If some slut tries to steal your boyfriend, remember, that's actually her husband, & you're very drunk.

My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!

The first time sleeping over a guy's place is always awkward 'cause I have to explain who I am, how I got in, & why I'm crying.

Pretty cute how my ex is trying to get me back by posting photos of him & his wife on their honeymoon.

When my phone says "searching," I hold it to my heart & whisper "Me too, phone, me too," then burst into tears.

Ever sneeze so hard that your parents got divorced?

There is no "i" in "team," but there are a lot of "pills" in my "mouth" because nobody will marry me.

I like my men like I like my coffee: Cats.

I'm hungry, but I also want to get married.

A coworker just told me her foot fell asleep. Big deal, that happens to my WHOLE body EVERY NIGHT.

Sunday night = perusing Facebook to see if anybody has broken up with their stupid elf-faced girlfriend & is ready to be with me, Greg.

Adults never get excited anymore about how big I got since they last saw me :(

All the guys at this party must be too shy to ask for my number. I'll just yell it.

Still haven't found the perfect photo of my cat for my locket. Then again, they're all pretty purrrfect HAHAHAHAHA i'm so alone HAHAHAHAHAHA

"Maybe she's born with it. Maybe she's a monster wearing a shit ton of makeup." -Maybelline

Trick or treat, smell my feet, hold my hand, ask me out, pet the cats, introduce me to your mom...

1st date: Puss in Boots 3D. 2nd date: Puss in Boots 3D. 3rd date: Anal.

Surprise your boyfriend by telling him he's your boyfriend.

Look, I may not be "perfect" or "happy" or "normal" or "married" or "in love" or "loved" or "datable" or "secure" or "sober" or "sane."

A toddler was accidentally served alcohol at a Detroit Applebees. His Mom knew something was off when he was suddenly more fun to be around.