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Multitasking: Fucking up Everything All at once ...
"No thanks, I'm allergic." Anytime someone offers me a healthy snack.
You're Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Brain: Be cool, don't let him know you're stupid.
Me: I love science too! STRING THEORY IS MY FAVORITE THEORY ABOUT CHEESE!
B: Mmm cheese
According to my Nike fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
Don't get it. Heard the phrase "keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir". Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
WHAT I SAID: "I'm fine."
WHAT I ACTUALLY MEANT: "I'm fine."
See how that works ladies? It's not that hard. Now you try it.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don't care and I'm not interested in finding out.
we the jury find the defendant not g-wait which one means he did it again
"look do you think he did it or not"
The number 13 is just a B, with commitment issues.
When talking with a telemarketer, I always end the conversation with, "I love you."
Damn, girl, are you Terms and Conditions? Because I just want to blindly agree to whatever you say.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Snorting lines of instant coffee off of your desk is a subtle, yet effective way to tell your coworkers 'Not today. Not. Fucking. Today.'
Baby showers always feel so awkward because I never seem to fit in. I'll just stick to adult-sized ones.
Until they re-name it "Negroagua" I'll never feel comfortable in Central America.
If you're looking for a girl, here is what to look for:
...now pick two
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
*raises hand at FIGHT CLUB*
"WHAT IF I TOLD ONE PERSON?"
Oh my god, goooooooooooooooooooo
-me to every car on the road.