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Gay divorces need to be legalized everywhere because I would watch the shit out of a gay divorce court.
I wasn't mad. Then you asked me 12 times if I was mad. Well, now I'm mad.
Fuck, you are my favorite word. I love you Fuck.
Coworker: I don't even know what's wrong with me. *sighs
Me: Oo Oooo pick me pick me I know *raises hand with answer
When I see people putting their heart and soul into singing to themselves in their car. I find a little faith in humanity.
No it's fine I don't need commas I don't take breaks or need to breathe.
Don’t dance like no one is watching, dance like someone is watching and about to slide a twenty dollar bill into your neon thong.
I can tell by your hair that you love Jesus.
It's all fun and games till your pants don't fit anymore.
If I just had that Willy Wonka whistle to signal midgets to come in and fix all my problems.
I eat my cupcakes like it's an emergency.
I tongue dialed you by accident because there was something tasty on my phone.
I just accidentally inhaled Koolaid dust, so if I come busting through your wall you'll know why.
Drinking alone isn't so bad if you're so drunk you don't even know your own name.
In the Walking Dead how and when does the cop guy find time to clean, iron, and press his uniform during the zombie apocalypse?
That's what happens when your dads name is Billy Ray.
My Spirit animal hunts other spirit animals.
Don't come up to my desk and talk to me today unless you're a bottle of wine
The worst thing you could do to an old person is not let them go down to the bank everyday.
Why are you still trying to make a life for yourself in farmville?