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Don't ever worry that you don't have a life. There are people who write hate mail to potato chip companies. You're probably doin' all right.
Can anyone tell me why so many chicken nuggets are shaped like baby socks?
So basically, all our pets have Stockholm syndrome, right?
Bret Michaels doesn't look too far off from something Hugh Hefner would date.
People who prefer unfrosted Pop-Tarts, explain yourselves.
I think Twitter is some chicks' alternative to writing dudes in prison, so... that's good.
I have this nightmare where people are quoting Mel Brooks movies, but my mouth is too full of sandwich to join in.
If you have multiple tattoos *&* commitment issues, I hope you can find the humor & irony in your situation.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he's waiting for you to open a gift he's convinced you'll absolutely love.
Women want men they can fix; men want girls they can save; I want a sandwich that makes itself.
Some people seem to think having a tattoo of their kid's name is a Get Out of Raising Them Free card.
Go out tonight, guys. Eat unhealthy food, drink too much... Put a lamp shade on your head. Get a hooker. LIVE, DAMNIT.
People talk about inflation, but we're not focusing on the real problem here... Didn't Fruit by the Foot used to be like 6 inches longer?
I need new business attire. Mine seems to convey the ownership of twelve cats & no boyfriend.
Is there anything more sad than a self-given nickname?
My heart is an open book. I'm a medical anomaly. Doctors have no idea how I've survived this long.
Everyone seems to be going blissfully about their day, as if they haven't seen the TMNT trailer.
Natural Mosquito Remedy:
- Fill kiddie pool w/blood (any type)
- Place at least 15 ft. from your guests
*forms chrysalis around hammock*
*emerges in autumn as a bescarved tights-wearing indie darling*
Top Three Bands That Are Also Birth Control:
Music/movie/sci-fi geek. Chaotic good. Human anachronism. World-class assassin.