Heading out for a jog but my good sports bra is in the wash so I'd appreciate it if everyone just stayed inside.

It's hard to get pregnant when a certain someone won't even call you back, JUSTIN.

Everything happens for a reason, even if that "thing" is "dying alone" and the "reason" is "cats."

Google history: "Skinny girl strawberry margarita," "How to make him like you," "Furball treatment," "Why?"

On a first date. Have only mentioned the cats thrice. #husband #cats

Dance like nobody's watching, pet like your cat's not struggling to get away, kiss like your neighbor's wife's not pulling you off him...

I can't wait to tell my boyfriend he's my boyfriend.

This whole "cat allergy" trend is getting out of control. The war's on gluten, guys! Come on!

I do my own stunts. Is crying a stunt?

I know it's not a contest but I haven't had sex in longer than you haven't had sex.

Play hard to get by handcuffing yourself to your ex-boyfriend's steering wheel.

My horoscope said NOTHING about running out of hummus.

In retrospect, maybe I shouldn't have whispered "I can make you a cat person" into the bartender's ear, repeatedly, last night.

I emailed myself to see if I could still feel.

I like when the news talks about bears in backyards.

This guy at the bar is so flirty! He's all "Don't touch me," "I'm serious," "I'm calling the police."

Kissing is fun. I can't wait to try it with an actual person!

Guys can smell desperation a mile away so I always douse myself in perfume while beging him to please please please love me.

My waiter just touched my arm. Can't wait to meet his parents.

TGIFETIDHABTSTWWOWPNW (Thank God It's Friday Even Though I Don't Have A Boyfriend To Spend The Weekend With Oh Well Probably Next Weekend)