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Don't ever worry that you don't have a life. There are people who write hate mail to potato chip companies. You're probably doin' all right.
I have this nightmare where people are quoting Mel Brooks movies, but my mouth is too full of sandwich to join in.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I'll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Can anyone tell me why so many chicken nuggets are shaped like baby socks?
So basically, all our pets have Stockholm syndrome, right?
Bret Michaels doesn't look too far off from something Hugh Hefner would date.
Which body type are you? Pear? Apple? *gets real close, like right in your face* I'm a potato.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he's waiting for you to open a gift he's convinced you'll absolutely love.
How much for the dehydrated umbilical cord, my good man?
"That's black licorice..."
Gross, never mind.
If there were a "finger guns" emoji, I'd never have to text a word again.
I think Twitter is some chicks' alternative to writing dudes in prison, so... that's good.
People who prefer unfrosted Pop-Tarts, explain yourselves.
If you have multiple tattoos *&* commitment issues, I hope you can find the humor & irony in your situation.
Sorry. Can't come in today. Shower felt too much like a hug.
Everything can be a drum if you're annoying enough.
Women want men they can fix; men want girls they can save; I want a sandwich that makes itself.
"Men are pigs" - misandrist &/or world's worst biologist
You are the only person who thinks they were born in the wrong decade. This is unique. Bring it up often, ya rare fuckin' snowflake.
Go out tonight, guys. Eat unhealthy food, drink too much... Put a lamp shade on your head. Get a hooker. LIVE, DAMNIT.
Some people seem to think having a tattoo of their kid's name is a Get Out of Raising Them Free card.