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-Beginning of relationship-
1) Don't ever change.
2) You have to change.
3) You've changed.
-End of relationship-
[Dr stares at screen]
"What is it, doc?"
"WHAT?! NOOO! And this?"
"OH GOD! And that?"
*Pastor asks the choir to sing a song
*Choir stands up
*Piano starts to play
*i stand up & yell "Mustard on the beat Ho!"
don't you hate it when you say goodbye and both of you start walking in the same direction so you have to stop and fight to the death?
Waitress: "all set to order?"
Me: yeah I'll have the- hang on
*in the air tonight comes on*
*does drum breakdown*
Me: yeah I'll have th
welcome to cock suckers anonymous please take a se…
…ok Karen… hands off!!
*walks to board*
*sets ‘days without incident’ board to 0*
What's it like having to switch outlets to vacuum your whole house MILLIONAIRES?
*walks up stairs with gf*
"You could say this staircase…RAISED me."
"Seriously tho, meet my step-dad."
"Hi," says the staircase.
"Is Pepsi Okay?" - World's worst drug dealer
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
"Be less sarcastic?"
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
A gateway IP address only leads to harder IP addresses.
"what's cooler than being cool?" andre3000 stops concert, begins powerpoint "-459.67°F, the temp at which entropy reaches its minimum value"
Welcome to Twitter, this is all you do now.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Son: Dad, I got straight A's are you proud?
Dad: What about D's?
Dad: DEEZ NUTS, NERD! Hey, honey!
This is so embarrassing, what's your name again?
- me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
my phone just autocorrected "party" to "Partyy". I'm scared of the person my phone thinks I am
Hey, thanks for defining the word "many" for me. It means a lot.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
well okay *lifts weights*
"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME"
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.