The first time sleeping over a guy's place is always awkward 'cause I have to explain who I am, how I got in, & why I'm crying.

If some slut tries to steal your boyfriend, remember, that's actually her husband, & you're very drunk.

When my phone says "searching," I hold it to my heart & whisper "Me too, phone, me too," then burst into tears.

My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!

Pretty cute how my ex is trying to get me back by posting photos of him & his wife on their honeymoon.

I like my men like I like my coffee: Cats.

Trick or treat, smell my feet, hold my hand, ask me out, pet the cats, introduce me to your mom...

Look, I may not be "perfect" or "happy" or "normal" or "married" or "in love" or "loved" or "datable" or "secure" or "sober" or "sane."

There is no "i" in "team," but there are a lot of "pills" in my "mouth" because nobody will marry me.

Surprise your boyfriend by telling him he's your boyfriend.

My boyfriend just dumped me because I "cry too much" & I "made him up."

I'm hungry, but I also want to get married.

Still haven't found the perfect photo of my cat for my locket. Then again, they're all pretty purrrfect HAHAHAHAHA i'm so alone HAHAHAHAHAHA

Ever sneeze so hard that your parents got divorced?

All the guys at this party must be too shy to ask for my number. I'll just yell it.

I'm VERY busy on Tuesday, February 14th so don't even bother asking me out for that night. Because I'm busy. Super busy so don't even ask.

A coworker just told me her foot fell asleep. Big deal, that happens to my WHOLE body EVERY NIGHT.

1st date: Puss in Boots 3D. 2nd date: Puss in Boots 3D. 3rd date: Anal.

Adults never get excited anymore about how big I got since they last saw me :(

Sex tip: Have it with me.