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  • VampireIguana
      yourself @VampireIguana

    Waitress: "all set to order?"

    Me: yeah I'll have the- hang on

    *in the air tonight comes on*

    *does drum breakdown*

    Me: yeah I'll have th

    • 142
    • FAVS
    Donnie_Fairburnonume_dombracciasaddestalienINeed_AnAdultmrt1mLowkeyTwitsDee_Aye_Bee
    • 62
    • RETWEETS
    VN_Rubenonume_mrt1mshlbmccxRyanDangerDudecaseawolfBlawawawaamandacharter
    mrt1m
  • derpintine
      Derpes Simplex @derpintine

    welcome to cock suckers anonymous please take a se…

    …ok Karen… hands off!!

    *walks to board*
    *sets ‘days without incident’ board to 0*

    • 16
    • FAVS
    nofinbullflashember_Mugo_mrt1mLilzack82couchdwellerxaviermata2SpaceTerrorists
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    mrt1mxaviermata2KirbyTaylor1SaroufimSarah
    mrt1m
  • BakedBrotatoes
      baked brotatoes @BakedBrotatoes

    What's it like having to switch outlets to vacuum your whole house MILLIONAIRES?

    • 217
    • FAVS
    CarterGriestGringaLindsschultzy253lnyan17bquietpirateBrunchWithAlexPrettyGymGirlJGDillard
    • 83
    • RETWEETS
    AveCrallmitchgriestadistantshipjmcgonigler23brittney_huffkateweigbayan_daoudAndrewRyanKus
    mrt1mPJisBeast
  • BlindChow
      Blind Chow @BlindChow

    *walks up stairs with gf*
    "You could say this staircase…RAISED me."
    *gf laughs*
    "Seriously tho, meet my step-dad."
    "Hi," says the staircase.

    • 403
    • FAVS
    bsnc64Fickle_FillyAHHHHHstinKatharosCumPandAmonniaSassSlingingHasdick_ishhotsoccerchic69
    • 206
    • RETWEETS
    PandAmonniadick_ishYakJakeHallscumkittengrandfinnallyMechaBowiedroobisRorNotRed
    mrt1m
  • Cheese_Pile
      A Pile of Cheese @Cheese_Pile

    "Is Pepsi Okay?" - World's worst drug dealer

    • 319
    • FAVS
    FunkStroBrothagurl_cheesellvvzzDxbemSirkastiqeXentRic_INeed_AnAdultSoundsLocke
    • 168
    • RETWEETS
    EveOrCrysmrt1mwheres_joeljologzpoopachalupaPhantasmagoriaxNigelVenablehai_bae
    mrt1mdinokittenphilyuck
  • CornOnTheGoblin
      Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin

    Welcome to Sarcastic Club
    Im sooo happy to see you all
    Anyone know the 1st rule?
    "Be less sarcastic?"
    Ooo lets have this guy teach the class

    • 2,635
    • FAVS
    AaronsOtherOneajkriegzthe_bluesnailSARUHHHH4notlemelykRlpihlnishadtrivedimichaelm_oore
    • 1,775
    • RETWEETS
    AaronsOtherOneajkriegzgojarbetheycallmejwowthink_tronGeoroyomrt1mThehairymask
    Georoyomrt1mIntrepidDeviantbloptphilyuckBromanConsulmurrman5YesNoSuperThynebearRyanDangerDudeLeeMifsudstr8outaCompUSAgoogleymoogleyrownage_wangwekyle_thatisalldavid8hughesdanjan13daneZiestuartcraigPoopy_Pizza_PalAdamOfEarthDustinAHarkinsmoist_jefftoomuchnickDJ_PiddlesCrappy_Face_PicCausteeJulianGoldstein
  • 64spoons
      Spoon! @64spoons

    A gateway IP address only leads to harder IP addresses.

    • 207
    • FAVS
    topsixrowswelfarehoesmoking_ninjaeXentRic_mohamedkomzmrt1mcrazylikeanoxdroobis
    • 104
    • RETWEETS
    Rasbanda_ManolotopsixrowswelfarehoeJsSmRentonwagushmrt1mMacar00nyhangin_out
    mrt1mblopt
  • leifromloihi
      lei @leifromloihi

    "what's cooler than being cool?" andre3000 stops concert, begins powerpoint "-459.67°F, the temp at which entropy reaches its minimum value"

    • 795
    • FAVS
    archie_debunkersimonjohansosndylanmcswainCryptoterraxPizzaxSlutxlittIeradjackomalfoyybaconmosh
    • 491
    • RETWEETS
    graesloekxPizzaxSlutxbaconmoshDMightonOhgoddessitsmerednetwork306model3volutiondayumfranny
    mrt1mNiftyFistBumpthoughtsaplenty__arandomhim
  • DaddyJew
      DaddyJew @DaddyJew

    Welcome to Twitter, this is all you do now.

    • 2,681
    • FAVS
    taggart_stewartDreamWarrior777JayGibbs_KuKluxKundallandresthagiantEm_Kat44BarryVonAwesomebcolditz
    • 1,968
    • RETWEETS
    BulumkoLusuDreamWarrior777emiliemaicooperKuKluxKundallJ_IllunninatiDaveDaysCrazedShel_1366FloydSmithee
    a_olivia4212SparkCityComedyCYComedymrt1mDontFuckWithMomTheIronSherkRickyScampbigmacherAmeiamDJLIWIKZPseudoLib________williamsonnierFairhoodlum______Snarferninidlsims01__________deathtoscumbagsmrdeadlier
  • TheRolo
      The Rolo @TheRolo

    *Rides unicorn to work*

    *Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

    *Chats with mermaids*

    *Argues with Medusa*

    *Gets called in to HR*

    *Fails drug test*

    • 2,248
    • FAVS
    mercibeaublehfacetsofemeraldHlaoRooScott_A_Gilmorest1gmanFirginatorTidBoxLindaInDisguise
    • 1,663
    • RETWEETS
    HlaoRoonameless974Scott_A_GilmoreFanofTomTidBoxsheeshyeahtealbluejayRossDittman
    abrosenthaljimmy_sharpemrt1mdaniel_shawDumbConfessionstitletown__haolegurl808KoKeniSasquatchTattoo_Acousticmisterbrymopbear79WhatevaConcNahdude83soniadimaio68BlondeMissy_
  • daemonic3
      Terry F @daemonic3

    Son: Dad, I got straight A's are you proud?

    Dad: What about D's?

    Son: D's?

    Dad: DEEZ NUTS, NERD! Hey, honey!

    [from kitchen]

    Mom: OWNED!

    • 1,855
    • FAVS
    RupertPupkinPhDthenning15BarngeL_K_Wilkesjosh_hlbrksamsanavi97akogsskaratoth
    • 1,349
    • RETWEETS
    RupertPupkinPhDjosh_hlbrksamsanavi97kevintripleukaratothChris_RoestSynth_eeuhpenchapoy
    Matt_The_1stTitansHomerDaddyJewMrTwatWaffleBakedBrotatoesUncleDuke1969RobElliottComicmrt1mPaperWashCrunch11bbuseysteethjsteele3966SnarferniniJenny4ashley
  • ericsshadow
      Loco Eric @ericsshadow

    This is so embarrassing, what's your name again?

    - me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

    • 1,771
    • FAVS
    Tweety411itwashopesfaultuserkim07kfravSandraTurnbaughJerricaPearlMaxwellSnarkPeepsMagoo
    • 1,288
    • RETWEETS
    PunchDATfakahJimmyStaxXxuserkim07SummersBreakSandraTurnbaughTheRegalNegroRetnaburnXcryssianna
    mrt1miwearaonesiethesalster1
  • hiitsmolly
      whatever. @hiitsmolly

    my phone just autocorrected "party" to "Partyy". I'm scared of the person my phone thinks I am

    • 187
    • FAVS
    JosesLovesYouBakedBrotatoesnishadtrivediisopodshuffleBrohamulettb_alexanderyesenia_fizzyk_bailing
    • 45
    • RETWEETS
    Gachirismk_bailingLivi_booMWEDM_PsychedelicGinGandersnowbonersBRAXNIYthat_musigi
    mrt1m
  • murrman5
      Brent @murrman5

    Hey, thanks for defining the word "many" for me. It means a lot.

    • 1,708
    • FAVS
    AaronsOtherOnemolokaieeBakedBrotatoescdbrown570thomrecklessliljyoxLieslKreiderangryl0lrus
    • 975
    • RETWEETS
    GachirismAaronsOtherOneangryl0lrusalunpippinSimonmorri5TheLeslieMommyDaveAlcalaKhrisWarhol
    TheIronSherkmrt1mBuckyIsotope
  • Thynebear
      Thynebear @Thynebear

    *goes to watch youtube vid*

    BUFFER

    well okay *lifts weights*

    *checks again*

    BUFFER

    *does steroids*

    BUFFER

    "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME"

    • 3,109
    • FAVS
    VinDAntonioGregTricsoupisgooddudeStevenSawanalexithymiiczachcwcjillreshkupperwomann
    • 2,273
    • RETWEETS
    AveCrallGregTricMirandaStarr17Timmy_turner9alexithymiicDMajestikFals3Flag_dominik69
    NolaChef504mrt1mJaySommerCornOnTheGoblinIntrepidDeviant_wangweTheIronSherkarandomhimScigglez__________gato_fumando______PoonWhisperer1
  • WonderMonkey78
      Wonder Monkey @WonderMonkey78

    The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

    • 43
    • FAVS
    gaston_marianmadi_brooke16jenn6190RocketRankoonmeatandthreegScarletWLandGinAndJifWaterLilyDreams
    • 30
    • RETWEETS
    pottymouthnerdRocketRankoonmeatandthreegohmyangi33shiftmvpsamuelhloweNuttysmytMicropan44
    mrt1m
  • _NinJar
      BunJar @_NinJar

    *wakes up in hospital*
    What happened?
    "It was a heart attack"
    Will I be ok?
    *a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
    "No"

    • 401
    • FAVS
    NathanBgoodfuklordghettOprahswillybyteDougggaHorsicaljohnnyfrohltLAR_
    • 220
    • RETWEETS
    fungukasquadchelleariMeechDT14jayus__ericpalseanbradeyBorkBorkulatorbonnieomurwa
    mrt1msummerofbennytrumpthechumpdinokittenKyleMcDowell86VampireIguana
  • BeardSpice
      BeardSpice @BeardSpice

    Nike really needs some apparel that doesn't tell me what to do.

    • 254
    • FAVS
    jazmastarifaatfakihekSquaredSimonBelmont534JL0pezQuinnGaleSangriaSurfervtermini1
    • 126
    • RETWEETS
    rifaatfakihbenitttoFavstar250NigelVenableSangriaSurferCheese_PileJakodog923211420
    mrt1m
  • SatansTongue
      Cocaine Cola @SatansTongue

    "I can't take your money. It's ripped"
    *they turn to look at the money*
    *money is bench pressing coins*
    Money: Got a fucking problem?

    • 291
    • FAVS
    SocialExtortionmatt_travellingsunshineopineJenniferErvin13wellsypoo25Ledbetter_KaraBipolarBear31Nzdellenburg
    • 187
    • RETWEETS
    HenrryKMartinezMatt_The_1stKate____williampierrardDavidWaddleJenny4ashleyreturns2tweetdaemonic3
    mrt1m
  • vineyille
      viney @vineyille

    Busta, you're leading this mountain climbing expedition, how much further? "Past the crevacier." Oh god he said that three crevaciers ago

    • 59
    • FAVS
    Ryan_Man2a_moslanderLukeHodinabiri_nauaTedPillowPhilNistaokayjuliaWanderingReeds
    • 31
    • RETWEETS
    psychoMUGAblood_targaryenKafoiiiOVOJeremyfionayvonneYasminShamsaMunaKasyaedutosha
    mrt1m
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