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God must have humour because he made me and gave me this life.
Ten percent of something is better than 100% of nothing
Never let someone cure your insanity. It's what makes you who you are. What is a mind without a bit of insanity? Lifeless. Boring. Dead...
My husband doesn't like me wearing a skirt. I'm clumsy I Aways seem to be falling on to men's laps.
I use pink cupcakes to wash my vagina because its beautiful.
You hate me? Sorry. I can't say the same. I don't even know you :)
Life is hard for those who close the door. Leave the door open, for there are many many more to open. Only You have the key...
"My husband says I'm a happier person lately. So that's why I'm drunk officer. I'm just headed home"
Without fools the rest of us could not succeed
I can only make you smile if you allow yourself to smile...
Sometimes you have to accept the fact that your spouse masturbates more than you.
Sorry love. I'll try slow down when you're home.
I sleep with trolls because angry sex is always the best.
My husband must read my tweets and think I'm such a bitch, whore, slut and a big fat cunt!
He must be so proud!
6% of men enjoy a bj for sexual satisfaction, 6% enjoy it for visual stimulation and the other 88% just enjoy it for the peace & quiet...
I wish the refresh button worked on my husband.
My husband is like my period. Always comes at the wrong time.
In the gym sweating like a african prince about to get circumcised.
Karma politely knocked on my door. He gave me a lecture on time and people. He said he wasn't after me, he just wanted your address...
Its funny how when insulting a man you call him by the one thing he loves the most.
5yr: Mum stop! There is a eyeflash on your cheek?!
Me: Eye lash...
5yr: Stop it! You missing the whole point!
My goal is to make you piss your pants. Either by never wanting to leave, or from laughter. Kids don't follow, somethings your parents should teach you Not me.