Don't ever worry that you don't have a life. There are people who write hate mail to potato chip companies. You're probably doin' all right.

Can anyone tell me why so many chicken nuggets are shaped like baby socks?

So basically, all our pets have Stockholm syndrome, right?

Bret Michaels doesn't look too far off from something Hugh Hefner would date.

People who prefer unfrosted Pop-Tarts, explain yourselves.

I think Twitter is some chicks' alternative to writing dudes in prison, so... that's good.

If you have multiple tattoos *&* commitment issues, I hope you can find the humor & irony in your situation.

Some people seem to think having a tattoo of their kid's name is a Get Out of Raising Them Free card.

Go out tonight, guys. Eat unhealthy food, drink too much... Put a lamp shade on your head. Get a hooker. LIVE, DAMNIT.

I need new business attire. Mine seems to convey the ownership of twelve cats & no boyfriend.

People talk about inflation, but we're not focusing on the real problem here... Didn't Fruit by the Foot used to be like 6 inches longer?

Is there anything more sad than a self-given nickname?

If you're rich & don't own a warehouse specifically for recreating Mario Kart levels, can you really die knowing you did all you wanted to?

Escargot is pretty fancy for a dish that's 50% mobile home.

I'd like a show where people who abuse their dogs get cattle prodded by Cesar Millan for 30 min. straight.

If you could have dinner w/anyone, dead or alive, what would you order?

Being a bitch online is like taunting animals through plate glass.

50% of my life is spent trying not to disappoint anyone; the other half is being disappointed by many of those people.

I'd marry into a family solely for the fact that a member of it owned a Chick-Fil-A.

If you never used your headband to make believe you were Geordi La Forge, well, then you weren't me & may have had actual people friends.