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The first time sleeping over a guy's place is always awkward 'cause I have to explain who I am, how I got in, & why I'm crying.
My phone just autocorrected "kitty litter" to "nobody will love you until you love yourself, Lauren. Also, go easy on the froyo."
If some slut tries to steal your boyfriend, remember, that's actually her husband, & you're very drunk.
When my phone says "searching," I hold it to my heart & whisper "Me too, phone, me too," then burst into tears.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I like to think that the dozens of guys who never called me back are all together in one room... kissing.
Pretty cute how my ex is trying to get me back by posting photos of him & his wife on their honeymoon.
Look, I may not be "perfect" or "happy" or "normal" or "married" or "in love" or "loved" or "datable" or "secure" or "sober" or "sane."
Trick or treat, smell my feet, hold my hand, ask me out, pet the cats, introduce me to your mom...
Wanna prank an ex? Call & ask, "Is your refrigerator running? The one we bought together? I can still smell your skin, Todd." then hang up!
I like my men like I like my coffee: Cats.
There is no "i" in "team," but there are a lot of "pills" in my "mouth" because nobody will marry me.
Ever sneeze so hard that your parents got divorced?
Surprise your boyfriend by telling him he's your boyfriend.
My boyfriend just dumped me because I "cry too much" & I "made him up."
All the guys at this party must be too shy to ask for my number. I'll just yell it.
I'm hungry, but I also want to get married.
Still haven't found the perfect photo of my cat for my locket. Then again, they're all pretty purrrfect HAHAHAHAHA i'm so alone HAHAHAHAHAHA
Sure, most of my friends are on their second child, but I'm on my second dinner so I think we're pretty much even.
I'm VERY busy on Tuesday, February 14th so don't even bother asking me out for that night. Because I'm busy. Super busy so don't even ask.
I live in a hovel! And you live in a townhouse! I can't believe this girl!
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