The worst adjective to put in front of "vagina" is still "pet-friendly."

What's everyone's favorite Solstice? Mine's Winter but Summer is a close second.

What if twitter is the only thing that soothes me?

Ever order a burrito at Chipotle and mispronounce "carnitas" and then everyone's like, "KILL THAT JEW!!!"?

Wherever you go, there you are. On your phone.

@mrsrupertpupkin this is for you. pic.twitter.com/UXJHVIgjxE

Happy Try Not to Think About Your Mother Feeling Obligated to Robotically Perform a Degrading Sex Act on Your Father Day!

Okay thanks! 👍RT @dilaydilaay: @jillianrosereed i hate tamara

"You could throw a piece of shit on the grill and it would taste good." - my Dad, giving me advice on barbecuing.
#happyfathersday

Spooning my cat like the sad woman that I am

Baywatch Blake  https://vine.co/v/hBqj7pKTVrO 

@annabeloakes @mrsrupertpupkin Putting a lot of raspberries in a lot of rum. Really into infusing right now.

Shhh, teenagers.

I wonder how much it pays to correct grammar on twitter?

@blakegriffin32 I do the same thing with this guy. pic.twitter.com/uB7ty23mvO

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

who wants to come over and make garbage angels on my bedroom floor??

I like my women like I like my underwear: Dr. Mario.

My only rule when it comes to dating: her doll head collection can't be bigger than mine.

My cat has this thing where he opens his mouth to meow but he doesn't make a sound so I have to say, "Use your word."