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Sticks & stones will break my bones which will probably make it harder for me to find a husband before the holidays (
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't ask your prom date why he ditched you for that slut Colleen in 1998.
You say "tomato," I say "Please, Brad, don't press charges, I'll leave your garage if you promise to love me the way I've always loved you!"
191 days until my wedding! Let me know if you guys have anybody to set me up with!
Babies are happy because their pants always fit.
I just want someone to share my health insurance with.
Tinder is so confusing. I miss the days where you could just "like" anybody by sticking a post-it note to their forehead.
The DMV lady said I look like a Russian mermaid which was sad because a Russian mermaid killed my mom.
I don't want to be one of those girls who books her wedding venue before she's even MET her future husband... but oh what the heck!
"Happiness is measured by how much time is spent petting both cats at once" -Anonymous (... it was me. I said that).
Really looking forward to Renaissance bodies being back in style.
See a penny, pick it up, give it to your neighbor Sebastian, ask why he's dating that skank Colleen, I mean I'm definitely prettier right?
I was wrong. There was no engagement ring inside the cat poop in my closet.
I said YES! (nobody asked me)
Even babies have longer eyelashes and more boyfriends than I do.
Just cooked my boyfriend his favorite meal but he's all mad because "we broke up five years ago" and "this is kidnapping, Lauren."
Still confused about what rhymes with "hug me."
I live in a hovel! And you live in a townhouse! I can't believe this girl!
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