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"Happiness is measured by how much time is spent petting both cats at once" -Anonymous (... it was me. I said that).
Really looking forward to Renaissance bodies being back in style.
See a penny, pick it up, give it to your neighbor Sebastian, ask why he's dating that skank Colleen, I mean I'm definitely prettier right?
I was wrong. There was no engagement ring inside the cat poop in my closet.
I said YES! (nobody asked me)
Even babies have longer eyelashes and more boyfriends than I do.
Just cooked my boyfriend his favorite meal but he's all mad because "we broke up five years ago" and "this is kidnapping, Lauren."
Still confused about what rhymes with "hug me."
Dentist made my mouth so numb I can't even feel my cat's fur on my lips :(
I had a dream there was this coyote and then he was my boyfriend. It was the best dream I ever had.
Maybe I could find love if I had some more upper body strength.
Surprise your boyfriend by moving all your stuff into his place six years after he "broke up" with you!
Ever wish your tummy ache would turn into a baby?
The sunset looks so beautiful from my ex's new girlfriend's fire escape.
Trick or treat, smell my feet, hold my hand, tell me you love me, start a family with me.
Aw, cute!! My ex is totally trying to get me back by getting engaged to someone thinner!
Met a cute guy tonight but I'm nervous he could smell my cat's breath on my breath.
I live in a hovel! And you live in a townhouse! I can't believe this girl!
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