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  • ibid78
      ibid @ibid78

    I waved back at someone who was waving at someone behind me so I kept waving please I need one of you to show up so it looks like I meant to

    • 130
    • FAVS
    SteelCityDawnDawn_M_Fyrekrakr73D_NoisermeowskinsDranoRauljaawnnBigBang6000
    • 51
    • RETWEETS
    Fyrekrakr73D_NoiserDranoRaulmrt1mError_143eatmebeatmel4dydaemonic3thistletat13
    mrt1mlilgapeach32
  • SunnySideUp1987
      SUNBELIEVABLE @SunnySideUp1987

    To make a guy panic, simply ask :

    "Notice anything different?"

    -Works every time

    • 1,723
    • FAVS
    miitalii_mylenewallaceTOPLAWDOGricsemStevenKConlonNahdude83Zedawytkhan74
    • 1,274
    • RETWEETS
    luvsgingersNahdude83elmiiizZedawymommy_busytkhan74Symbiotic_Spidrgary_augustine
    mrt1mKalvinMacleodjoeldangerjoeljeffreywesjohnson8BwanaChrishamspamtymaamDionneMcNutt007Rex_Inc
  • EJGomez
      EJ Gomez @EJGomez

    marijuana??? actually i think MARY-WANNA tell you her son Jesus didn't die so you could smoke that devil lettuce

    • 3,312
    • FAVS
    ermahgartonASAPBullwinklekrishna_vanzbandali72ryolwhAprilRaainonume_AzahelZamora
    • 2,687
    • RETWEETS
    MasilaJnrkrishna_vanryolwhrankingTweetscameronsadlerrekikeonume_Gwaz007
    mrt1mWhatTheH_ck
  • AdderallMomma
      Kali @AdderallMomma

    How much for the torture device?

    Ma'am, that's a wedding ring.

    • 1,241
    • FAVS
    ODeadInsideScott__DCFatMcButterPantagent_mjkocai_MontaukoutloudKakuismyhomeboyBonstanopoulos
    • 875
    • RETWEETS
    noraxpatchScott__DCArries96MontaukoutloudBonstanopoulosMasilaJnrMars_MicahDLgenio
    mrt1mMcKnightyBooMiniiGTheCareBareNakedHangover
  • jazmasta
      Jazmasta @jazmasta

    *gives up seat on bus for an old lady*
    *whispers in her ear*
    "This isn't over"

    • 1,733
    • FAVS
    kenjibarrettpippyle2JosesLovesYoucalebjduckKevsonthebus_apopagasmJordanlikescatsKAStoleMyHeart
    • 840
    • RETWEETS
    404baenotfoundJosesLovesYougetmemedonHaley_LindleyallthewayMAYhemgiannataylorjs_detiennesamsimoneaux
    mrt1mBlairLoudlymdob11
  • clifcarson
      clif @clifcarson

    if you ask a girl if you can buy her a cocktail and she doesnt immediately say "haha cock" then she doesnt deserve you

    • 130
    • FAVS
    jaawnnonume_ChrisGmyrekBjqueen95WildeThingymicky864tayfrag13_jennjenn
    • 57
    • RETWEETS
    onume_GeorgeolwandeBjqueen95NatalieH94micky864mickeytreesunacharolastravinniesucks
    mrt1m
  • BlindChow
      Blind Chow @BlindChow

    "Are you seeing anyone?"
    Not at the moment.
    *Optometrist nods*
    "Sir, I'm afraid you're legally blind."

    • 293
    • FAVS
    JosesLovesYouMeowtchellemma_rainqueeenvkonume_Pauldo86DefUSKswinesoup
    • 131
    • RETWEETS
    MeowtchellCynicalDevilonume_orgasnomPauldo86Kristipoo86kyliemegdaycounterfeitingl
    mrt1m
  • sweetg35
      Donna T @sweetg35

    Reach out to those who suffer in silence and thank them for keeping the noise down.

    • 480
    • FAVS
    swift_thinkerSteveDutzymaburg512ShaktiBodyWorkDSLikesItYolande_walt50jackelipelengmatshedi
    • 328
    • RETWEETS
    farylShaktiBodyWorkYolande_waltlraktsolSargaTeglaUtNutv2perhapssomedayrickkondell
    mrt1m
  • LaniBeno
      Lani @LaniBeno

    It's not holding a grudge. It's remembering facts. Forever.

    • 701
    • FAVS
    as_she_saidPetalandPeachesCrashTestDrummyNicholey23sheraz35sgeorgegjbwhereshydebattgirlkc
    • 493
    • RETWEETS
    Emily5656GirlAllegraMasilaJnras_she_saidadriana_lamasNicholey23georgegjb_My_Truth_
    mrt1mSuperApple8______
  • pinupteacher
      pin up teacher @pinupteacher

    Oh yeah, you know, I play a little guitar.

    *pulls out tiny guitar*

    • 529
    • FAVS
    uncybillizedChloestyloiLikeCatShirtsjaggedape3rik_Gee_Awwsomeness_figsfrmthistlesoutrrracheous
    • 213
    • RETWEETS
    Rolltide_mnkaitummsiLikeCatShirts_Awwsomeness_bereZAZzoutrrracheousunderyourbed666Vodkantots
    yaboydilmrt1m
  • daneZie
      Doober Pooberton @daneZie

    *Slaps cigarette out of friend's hand
    "I thought you were done looking cool!"
    *friend leans against a wall & sighs
    *slaps wall away
    "Stop!"

    • 3,103
    • FAVS
    Cpin42woggliemoney_monsonSamuelBarlowkthhh123estoy_that_guyDanielgrijalvasgee__spencer
    • 1,517
    • RETWEETS
    mikeydeeznutsHislocalAyyyItsPruetteagle_energyvandalworldwideIllie_X_kidj0gravykfrown
    mrt1mbakedbrotatoesrzaroscomurrman5nerdcula
  • ilovepie84
      PieGuy @ilovepie84

    A girl that gives a blowjob with too much teeth is called a "Suarez"

    • 59
    • FAVS
    TeriBussartSalazarJessikaaSDPlissken1sweetg35hottentotsgotDJLIWIKZlipsaahoyJust_A_Guy72
    • 38
    • RETWEETS
    onume_DJLIWIKZminus010thejesusparraoescar17Longymanarcane92KazAtta
    thetobbiemrt1m
  • Izianikapani
      Thinkerbell @Izianikapani

    They say you should eat before grocery shopping to avoid impulse buying.

    Perhaps some of you should have a wank before coming on Twitter.

    • 309
    • FAVS
    adey303DONTJIMMYMEJULZJarodNotJaredAseAungtempetantrumsScott_A_GilmoreJehzikahzx10joe
    • 140
    • RETWEETS
    VJ1969adey303tempetantrumsAlexCrossanMrXehCPK3Jen_for_realJust_BCS
    mrt1m_NTFG_No_not_that_oneAlex_N_Chains
  • Dawn_M_
      Noodles @Dawn_M_

    I am far too busy to listen to your problems.

    *Googles do penguins go to heaven*

    • 2,242
    • FAVS
    _thatgirlinred_StahlJennieNashMusicGuidegaston_mariancelestinelea90SparklesNGlittzjenn_x2_bobw1o
    • 1,581
    • RETWEETS
    mejaybirdkerlynn35Stabby_smurfgaston_marianSparklesNGlittzutsavi_baviskar_christyna_dsmitty05
    PrettyInCamo11atDevinmrt1mdavid8hughesvassilityyaboydilJessObsessPlaying_Dadjlane_PetiteRainCitybadongismBlairLoudlyNE1C_JennDani_FeldiwearaonesieCelebrityChezstumblesdrunkenEndhooSOmarKhanNY
  • AdamOfEarth
      Earthman Adam @AdamOfEarth

    Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
    Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
    Oceanology? Study of oceans.
    Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.

    • 273
    • FAVS
    JennuflectCpin421800RandyEstacheckmatekirutijohn4salemrt1mgrimpossible
    • 186
    • RETWEETS
    JulyFiresGeorgeolwande1800RandyViolent2Dope304kirutijohn4salemrt1mMjusi_
    mrt1mSomeChrisTweets
  • WienerToboggan
      Wiener Toboggan @WienerToboggan

    Titanic (1997) [Romance, Drama] : Some serious ship goes down.

    • 544
    • FAVS
    HlaoRoojoooooonahReagan_BreadmadihambergerkevinhigleysarahhowdentimidtonguePoppaFerg
    • 267
    • RETWEETS
    _katelynicolenicklecrackcharlmeyerQamaludeenHlaoRooiresurfaced__Reagan_BreadAJadoniz
    mrt1m11protons__Pizzerrific
  • mdob11
      moody monday @mdob11

    You will never recreate the noise your chair just made, Karen. Let it go.

    • 580
    • FAVS
    sheraz35sgreen_eyed_dollonume_Maybe_TumorrowCpin42CalicoBearcatBINGBINGCELEBMicheleMMusic
    • 236
    • RETWEETS
    AnnD747onume_CalicoBearcatMicheleMMusicrbinmndirtydishtowelsBrowneyed_mamaalleyfitz
    mrt1mjaffryanWoodyLuvsCoffee
  • OutOfLeftField_
      OutOfLeftField @OutOfLeftField_

    During sex.
    Woman: You can do better than this, surely?
    Man: Of course I can and you shouldn't put yourself down like that

    • 68
    • FAVS
    Tw0Pennethevrthejetsetterdrubicabratonymichaels9imfuckedanywayssisalannhTX78CherishMe
    • 30
    • RETWEETS
    Tw0Pennethevrthejetsetterdrubicabratonymichaels9tanialunrealimfuckedanywaysTheRollngStonrhTX78
    mrt1m
  • Jenny4ashley
      Raspberry Jam @Jenny4ashley

    *Justin Bieber goes to jail

    *Writes "Free JB!" on wall in protest

    *learns cellmate is dyslexic

    • 7,240
    • FAVS
    roggyiesheraz35sbryan_creativePattikkusDharmaLisa920SZimOfficialFrisbeeGod41Contwixt
    • 5,026
    • RETWEETS
    cbakileshmellijorjLeavittKatSZimOfficialJoshstarrett01ThatGuySBrunoMiniiGGregAtkin
    SofiaLuvidavid8hughesAHoundNamedAlbaNeutronDremrt1mArroiaRad_LemurOfficeofSteveCarolineCaseyyaboydilSteveSuckingtonDanielRCarrilloRyncasaurusPortRoostermahatmatweeterTheKenyan_PrettyInCamo11Carmel_ColemanMichaelLarrickBrainFumblesuseful_wagon______JONOCOYOTEiamjeffsloanjjax44BromanConsulLani_Haydenjazmasta1800RandyDonnie_FairburnPAT_E_ROCK_Mo_lee_PersianCelticWindPushedGrassOldUncleDaveOTimmyPumpkinTim_HawkenRonsRobotPlaying_DadMarkAFuqua_Huntsaucy_peaches____MidgetsparCoopSoSarc________jeannerbeanerDumbConfessionssummerofbennyTheBeerGuy73huntigulabuseysteethTheIronSherkDawn_M_pbear79EndhooSTheSchnizzyDeurb15StarTreatmentabrosenthalFeelingMervisTitansHomerAdderallMommajdbalaniCYComedyLamplifiedchadzappaJay_FrickinLynnTheBoydPPaperWashTruthDonorMatt_The_1stMarcusOreallyJesterpopo________OreoSpeedwagon_HeyJennyLeonedapptrapJaySommerLandon8426meonieegigglegirlnoeljaffryandafloydsta
  • McKnightyBoo
      Hottass McMuffin @McKnightyBoo

    I wish retweeting burned calories

    • 1,228
    • FAVS
    McMandii3kitten_mineTeejayRushab2amessmahatmatweeterOneFunnyMummyJohnDuffy21Dickstracted
    • 1,049
    • RETWEETS
    NiceLittleWifeattsmcjaymedo_zhasaTeejayRushArjeesu2aguino_mommacsmsg1mahatmatweeter
    mrt1mKalvinMacleoddafloydstadanielvisme______
@mrt1m

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