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  • Nahdude83
      Naïve American @Nahdude83

    *brings puppies to a knife fight*

    Everyone: Awwwwww!

    • 620
    • FAVS
    rainerfmmrt1m1bastardangelCurly_gurl135ninjadinosaur1ChloestyloStNimbuslllvvvzzz
    • 372
    • RETWEETS
    1bastardangelCurly_gurl135KittyMonstaaahrjohnbiehllllvvvzzzHSmithiePrettyinromanceAGreaterMonster
    mrt1mPJTLynch
  • dafloydsta
      Floyd @dafloydsta

    [in the maternity ward]

    Lady: They're so adorable. Which one is yours?

    Me: *leans in close* I dunno, haven't picked one out yet.

    • 412
    • FAVS
    dmgonzalez66dadamantiumEllenPallasonume_ella__fraserRimkeezThee1_4UK__g_nV_g_n
    • 232
    • RETWEETS
    mavisgwinThee1_4Uella__fraserrileycandrumhirojesuscreepysommermydmacjayneec2013
    J_IllunninatiSLorenzen62mrt1m
  • ericaj1721
      ericaj17 @ericaj1721

    I'm always behind the person at McDonald's who acts like they've never seen the menu in their life

    • 508
    • FAVS
    OCDblitzToxicProbablyturkeyheadmacqwertyingONealAngelaTmoney68junejuly12NotPeterStark
    • 278
    • RETWEETS
    turkeyheadmachereholddeezqwertyingONealAngelaFavstar500Favsyo_rockyMeganWhitmerTmoney68
    mrt1mcigarexec
  • karlainvt
      K in VT @karlainvt

    Walks into da club like... Ok kids its time to go home.

    Dude, is that your mom?

    • 168
    • FAVS
    kally_grdemon_disguiseArtIsMyPornfsufloresXAIMMadellynneRazan295un1xphyscohirojesus
    • 97
    • RETWEETS
    demon_disguisefsufloresXAIMMadellynnebingaling__un1xphyscohirojesusCurly_gurl135ItsMrWoody2U
    mrt1m
  • SufficientCharm
      Samtastic @SufficientCharm

    If I were on a superhero team I'd just talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk until the bad guys dropped dead.

    • 413
    • FAVS
    haykshanphilandher96Czar_GarricherdpicturesGre_GoneThe_GetawayGirlDiamondGirl127Humor_Fetish
    • 245
    • RETWEETS
    Czar_GarThe_GetawayGirlDiamondGirl127Truculent67Jo_PureLifeTheAlexNevillvvzzdarrrkstarrr
    mrt1mBlue_Plus_GreenLindaInDisguise
  • stockejock
      Nathan @stockejock

    I'm merely acquaintances with the monster under my bed.

    • 4,161
    • FAVS
    MakeYourBedlamJen_MahabirUnrealRogueCookieVangelistRichBitchRoxyzaraleascottiorunninforwineidiosity
    • 3,640
    • RETWEETS
    HypercraxyUnrealRogueMilliMaybeshanetheveinrunninforwinesquirrel74wkgnDonna_McCoyrjohnson291
    mrt1mDemoonInsideCletusHammer__CarolineCaseyKatieBurnettlovemyboots111
  • Sam_stone31
      Sam Bananahammock© @Sam_stone31

    I kinda dig you, want to hang out and stuff until we hate each other?

    • 1,158
    • FAVS
    ImTheTinManthe_littletrampsdub2001charrrllaaandyfwhiteNo_tact_here_freebird99_GSHOK9
    • 654
    • RETWEETS
    ImTheTinManandyfwhitecharrrllaadmcado81brennadineNo_tact_here_freebird99_GSHOK9
    mrt1meuanDroberts__TotallyUnfunnyNolaChef504
  • Truculent67
      Truculent @Truculent67

    Like my dad always said:

    *sound of beer can opening

    • 1,290
    • FAVS
    gill_janCali420nia_Lukeshannon2703FrankieSerabongripsandtitsNorCalBratthotjamalleDanorSlim
    • 820
    • RETWEETS
    Cali420nia_LukeTNgirl37323clevinniejNorCalBrattTheNewDomShowAggieAnne04decadeplansixfootcandy
    mrt1mRueBarb_angryassbastardTheBeerGuy73joeljeffrey
  • a_olivia4212
      Oh @a_olivia4212

    Boss: Late again, are we?
    Me: Yes, I hope I’m not pregnant!

    • 924
    • FAVS
    beefman138KatieBurnettNotPeterStarkmrchikaraAngryBoobiesrichforrivanluvz1tsunami__7
    • 451
    • RETWEETS
    beefman138NotPeterStarkMr_Bum_to_YouAngryBoobiesgreedybullvanluvz1Giss_Ell3gotpolitics
    mrt1mDJLIWIKZHeyZeus666
  • veggiefemme
      veggie femme @veggiefemme

    So it turns out, outside twitter, alcoholism is considered a "bad" thing.

    • 814
    • FAVS
    CrudeRudyz_seventyfiveFlorahKimzKariuki__BabyVampirosEllenPallasdxblarssonENGAdar79Angie
    • 425
    • RETWEETS
    z_seventyfiveerastu_Kariuki__Lupster17angieissocodylaws2dxblarssonENGlvvzz
    mrt1mDouchekevinHalbeerz
  • ShaunRightNow
      Shaun Right Now @ShaunRightNow

    The customer is always right.
    Which is also why my wife loves to shop.

    • 51
    • FAVS
    2loony1stonedcoldlazyGina52263819Daliela40FrankLaValleHellisWorthitsalazarsboxingviolet_heartin
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    Gina52263819HellisWorthitsalazarsboxingviolet_heartinSandrahadenoughhottentotsgotsweetg35Maxine12333
    mrt1m
  • J_Illunninati
      J @J_Illunninati

    "That couldn't have been a squirrel, squirrels don't come out this late"

    *Apparently squirrels have curfews now, according to my brain.

    • 48
    • FAVS
    Moi_RaRa_NTFG_b4sageF5X11LuvPugboothang524beckslfcThisisMrGilbert
    • 24
    • RETWEETS
    _NTFG_F5X11ThisisMrGilbertiwearaonesiePopSlapFunksilent_musingsiluvmuttsHollyceH
    mrt1m
  • Jay1972Jay
      Jay @Jay1972Jay

    I iron my shirts by wearing them.

    • 40
    • FAVS
    ShutUpThatsWhozachv86shopkins776Tmoney68DigHerUpGrind_n_RollFredPollackWHEREISWALTJNR
    • 28
    • RETWEETS
    zachv86chrisreidradioMarcARobinsonTmoney68DigHerUpwithanewnameRangeelaDesigreeklsassy
    mrt1m
  • aveuaskew__
      Olivia @aveuaskew__

    Liquor bottle
    Wine bottle
    Pill bottle
    Rock
    Kim Kardashian

    - Bottoms that ruin my day

    • 228
    • FAVS
    mbrekAsYouNotWishcaliluvgirl77neakelTweetsByTheTony_SetTheHook_iwearaonesieYourFaithsAjoke
    • 106
    • RETWEETS
    ham_freecaliluvgirl77YourFaithsAjokeFavoritesYouJONOCOYOTEmarrusya6Supergurl_3mariaboesel
    mrt1m
  • Sickayduh
      Eldge @Sickayduh

    "911, what's your emerg-"

    "The women at work have synced their uteri and it's Hell"

    "Sir uteri is not plural for ute-"

    "TAMPI EVERYWHERE"

    • 6,270
    • FAVS
    Donna_McCoyhoops_DaddyNautilusCarlyMischievousJamRdrJay47superduperjesbutchthowcheeky__gal
    • 4,280
    • RETWEETS
    Donna_McCoyhoops_DaddyMischievousJamRdrJay47anifuriastalknerdyDMUMinivanBarbieFreebieBean
    thepunningmanGobshite_bea_kerLuckoftheDraw8610InchesPlusmrt1mGeauxSaints79KaylaKFosterLosLos__FrenulumBreveJakeSocialPlaying_DadJabba_Jabba_JawTheDailySchmuckCpin42KatieBurnetteeethanfordBook_KrazyTheRolocelestinelea90TheCareBareVN_RubenKnob_ishMatt_The_1st1BigMicklilgapeach32SternoShotsTwo_sneaksrandomlawlessbluebayoubyyou____DionneMcNuttpeeznutsRobElliottComicFatuousFloozy__JessObsessNervousJrDishy2101michaeljdawsonAlyssa_Jolie__Adar79AngiejeannerbeanerKyleMcDowell86ibid78imacountrypeachMrJeremyHornBluestmoon_JosesLovesYouCoopSoSarc________Dkoppen2MacaronMelLamplified
  • sarcasm_inc
      Blank. @sarcasm_inc

    Bouncer: Woah. Dress code
    Me: This is a suit
    B: Yeah, a chicken suit.
    *puts nugget in bouncer's pocket
    *pats it
    M: We good?
    B: Have fun, sir

    • 2,177
    • FAVS
    flnursey86lovemyboots111hellominamooEBiggumsjergarlAphroditeAfter5AudieMeraudietbtrayhurn
    • 1,386
    • RETWEETS
    lovemyboots111dontwrryowlwaitmryeattsEBiggumsjergarlAudieMeraudieMikaylataylor97nnaaxxii_rg
    iamjeffsloanthotpocketsmrt1mOldUncleDaveOTheRolosummerofbennySparkCityComedyjoeljeffreycaperbc75pinupteacherholypurgatoryMichaelLarrickWakenbake77MrJeremyHornphilyuckCpin42bennybootAmandasNotFunnySam_Alan33__corinnemlwsw
  • TheTalkingPipe
      Brother Ben @TheTalkingPipe

    We can do this the hard way or the easy way. Oh, the hard way? Thought you'd say easy way. Never mind then.

    • 424
    • FAVS
    heatherlou_fletchworld73hispanicmathmanwendybeth_KittyShittyyiGreenMonkedbritonMayumiMidori7
    • 316
    • RETWEETS
    ShaneGilliattheatherlou_aashiishhhispanicmathmanHebaGElMansyKarmaKineticsJBy_MeVeeb_Hu
    mrt1mBlue_Plus_Green
  • notbedelia__
      amelia @notbedelia__

    911: what's your emergency?

    M: I'm out of ketchup.

    911: miss I don't think u get how 911 works.

    M: I DONT THINK U GET HOW HOT DOGS WORK

    • 1,361
    • FAVS
    MrWillMisterDoctorEpperVapid_WasteEveOrCrysmjbbunsragingvetjeanmchlNeon_Dragon
    • 876
    • RETWEETS
    Vapid_WasteEveOrCrysmjbbunsmelancholyturtlragingvetjeanmchlNeon_Dragonregularguy911
    mrt1mJohnBechardfillthevacuumboobsareimplied
  • mllebeckyrose
      becca @mllebeckyrose

    I'm sorry I slapped you but you didn't seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

    • 2,639
    • FAVS
    trashtasticamonicastorssRachaelBooksSSourblondieJTDERUohpeetieDonna_McCoyorneryalways
    • 1,882
    • RETWEETS
    YaraElMalkiSSourblondieDNaztyXperienceDonna_McCoyorneryalwaysCrunk_Jewsmanaiasmama3BadrAlmighty
    Thrill_Tweeter__mrt1msilent_musingsDontFuckWithMomshashaintlShrinkMediaBeforeTheDamageShock_Monster__pbear79GhostOfATrophy____DurtMcHurttlittlekitnerboyVodkaShorebirdkillyougood
  • dixinormus10
      DIXINORMUS @dixinormus10

    It sucks when you're having sex and you yell "Who's your daddy?" and she says "I don't know". Then she starts crying..

    • 826
    • FAVS
    sarahtweetin_PBody__funnybeachgirlbroleary1crunchenhancedPee_And_GigglesBurtslorpmetalslave
    • 463
    • RETWEETS
    scornedwoman_PBody__crunchenhancedaMooresNotChillbreannaruthben1bgirl314BwadWilliamsHypercraxy
    mrt1mCpin42Douchekevinmixednutz35______MrToleton
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