If I ever go missing, please put my photo on a Tequila bottle because nobody I know drinks milk.

Woman don't want a man's opinion, they want their opinion in a deeper voice.

I finally found my wives G-spot, who knew her sister had it all this time.

Being pretty will only get you so far, being naked will get you the rest of the way.

The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver............we now have a situation in the kitchen.

Remember before twitter? When we used to work a full day. WTF was that about?!?!

Amazing how nobody looks when a car alarm goes off, but I drop one fart in a shopping centre and people stare........

Why why why Why why Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why. MY DAUGHTER'S WHOLE VOCABULARY!!!!!

The only thing that feels better than an orgasm is dislodging that piece of popcorn that's been stuck in your gums for 2 days.

There are two types of people: masturbaters and liars.

If you've never thought about quitting twitter because you spend too much time on it, then you're not spending enough time on it.

Drinking alone is a sign of alcoholism. I have multiple personalities so I'm good.

Let's run away together, you go first and I'll catch up.

I've never abused alcohol, it's always been consensual.

I must apologize for my last tweet and my 1132nd tweet as well, don't get me started on my 457th tweet I don't know what I was thinking.

I don't use google anymore, all I do now is tweet my question, because you cunts seem to have all the answers.

If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please be a female!!

My female boss to my daughter: You've gotten so big.

My daughter: So have you.

Me: I'll have my desk cleaned out by the end of the day.

I always take Prozac with Viagra. If I don't get a fuck, I don't give a fuck!

Sometimes I get so hungry that I eat a sandwich without having sex first.