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Waitress: "all set to order?"
Me: yeah I'll have the- hang on
*in the air tonight comes on*
*does drum breakdown*
Me: yeah I'll have th
welcome to cock suckers anonymous please take a se…
…ok Karen… hands off!!
*walks to board*
*sets ‘days without incident’ board to 0*
What's it like having to switch outlets to vacuum your whole house MILLIONAIRES?
*walks up stairs with gf*
"You could say this staircase…RAISED me."
"Seriously tho, meet my step-dad."
"Hi," says the staircase.
"Is Pepsi Okay?" - World's worst drug dealer
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
"Be less sarcastic?"
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
A gateway IP address only leads to harder IP addresses.
"what's cooler than being cool?" andre3000 stops concert, begins powerpoint "-459.67°F, the temp at which entropy reaches its minimum value"
Welcome to Twitter, this is all you do now.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Son: Dad, I got straight A's are you proud?
Dad: What about D's?
Dad: DEEZ NUTS, NERD! Hey, honey!
This is so embarrassing, what's your name again?
- me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
my phone just autocorrected "party" to "Partyy". I'm scared of the person my phone thinks I am
Hey, thanks for defining the word "many" for me. It means a lot.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
well okay *lifts weights*
"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME"
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
*wakes up in hospital*
"It was a heart attack"
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
Nike really needs some apparel that doesn't tell me what to do.
"I can't take your money. It's ripped"
*they turn to look at the money*
*money is bench pressing coins*
Money: Got a fucking problem?
Busta, you're leading this mountain climbing expedition, how much further? "Past the crevacier." Oh god he said that three crevaciers ago