Kriss Kross is gonna make you... your burger and fries now, so please pull up to the drive-thru.

I'm working on this new game called "Hungry Hungry Hipsters" where you just cut up their dad's credit card.

"We all have that weird uncle who does inappropriate things from time to time..." -My uncle making a case for why he just licked my teeth.

I love reuniting people, which is why i gave the kid next door a bottle of paint thinner, so he could down it and be with his grandpa again!

It's easy to pretend your penis is the Kool-Aid Man the first time you go bursting through some girl's hymen! #OhYeah!

I bet telling the cops you thought you were on a Japanese game show could get you out of some pretty bizarre crimes...

I know how to sneak a peek at a urinal if i want to compare penis size with people, but how can i be sure i have the nicest butthole!? :(

Nothing's deader than the eyes of a Burger King employee who can no longer bring themselves to correct people who order "McNuggets" anymore.

A great way to earn women's respect probably begins with no longer calling them "finger puppets".

Vaginas: The t-shirt cannons of babies.

I stopped saying "I Love You" to my dad the moment i realized he was smarter than the girls i dated, and it wasn't going to lead to sex.

There's no greater feeling than releasing at the same time as your partner, which is why i always get off directly in front of the mirror!

I imagine Courtney Love has the power to suck people into her body through her vagina, whole, like a graphic, cracked out nesting doll.

Sometimes i wish my penis was like one of those crazy arm-flailing inflatable tube men...

My dad never bought me a dog, but he did get loaded and go to the bathroom in various parts of the house a lot, so... close enough.

In retrospect i'm starting to think my camp counselor knew he couldn't get my butt pregnant when we did all of those experiments...

Oh sure, they find my semen in three stupid cats, and now i'm suddenly banned from the SPCA for life... get over yourselves, elitists!

Hey, can one of you please shake my butt as i watch myself & show you what i'm working with? I'm really bad at all this multitasking stuff!

Remember, it can never be racist if you say it while you're having sex with them!

You're more likely to hear me say "I'd hit it!" in reference to a stranger's kids than you would their vagina.