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Tip: talk to people who make you Google things.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he's waiting for you to open a gift he's convinced you'll absolutely love.
Don't ever worry that you don't have a life. There are people who write hate mail to potato chip companies. You're probably doin' all right.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I have this nightmare where people are quoting Mel Brooks movies, but my mouth is too full of sandwich to join in.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I'll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, "you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND." Cause he needs to know I'm angry, yet progressive.
"Whoa, a lady eating a banana. Sexy. I enjoy having segments of my dick bitten off & chewed, so this is a huge turn-on for me."
Well, honey, sometimes "leading a guy on" is just "being vaguely polite so he doesn't axe-murder us on the way to our car."
I flip off your cat when you're out of the room.
Can anyone tell me why so many chicken nuggets are shaped like baby socks?
*has mood swing*: "I'm so bipolar!"
*cleans kitchen*: "I've got OCD!"
*trivializes mental disorders*: "Tee hee!"
Women want men they can fix; men want girls they can save; I want a sandwich that makes itself.
My bee allergy is very real; my fear that they will clobber me as a giant swarm fist is strictly cartoon-based.
How much for the dehydrated umbilical cord, my good man?
"That's black licorice..."
Gross, never mind.
Which body type are you? Pear? Apple? *gets real close, like right in your face* I'm a potato.
Sorry. Can't come in today. Shower felt too much like a hug.
So basically, all our pets have Stockholm syndrome, right?
"Honey, you didn't make typewriter noises eating corn on the cob at dinner. Everything OK?"
*pouts, flops facedown on bed* BOYS SUCK, MOM.
Charmingly compact, yet radically crisp & refreshing.
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