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Gay divorces need to be legalized everywhere because I would watch the shit out of a gay divorce court.
I wasn't mad. Then you asked me 12 times if I was mad. Well, now I'm mad.
Fuck, you are my favorite word. I love you Fuck.
Coworker: I don't even know what's wrong with me. *sighs
Me: Oo Oooo pick me pick me I know *raises hand with answer
No it's fine I don't need commas I don't take breaks or need to breathe.
When I see people putting their heart and soul into singing to themselves in their car. I find a little faith in humanity.
If I just had that Willy Wonka whistle to signal midgets to come in and fix all my problems.
I tongue dialed you by accident because there was something tasty on my phone.
Don’t dance like no one is watching, dance like someone is watching and about to slide a twenty dollar bill into your neon thong.
Drinking alone isn't so bad if you're so drunk you don't even know your own name.
In the Walking Dead how and when does the cop guy find time to clean, iron, and press his uniform during the zombie apocalypse?
I can tell by your hair that you love Jesus.
Don't come up to my desk and talk to me today unless you're a bottle of wine
My Spirit animal hunts other spirit animals.
Why are you still trying to make a life for yourself in farmville?
That's what happens when your dads name is Billy Ray.
If you've ever Googled "why do I want to kill him sometimes" you would be amazed at Googles response.
It's so frustrating talking to someone who's not there and they don't answer you.
Some of your booby avis scare me, like I'm going to get sucked into a never ending motorboat.
I eat my cupcakes like it's an emergency.