys dropped dead.
I'm merely acquaintances with the monster under my bed.
I kinda dig you, want to hang out and stuff until we hate each other?
Like my dad always said:
*sound of beer can opening
Boss: Late again, are we?
Me: Yes, I hope I’m not pregnant!
So it turns out, outside twitter, alcoholism is considered a "bad" thing.
The customer is always right.
Which is also why my wife loves to shop.
"That couldn't have been a squirrel, squirrels don't come out this late"
*Apparently squirrels have curfews now, according to my brain.
I iron my shirts by wearing them.
- Bottoms that ruin my day
"911, what's your emerg-"
"The women at work have synced their uteri and it's Hell"
"Sir uteri is not plural for ute-"
Bouncer: Woah. Dress code
Me: This is a suit
B: Yeah, a chicken suit.
*puts nugget in bouncer's pocket
M: We good?
B: Have fun, sir
We can do this the hard way or the easy way. Oh, the hard way? Thought you'd say easy way. Never mind then.
911: what's your emergency?
M: I'm out of ketchup.
911: miss I don't think u get how 911 works.
M: I DONT THINK U GET HOW HOT DOGS WORK
I'm sorry I slapped you but you didn't seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
It sucks when you're having sex and you yell "Who's your daddy?" and she says "I don't know". Then she starts crying..