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Babies are happy because their pants always fit.
There is no "i" in "team," but there are a lot of "pills" in my "mouth" because nobody will marry me.
I'll never forget my very first job - Blockbuster Video, summer 2013.
Ever sneeze so hard that your parents got divorced?
I love it when guys talk dirty & they're all, "You're not, nor will you ever be my girlfriend, Lauren. Leave now or I'm calling the police."
You guys, I met someone! He's tall, handsome, employed, ambitious, made up, sexy, funny, fun, fictitious, intelligent, sensitive, & sweet!
Spent a lot of time today practicing my "I'm not that kind of girl" faces in the mirror.
When my phone says "searching," I hold it to my heart & whisper "Me too, phone, me too," then burst into tears.
The first time sleeping over a guy's place is always awkward 'cause I have to explain who I am, how I got in, & why I'm crying.
One funny April Fools would be for someone to have sex with me.
Ugh, my phone just autocorrected "kitty litter" to "Hey Lauren, maybe it's time to try online dating."
Today is my cat's birthday and I'm pretty sure he wished for a Daddy. I SAID, I'M PRETTY SURE HE WISHED FOR A DADDY...
Conversation hearts should say things like "call me back" or "Jake give us a chance you're totally slumming it with Colleen & you know it."
I bet a lot of people would make out with me if they just took the time to get to know me & closed their eyes.
Dumb girls deserve love too, but me first.
Wanna know what I REALLY want to be on Halloween? Married.
I really wanna marry a doctor or a lawyer or really just any man with two legs or even a leg or if he's breathing that'll do, that'll do.
Dear Diary WHY WON'T YOU ANSWER ME???
I wanna be one of those girls who you can't even tell is pregnant from behind. Especially when I'm not pregnant.
1st date: Puss in Boots 3D. 2nd date: Puss in Boots 3D. 3rd date: Anal.
I live in a hovel! And you live in a townhouse! I can't believe this girl!
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