19 y/o realized I was reading Twitter & not listening to him. He whispers in my ear "Mom those people aren't really your friends."

Guys, you really shouldn't wear skinny jeans unless you've always wanted a vagina. It's just not attractive.

Ok so there really is an app for everything...found an app to turn your phone into a vibrator. I think I'll keep my vibrator separate.

Husband lifted me by waistband of shorts...I don't know which is more concerning - my vagina/ass crack are deeper now or that it didn't hurt

It always scares me when I eat something that's so hot it numbs my mouth because it makes me scared for my butt hole.

My spell check tried to correct 'orgasm' with 'orgy'. If it knows 'orgy' how in the hell does it not know 'orgasm'?!? Smart phone my ass!!

Just because my hard-on is invisible doesn't mean I'm not up.

OMG if my husband calls my name 1 more damn time, I'm going to drown him in the bathtub.

My autocorrect tried to change dildo to solo. Sometimes it amazes me how smart this phone really is.

Holy shit y'all, I am amazed that I'm at 86 followers. I still can't figure out why anyone would follow me, but thank you SO much!!!

It's a good thing I don't keep a vibrator in my car....or maybe it's not. I probably wouldn't have such road rage if I did.

My sparkling personality is contagious & there's no cure, so you might want to protect yourself.

Just had to remind 16 y/o: only 2 people in this house work, buy food & pay bills, so until you're 1 of those, keep your mouth shut.

Not that I have anything against dysfunction, I just prefer my dysfunctional friends over my dysfunctional family.

As I was reading Twitter this a.m. My husband says: Damn woman, don't you want some real human contact? Me: Not if it TALKS!!

I don't think my expectations are too high; I think everyone else's are too low.

The girl wearing a t-shirt that says "don't hate, appreciate" oddly enough doesn't have anything to appreciate.

When I'm bored, y'all don't tweet fast enough, but when I'm busy, y'all tweet too fast. What's up with that shit?!?

I chew gum to strengthen my jaw muscles, which helps when I want to suck the chocolate off a Kit Kat bar :)

My mind never wants to sleep at night & my body never wants to get up in the morning. I wish they would compromise so we can all get along.