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TWITTER LATEST: Retweeting no longer possible.
Twitter is like a Charles Dickens novel - 140 characters, lots of silly names and it goes on forever.
Oh dear, things must be bad - Nigerians are receiving spam emails from Greek millionaires.
In honour of Charlie Chaplin's 122nd birthday, this tweet is silent, black and white and not particularly funny.
Oh lovely. An Oasis tribute band. #closingceremony
I wonder if the Russian Grannies fit inside each other? #eurovision
I stick sequins on carrots and broccoli to make them more attractive to our kids. #Vegazzle
I see Titanic is finally in 3D. Hopefully now they'll see the iceberg.
A good husband is like a good wine - smooth, full-bodied and best kept in the cellar. #HowToHaveAnAlmostPerfectMarriage
Retweet this if your mother is the best mother in the world! (or at least in the top couple of million . . )
Isn't that nice? A special night for homosexual cutlery! #GayForksNight
LATEST: Capello insists he didn't resign as England manager - he tripped and fell into a lifeboat.
Today's a cause for joy and mirth, the day of Dr Seuss's birth! But what a shame he didn't tweet, Such neat, sweet tweets would be a treat!
I don't know about you, dears, but I really think we've got a chance of winning this Eurovision Song Contest . . #closingceremony
PLEASE RETWEET - URGENT West Mids Ambulance Service need 4x4 drivers to get nurses & drugs to patients. Call 01926 310 310
NEW: The Vatican 'Exceptional Circumstance' condoms available now in 3 flavours - Guilt, Shame and Strawberry.
Dear world - Despite what you may believe, the vast majority of Britain's young people are honest, caring and wonderful!
Russell Brand called his book My Booky Wook - I hope he doesn't open a bank.
Edna Fry - Stephen's downtrodden wife & mother of his 5, 6 or 7 kids. My new book, How To Have An Almost Perfect Marriage is out now.