Protip: when fighting a man in self defence, kicking him in the nuts is particularly effective. Unless of course he is a ninja. Or a eunuch.

Is currently resisting the urge to take the idiot customer in front of me in the chip shop and shoving his head in the deep fat fryer.

Ever wondered what it's like to see a grown man actually explode? Come hither, its moments away.

I set my escape plan in motion, it's now disguised as leaving work on time. . .

Today i will be mostly cowering under my desk until i've absorbed enough caffeine to not care about work. Oh no i meant alcohol didnt I?

Apparently walking up to a woman and saying i like your dog doesn't go down very well if in fact you are pointing at her child at the time.

I've watched nearly half an hour of #towie now.

My main question is, when do they start dying?

The do die, don't they?

Please.

The Robin is the most savage bird of prey in the UK often seen terrorising villages in winter with its fiery breath. #FactsWithoutWikipedia

Back to work tomorrow.

With a fresh bag of hammers and a renewed hatred of mankind.

It's going to be legendary.

Is it wrong to refuse to give a homeless guy your change just because he has a better car than you?

Or to push him in a puddle?

Oops.

Lets see what sort of things today throws my way. Hopefully not the sack of angry confused kittens again. Or the acid, that was bad too.

I really wish I had fitted some Gatling guns, rockets or just a cow catcher to the car, anything to make this journey better really...

OK then who wants to swap me for this migraine. I'll take anything up to a broken limb.

Some genius has given me an actual employee to control. Or murder.

I'm not sure which yet.

It may still be a mannequin and a cruel joke..

I just logged into Facebook and there wasn't even a hint of people finding oddly coloured lonely animals.

They obviously bury them now.

My new pet hate (no not gingers) people who start following you. then unfollow once you follow them back and also ironically won't see this.

Is up at 5.31am. A previously undiscovered time.

Can I name it?

Waking up to find no less than 25 drunken abusive texts on your phone.

Great.

Discovering they are meant for someone else.

Awesome.

I'm home and surprisingly few people had to die to make it that way.

15 minutes to boil 2 eggs? What is this world coming to? Fetch my gun.