I do have a life outside of Twitter, but I can't remember the password.

Merry Christmas and a big thank you to all of our service men and women, and to our EMT's, Firefighters and Police Officers working today.

Arguing with your wife is like trying to blow out a light bulb

Claiming that someone else's marriage is against your religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because you're on a diet

If you fuck like you park, you'll never get it in~ Totally leaving this on a few windshields around here

Superuser site for all of your updates http://androidsu.com Please RT as I don't have all of his followers following me. =}

Please remember, It may take a village to raise a child. But it only takes one condom to save them the hassle.

http://t.co/HJqFwMVV My new tattoo!

If life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic

You don’t have to like me. I’m not a facebook status.

I childproofed my house, but they still got in!

I hate it when people will steal your app instead of paying a damn dollar for it. Jackasses.

#ff @missmishp I'm not damaged goods, I'm damaged greats!

Quit saying HOOAH. You're a spouse. You don't hooah. You have a hooha.

If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.

 http://twitpic.com/bklfgp  finished cards

I hate to tell you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing at all.

You can donate to http://t.co/vSJF1HMO to help our airmen stationed overseas!

They say we learn from our mistakes. That's why I'm deliberately making as many as possible. Soon I'll be a genius!!

We all need a laugh, right? Here you go! https://t.co/q9pZ3DPN