You aren't any more screwed up than the rest of us. It's the ones that don't know they're nuts that should scare us!

Have you ever noticed that if you one-up a famous comedian in a Tweet reply, they never answer you back? They're funny that way.

I got a whole stack of deposit slips at the bank the other day. You know what they say about power of de-positive thinking

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign read: "Bread in captivity."

Who else embraces the dark side, with its allure of peace, no noise, and no fluorescent lights?

When anti matter and matter collide, they obliterate each other. I wonder if there is an "anti Twitter" and what would happen if they met?

Twitter is an excellent way to let anger go. Go where? Well, that is the question.

This box that says "compose new tweet" is the devil's playground? Or at least it's some plot to overthrow cable tv?

I used correct grammar on Twitter today. How scary is that?

I wish night owls would just admit that they're blood-sucking vampires after all, and quit draining the life blood out of Twitter.

@wtfuckfacts Stating the obvious here but, men who kiss their wives in the morning live longer because their wives don't kill them.

I stooped so low, that I made a joke about weather. Not "the weather," just "weather." Twitter does not have an atomospheric barometer.

Question asked and answered: When the East Coast signs off for the night, all the weirdos shut down. And we accuse CA of being odd?

As they say, you should leave the stage on a high note. That's not gonna happen, but I'm leaving Twitter now anyway.

Begging for Twitters followers should be banned. Oh, wait a minute. That's why I only have 3 followers, and I'm married to all of them.

I was really funny tonight, and what did that get me? More followers, great, just what I needed? No stars?

I guess I like to push the boundaries, just to see how big of an ass it takes to push the limits. Am I the only one with this obsession?

Last night the tv news reported Twitter is more addictive than cigarettes or alcohol. Geez, is NOTHING sacred anymore?

Is the object of Twitter to push buttons? Is that a literal or metaphorical question? If YES, press 1, if NO think 2

To Just Call Me Frank: just don't call me Shirley.