What's the differance between pink & purple?

My grip.

I once had a goldfish that would hump the carpet. But only for about 30 seconds.

Personally I think putting tats on tits is like putting a bumper sticker on a Ferrari.

Sex with a deaf chick is amazing, not only does she moans like a Wookie, but she can't hear you laughing about it.

My dad used to cut the top & bottom off a Pepsi can so he could put it on his beer can & drive with it; he taught me how to be resourceful.

Wow I follow over 60 people with bonus features & I still can't even pull off a 10 star tweet... You do know the stars are free right?

When I was a kid we didn't have smart phones, we had to read hand soap bottles when we took our shits.

If life gives you high fructose corn syrup, citric acid phosphate, magnesium sulphate, yellow 5,& less than2%natural flavors, make lemonaide

Video games: the only time walking by naked will get a woman yelled at.

Safe word? Psshh take it like a big girl.

When I was a kid I'd search my parent's room 2 see what I was getting for Christmas, but I never did get that Vibration Pleasuremax 3000.

If Adam & Eve were the 1st ppl then their kids used incest to populate the earth. Therefor Alabama is the original Garden of Eden.

Asian couple r in bed & the man lets out a smelly fart & says, It must be the dog. The woman says don't blame him, he was cooked perfectly.

Does this rag smell like Chloroform to you?

I hate people who say
"I don't get Twitter"
Good go the fuck away we don't want you here.

Fuck favstar it lets cuntnuggets steal your tweets the unimaginative cum guzzling guttersluts.

Everyone here say's they don't give a fuck, well I do, always have, always will, I can't help it.

When I was a kid adults would ask why I never listened. Hmm maybe cuz "adults" say shit like don't sniff markers, then make sented markers.

It's gonna be an alcoholic couple of weeks.

How about if you don't follow me you don't tell me who to follow, ok thanks.