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Tip: talk to people who make you Google things.
Don't ever worry that you don't have a life. There are people who write hate mail to potato chip companies. You're probably doin' all right.
Barbie didn't give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can't reattach a head once it's been removed from the body.
I have this nightmare where people are quoting Mel Brooks movies, but my mouth is too full of sandwich to join in.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I'll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Can anyone tell me why so many chicken nuggets are shaped like baby socks?
Which body type are you? Pear? Apple? *gets real close, like right in your face* I'm a potato.
So basically, all our pets have Stockholm syndrome, right?
Bret Michaels doesn't look too far off from something Hugh Hefner would date.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he's waiting for you to open a gift he's convinced you'll absolutely love.
Movies gave me more unrealistic expectations of tree houses than they did of men.
How much for the dehydrated umbilical cord, my good man?
"That's black licorice..."
Gross, never mind.
If there were a "finger guns" emoji, I'd never have to text a word again.
*skates backward away using only the momentum of my finger guns*
I think Twitter is some chicks' alternative to writing dudes in prison, so... that's good.
Women want men they can fix; men want girls they can save; I want a sandwich that makes itself.
People who prefer unfrosted Pop-Tarts, explain yourselves.
You are the only person who thinks they were born in the wrong decade. This is unique. Bring it up often, ya rare fuckin' snowflake.
Sorry. Can't come in today. Shower felt too much like a hug.
Charmingly compact, yet radically crisp & refreshing.