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Met a cute guy tonight but I'm nervous he could smell my cat's breath on my breath.
If I stare at my reflection while crossing my eyes I make a beautiful bride!
Who me? Just crying every hour, on the hour. What's up with you?
I'm just gonna say what we've all been thinking: old people often look like turtles.
Terrified that someone will hack my cloud and leak all the nudes of my cats!
I would definitely dump an ice bucket on my head for a good cause and also to hide the tears
My phone just autocorrected "kitty litter" to "nobody will love you until you love yourself, Lauren. Also, go easy on the froyo."
Sex is like tacos- all buttery, and toasted and... lemony? ... I've never had a "taco" :(
Cats are even better than kittens because there's more surface area to pet. Still single.
Neck hurts send money
I like to think that the dozens of guys who never called me back are all together in one room... kissing.
My boyfriend's so mean. First he said he hates cats, then he said "we're not dating, Lauren. Get off my scooter."
My ear hurts. If anybody knows any single doctors or architects please DM me!
Having one of those "I just wanna take off my bra and get married" moments.
Google history: "Can a cat choke on a hairball," "How to make him love me," "Creme brulee for one."
When somebody tells me "the cat's out of the bag," I always think: Thank God! Give him some wet food & let the snuggle fest begin!
Sure, most of my friends are on their second child, but I'm on my second dinner so I think we're pretty much even.
Kinda wish a dog would pull ME off MY tricycle so my cat could run in and save me.
First step to get your boyfriend to propose: Trick him into believing he's your boyfriend!
First date tonight. I can't believe our one year anniversary is only one year away!
I live in a hovel! And you live in a townhouse! I can't believe this girl!