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  • samuelhlowe
      Samuel H. Lowe @samuelhlowe

    -Beginning of relationship-

    1) Don't ever change.
    2) You have to change.
    3) You've changed.

    -End of relationship-

    • 1,348
    • FAVS
    StupidSophia_xxsabrinamarie_yldzzmhmtAkolBenjaminkamweru_Elrood_the_ElfrockstarkristinZombieGirlFun
    • 1,093
    • RETWEETS
    Small_Fry27d2BMcGxxsabrinamarie_AkolBenjaminsharquinzDrewAnnJaymauson_onume_
    mrt1mTweetTheDudelionprincessvalcatelatte4bodingdispatch_girl
  • daemonic3
      Terry F @daemonic3

    [Dr stares at screen]

    "What is it, doc?"

    Its terminal

    "WHAT?! NOOO! And this?"

    Its mainframe

    "OH GOD! And that?"

    Its keyboard

    "NOOO!"

    • 154
    • FAVS
    DumbConfessionsnyax6StupidSophia_Mus254eXentRic__Mugo_Jennuflect_KayQ_
    • 87
    • RETWEETS
    DumbConfessionsNVNDEjustfay3_KimzzZJoshuaRed_iMurumbasynonymforsynn_kelso
    mrt1m
  • TitansHomer
      @TitansHomer @TitansHomer

    *Pastor asks the choir to sing a song

    *Choir stands up

    *Piano starts to play

    *i stand up & yell "Mustard on the beat Ho!"

    • 50
    • FAVS
    saveemferriskamweru_LosLos__lilmissDEVIANTposhbirdgabimikejanson2TheMichaelRockTammy2Tone
    • 40
    • RETWEETS
    LosLos__Breee_ThouRealJinjaNinjamikejanson2FaceyspaceDr_powpowJT_IV_lllvvvzzz
    mrt1m
  • grimpossible
      grim @grimpossible

    don't you hate it when you say goodbye and both of you start walking in the same direction so you have to stop and fight to the death?

    • 29
    • FAVS
    kamweru_twayne1010BilalErelBkimani_Nemcy_MykRichard_Keep_Mugo_JMEDOLZ
    • 33
    • RETWEETS
    psychoMUGA___k_elviniamporgyUnFitzAndoopamlllvvvzzzmrt1mFilosofizer
    mrt1m
  • VampireIguana
      yourself @VampireIguana

    Waitress: "all set to order?"

    Me: yeah I'll have the- hang on

    *in the air tonight comes on*

    *does drum breakdown*

    Me: yeah I'll have th

    • 144
    • FAVS
    fuzzlimetheycallmejwowDonnie_Fairburnonume_officejokestersaddestalienINeed_AnAdultmrt1m
    • 62
    • RETWEETS
    VN_Rubenonume_mrt1mshlbmccxRyanDangerDudecaseawolfBlawawawaamandacharter
    mrt1m
  • derpintine
      derpes simplex @derpintine

    welcome to cock suckers anonymous please take a se…

    …ok Karen… hands off!!

    *walks to board*
    *sets ‘days without incident’ board to 0*

    • 17
    • FAVS
    The_Dorksternofinbullflashember_Mugo_mrt1mLilzack82couchdwellerxaviermata2
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    mrt1mxaviermata2KirbyTaylor1SaroufimSarah
    mrt1m
  • BakedBrotatoes
      baked brotatoes @BakedBrotatoes

    What's it like having to switch outlets to vacuum your whole house MILLIONAIRES?

    • 254
    • FAVS
    ambsrusChristineOMFGcarli_piRyneBraunTrustych0rdsyoyellowprosekushroomzerinfegley
    • 102
    • RETWEETS
    ambsrusChristineOMFGbenitttoFavstar250trevor_barnardkushroomzAdamTheLobsterMrSandeepP
    mrt1mPJisBeast
  • BlindChow
      Blind Chow @BlindChow

    *walks up stairs with gf*
    "You could say this staircase…RAISED me."
    *gf laughs*
    "Seriously tho, meet my step-dad."
    "Hi," says the staircase.

    • 418
    • FAVS
    LogeDaddyYesThatAmyDaniellaak9clarissa_muethsasscastictyranosexafirewalkwithmekrakkenlackin
    • 209
    • RETWEETS
    MissMoorreesg00se0ndal00seAtomicGlockbuttcrunchyonume_PandAmonniadick_ishYakJakeHall
    mrt1m
  • Cheese_Pile
      A Pile of Cheese @Cheese_Pile

    "Is Pepsi Okay?" - World's worst drug dealer

    • 320
    • FAVS
    netdog713FunkStroBrothagurl_cheesellvvzzDxbemSirkastiqeXentRic_INeed_AnAdult
    • 171
    • RETWEETS
    netdog713BiffTFinancialfuzzlimeEveOrCrysmrt1mwheres_joeljologzpoopachalupa
    mrt1mdinokittenphilyuck
  • CornOnTheGoblin
      Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin

    Welcome to Sarcastic Club
    Im sooo happy to see you all
    Anyone know the 1st rule?
    "Be less sarcastic?"
    Ooo lets have this guy teach the class

    • 2,637
    • FAVS
    jimmymoreyRealJinjaNinjavajenysuperbosswagAaronsOtherOneajkriegzthe_bluesnailSARUHHHH4
    • 1,778
    • RETWEETS
    RealJinjaNinjafuzzlimesuperbosswaghankypankytankyAaronsOtherOneajkriegzgojarbetheycallmejwow
    Georoyomrt1mIntrepidDeviantbloptphilyuckBromanConsulmurrman5YesNoSuperThynebearRyanDangerDudeLeeMifsudstr8outaCompUSAgoogleymoogleyrownage_wangwekyle_thatisalldavid8hughesdanjan13daneZiestuartcraigPoopy_Pizza_PalAdamOfEarthDustinAHarkinsmoist_jefftoomuchnickDJ_PiddlesCrappy_Face_PicCausteeJulianGoldstein
  • 64spoons
      Spoon! @64spoons

    A gateway IP address only leads to harder IP addresses.

    • 207
    • FAVS
    topsixrowswelfarehoesmoking_ninjaeXentRic_mohamedkomzmrt1mcrazylikeanoxdroobis
    • 105
    • RETWEETS
    fuzzlimeRasbanda_ManolotopsixrowswelfarehoeJsSmRentonwagushmrt1mMacar00ny
    mrt1mblopt
  • leifromloihi
      lei @leifromloihi

    "what's cooler than being cool?" andre3000 stops concert, begins powerpoint "-459.67°F, the temp at which entropy reaches its minimum value"

    • 796
    • FAVS
    madtowndavidsonarchie_debunkersimonjohansosndylanmcswainCryptoterraxPizzaxSlutxlittIeradjackomalfoyy
    • 491
    • RETWEETS
    graesloekxPizzaxSlutxbaconmoshDMightonOhgoddessitsmerednetwork306model3volutiondayumfranny
    mrt1mNiftyFistBumpthoughtsaplenty__arandomhim
  • DaddyJew
      DaddyJew @DaddyJew

    Welcome to Twitter, this is all you do now.

    • 2,723
    • FAVS
    leadnotfolowtylerssmmiitthhTopcat_007DTs89491712stellanoir32Hello_BellaJadedLotus808Francis17Sue
    • 2,000
    • RETWEETS
    flawsclawsleadnotfolowSmafralalaGachweNjokiKareokey_254Sh3raweeHello_BellaMacc40
    CelebrityCheza_olivia4212SparkCityComedyCYComedymrt1mDontFuckWithMomTheIronSherkRickyScampbigmacherAmeiamDJLIWIKZPseudoLib________williamsonnierFairhoodlum______Snarferninidlsims01__________deathtoscumbagsmrdeadlier
  • TheRolo
      The Rolo @TheRolo

    *Rides unicorn to work*

    *Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

    *Chats with mermaids*

    *Argues with Medusa*

    *Gets called in to HR*

    *Fails drug test*

    • 2,296
    • FAVS
    malsagirlJordanSkilzhyginnyxplodingbananaFreshTerritorybrittaknee_Traceykemp8tessmansfield12
    • 1,694
    • RETWEETS
    xplodingbananaKaylaIsAGangstaFreshTerritorykajolannnuckingfutsitlovejulieaynMarcmywords2Topcat_007
    abrosenthaljimmy_sharpemrt1mdaniel_shawDumbConfessionstitletown__haolegurl808KoKeniSasquatchTattoo_Acousticmisterbrymopbear79WhatevaConcNahdude83soniadimaio68BlondeMissy_
  • daemonic3
      Terry F @daemonic3

    Son: Dad, I got straight A's are you proud?

    Dad: What about D's?

    Son: D's?

    Dad: DEEZ NUTS, NERD! Hey, honey!

    [from kitchen]

    Mom: OWNED!

    • 1,877
    • FAVS
    TheRealBrynPuttcuntrystronggalTheChallsonewayjosebingkirdWolv_RNthrillwellsmari_j_uana
    • 1,360
    • RETWEETS
    gerrybgood81SuperSMadsenAckwoeAndrewbruceleeJones1Jenn_RicaurtefugitivebrobingkirdWolv_RN
    Matt_The_1stTitansHomerDaddyJewMrTwatWaffleBakedBrotatoesUncleDuke1969RobElliottComicmrt1mPaperWashCrunch11bbuseysteethjsteele3966SnarferniniJenny4ashley
  • ericsshadow
      Loco Eric @ericsshadow

    This is so embarrassing, what's your name again?

    - me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

    • 1,799
    • FAVS
    trashtasticastephjdingmanPinchiCabron25mackenzie_shaelisaOoOothre3DCheshireBritLisa_Laughs_
    • 1,311
    • RETWEETS
    NASAspaceman12NathanBugg1PinchiCabron25tramadocLisa_Laughs_Stabby_smurfmissyyjohnsoncaptaincoximus
    mrt1miwearaonesiethesalster1
  • hiitsmolly
      whatever. @hiitsmolly

    my phone just autocorrected "party" to "Partyy". I'm scared of the person my phone thinks I am

    • 187
    • FAVS
    JosesLovesYouBakedBrotatoesnishadtrivediisopodshuffleBrohamulettb_alexanderyesenia_fizzyk_bailing
    • 45
    • RETWEETS
    Gachirismk_bailingLivi_booMWEDM_PsychedelicGinGandersnowbonersBRAXNIYthat_musigi
    mrt1m
  • murrman5
      Brent @murrman5

    Hey, thanks for defining the word "many" for me. It means a lot.

    • 1,720
    • FAVS
    RuthAnnJoyFirawesomeWhatsLeftJerksDBwiddaDBamymay26HrdleeCVTBabyCaseyIshmael
    • 986
    • RETWEETS
    Azzurro305burrtonisabellaDBwiddaDBaxatsuxi182PaperWashRoelandendtzGachirismAaronsOtherOne
    TheIronSherkmrt1mBuckyIsotope
  • Thynebear
      Thynebear @Thynebear

    *goes to watch youtube vid*

    BUFFER

    well okay *lifts weights*

    *checks again*

    BUFFER

    *does steroids*

    BUFFER

    "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME"

    • 3,220
    • FAVS
    FlexOnMekeegantripsalotAdStJopugdickKikiBustaMaddyWieringRyan_LaRue_ImBennyTheJet
    • 2,325
    • RETWEETS
    eshawwleyTheOfield95KikiBustaCuteButt111EllietteDDa_SamboniShirleyyBirddNotChrisWhited
    R_SchmittyNolaChef504mrt1mJaySommerCornOnTheGoblinIntrepidDeviant_wangweTheIronSherkarandomhimScigglez__________gato_fumando______PoonWhisperer1
  • WonderMonkey78
      Wonder Monkey @WonderMonkey78

    The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

    • 53
    • FAVS
    S_Kelly1980MeAnaisBWayneGreenstone101RaceyStr8GuyGayQuoteningarag_amyforafactclaireabelle070
    • 37
    • RETWEETS
    netdog713fuzzlimeWayneGreenstoneSauceLoofPabloGSerskipottymouthnerdRocketRankoonmeatandthreeg
    mrt1m
@mrt1m

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