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Even babies have longer eyelashes and more boyfriends than I do.
Just cooked my boyfriend his favorite meal but he's all mad because "we broke up five years ago" and "this is kidnapping, Lauren."
Still confused about what rhymes with "hug me."
Dentist made my mouth so numb I can't even feel my cat's fur on my lips :(
I had a dream there was this coyote and then he was my boyfriend. It was the best dream I ever had.
Maybe I could find love if I had some more upper body strength.
Surprise your boyfriend by moving all your stuff into his place six years after he "broke up" with you!
Ever wish your tummy ache would turn into a baby?
The sunset looks so beautiful from my ex's new girlfriend's fire escape.
Trick or treat, smell my feet, hold my hand, tell me you love me, start a family with me.
Aw, cute!! My ex is totally trying to get me back by getting engaged to someone thinner!
Met a cute guy tonight but I'm nervous he could smell my cat's breath on my breath.
If I stare at my reflection while crossing my eyes I make a beautiful bride!
Who me? Just crying every hour, on the hour. What's up with you?
I'm just gonna say what we've all been thinking: old people often look like turtles.
Terrified that someone will hack my cloud and leak all the nudes of my cats!
I would definitely dump an ice bucket on my head for a good cause and also to hide the tears
My phone just autocorrected "kitty litter" to "nobody will love you until you love yourself, Lauren. Also, go easy on the froyo."
I live in a hovel! And you live in a townhouse! I can't believe this girl!
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