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Guy on plane : So, where are you going to?
Me : I'm guessing it's the same place you're going.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Signs you have a Twitter addiction:
1. You're reading this.
Your an idiot.
-You're not your.
But I said it. I didn't type it. We're talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You're an idiot.
How to please a woman:
Nope, but keep trying.
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn't look stupid.
I always try to make a good first depression.
I might not be an alcoholic, but I’m never more than twelve steps away from a liquor store.
Wait, I'm supposed to kill 'em with kindness?
[sadly puts down ninja stars and nunchucks]
Friend: that baby's so cute I could just eat it.
Me: go on then, eat it. I want to watch you eat the fucking baby.
*does nerdy science tweet*
*gets all the felis catus*
'do you like kids?'
never tried one but they sound delicious
'no i meant-'
where did you see those on here?
"So where are you from?"
- I'm a Liberian
"Oh sorry *whispers* where are you from?"
Sext: Never mind. I did it myself.
My doctor: “Do you have any pains after sexual intercourse?''
Me: “They usually don't call back afterwards, and that kinda hurts."
The fact that caregiver and caretaker means the same thing is why I have trust issues.
I'm gonna try to convince my son to leave Doritos and beer for Santa Claus this year.
Give me a little space...
NOT. THAT. FUCKING. MUCH!!!
I AM SORRY I DIDN'T FOLLOW YOU BACK WHILE I WAS ASLEEP YOUR MAJESTY
Why is it acceptable to say "let's go out for drinks" but not "let's stay in for drugs" when making first date suggestions? Dating is hard.
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