Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I'll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I have this nightmare where people are quoting Mel Brooks movies, but my mouth is too full of sandwich to join in.
Don't ever worry that you don't have a life. There are people who write hate mail to potato chip companies. You're probably doin' all right.
Can anyone tell me why so many chicken nuggets are shaped like baby socks?
So basically, all our pets have Stockholm syndrome, right?
Bret Michaels doesn't look too far off from something Hugh Hefner would date.
People who prefer unfrosted Pop-Tarts, explain yourselves.
If there were a "finger guns" emoji, I'd never have to text a word again.
I think Twitter is some chicks' alternative to writing dudes in prison, so... that's good.
If you have multiple tattoos *&* commitment issues, I hope you can find the humor & irony in your situation.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he's waiting for you to open a gift he's convinced you'll absolutely love.
"Men are pigs" - misandrist &/or world's worst biologist
Women want men they can fix; men want girls they can save; I want a sandwich that makes itself.
Go out tonight, guys. Eat unhealthy food, drink too much... Put a lamp shade on your head. Get a hooker. LIVE, DAMNIT.
Some people seem to think having a tattoo of their kid's name is a Get Out of Raising Them Free card.
Hey, pretend to punch me in the face. I wanna see if it upsets my dog.
Everything can be a drum if you're annoying enough.
I need new business attire. Mine seems to convey the ownership of twelve cats & no boyfriend.
"Throw me up against a wall & find out how soft I am." - Pasta erotica
People talk about inflation, but we're not focusing on the real problem here... Didn't Fruit by the Foot used to be like 6 inches longer?