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Barbie didn't give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can't reattach a head once it's been removed from the body.
Tip: talk to people who make you Google things.
Don't ever worry that you don't have a life. There are people who write hate mail to potato chip companies. You're probably doin' all right.
I have this nightmare where people are quoting Mel Brooks movies, but my mouth is too full of sandwich to join in.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I'll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, "you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND." Cause he needs to know I'm angry, yet progressive.
I flip off your cat when you're out of the room.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he's waiting for you to open a gift he's convinced you'll absolutely love.
Can anyone tell me why so many chicken nuggets are shaped like baby socks?
My bee allergy is very real; my fear that they will clobber me as a giant swarm fist is strictly cartoon-based.
Sorry. Can't come in today. Shower felt too much like a hug.
Which body type are you? Pear? Apple? *gets real close, like right in your face* I'm a potato.
So basically, all our pets have Stockholm syndrome, right?
I don't think I've ever had a panic attack... *looks up panic attack symptoms* OH. Ha Yeah. I've had, like, a hundred of those.
How much for the dehydrated umbilical cord, my good man?
"That's black licorice..."
Gross, never mind.
Women want men they can fix; men want girls they can save; I want a sandwich that makes itself.
Movies gave me more unrealistic expectations of tree houses than they did of men.
I'm the girl your mother warned you about. "She'll eat all our string cheese," she'd say.
Charmingly compact, yet radically crisp & refreshing.
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