My Dad is terrified of the ends of sausages so we must cut them off before serving. Just thought I'd mention it.

I've caught the mouse in a humane trap. How long do I have to leave it in there to die?

The number of times I've been scared witless by my own hair today is ridiculous.

Trying to kill someone with a teaspoon is bloody exhausting. I imagine.

I danced wantonly. The sofa applauded.

On Facebook someone suggested starting a "prayer avalanche". What's that? First to fuck up an Our Father gets Gregorian chanted to death?

Is it Scooby-Do or Scooby-Doo? Life is just so bloody confusing.

SEND HELP! http://t.co/Hr5J55nQ

There once were giant prehistoric wombats with pouches big enough to carry humans. I'm overcome with loss.

I have just sold my entire collection of prime numbers. I'll miss 173 the most.

I lie about statistics.

Thank you for accompanying me to my parent's house. For what we are about to suffer we offer up to the Patron Saint Of Cul de Sac Lawns.

Found two false nails in the sea today. With the aid of some glue I'll be all sophisticated smoking tonight.

Popped to the shop for Tanqueray, tonic & a cucumber. The checkout man looked sad & followed me out; he's still hanging onto my car's bumper

Note to self: don't wear the heels; he'll hear you coming.

I shall wear my wig in a way that covers my modesty unless a young gardener passes our way

Whilst fishing from the window I've caught a KFC box! I will add a little glitter & feathers to make a treasured denture chest for Bridie.

I'd like to live in a world of whimsy.

Going to the park to listen to Janet Kay and stroke a lively llama. I will not attempt to steal a goat (again).

Quick! I can't decide what to wear to the off license. What would make me look sober?