What's a burnt pizza,frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario there was an idiot who didn't take it out in time

Hubby: "Why don't you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?"
Wife: "I don't want to bother you while you are at work."

Dear Alcohol, we had a deal. u were suppose 2 make me funnier, smarter & put me in a good mood.... I saw the photos - we need to talk.

6% of men enjoy a bj for sexual satisfaction, 6% enjoy it for visual stimulation and the other 88% just enjoy it for the peace & quiet...

Anal sex is not for pussies

My twitter crush just DM'd me a dick pic. I said I would love to see that erect. He blocked me...

I'm gonna drink myself single...

I sit for 15 minutes laughing at my own tweet. Then read it to my husband who looks at me in confusion...

Never let someone cure your insanity. It's what makes you who you are. What is a mind without a bit of insanity? Lifeless. Boring. Dead...

It's not that men don't understand women. Men don't understand Anyone. Not even themselves. Just give em a break n let em jizz on your face

I snort glitter. I want to be beautiful inside and out...

If I unfollow you I accept your apology, for boring me...

Without fools the rest of us could not succeed

I Don't get why ppl are scared to RT. Do u want to keep your followers to yourself? Ppl have the Right to see how Funny I Am.
Cunt!

I star'd a girl and I
Liked it....

Cum is in the eye of the blowjobber...

Ten percent of something is better than 100% of nothing

TwitterCrush's are for amateurs, they don't do much. I have a TwitterWhore. He Stars and RT's all my shit...

My TwitterCrush just DM'd me. Admitting he was a she...

Meh... As long as you keep the same Avi I don't care...

A storm is never over. It just passes.