As a teenager, my mother always knew I was high when I attempted to use the coat closet as an elevator to my room.

Was reading jokes on Favstar & thought to myself, how did this dickwad get this many followers? Then realized I was viewing my own profile.

Schizophrenics who drink alone are still social drinkers.

When in a heated argument I like to mix-up curse words to let the other person know I mean business. (e.g., listen here, mother bitch-fuck!)

Guy in restroom stall sticks his hand out and says "little help". So I pulled his finger and left. Poor guy must've been constipated.

An asian whorehouse is a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

I just unfollowed someone with lighting speed because they retweeted inspirational quotes. Consider this a warning to the rest of you.

Ladies, whenever a guy asks for a blowjob in a baby voice. Punch that perverted fuck in his mouth. Babies don't get blowjobs!

It's date night. Taking my girlfriend out for diner, then to a fancy hotel to have sex. I should probably specify, fancy hotel parking lot.

I found pubic hair's in my lunch! DISGUSTING! Who even grows out their pubes anymore? I thought to myself, as I finished my burrito. Gross.

My gay friends think they're skin care experts. They always offer me free facials. I'm not falling for that. Again.

My younger brother came out of the closet. Mom was very upset and crying. My father was ashamed. He found dads tranny porn stash.

Soon enough, Adele will stop singing about heartbreaks and more about cupcakes.

My premature ejaculation saves me money when calling phone sex hotlines. I go as far as dialing 1-800, then I'm finished.

Dreaming is free, but wet dreams will cost you a fresh pair of underwear.

I just ate a Wal-Mart deli sandwich. No side effects so far. Excuse me while I go try to make out with my sister. I'll keep you posted.

I hate to sound like a snob, but in order for me to truly enjoy this red wine, I will need to order a side of vagina.

During sex the "wrong hole" never felt so right.

The chick who walks out the club barefooted with heels in hand, will probably be down for some anal sex.

I bet no one would notice if i became a member of the Wu-Tang Clan.