MsVitch

@MsVitch

Valarie

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@MsVitch’s (Valarie) best tweets
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MsVitch
On twitter we divulge sexual escapades, make light of our alcoholism, joke about abusing our kids, but we freak out if we make a typo.
@MsVitch
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MsVitch
BACK IN REMISSION!!! Just got off the phone with the dr. Drinks on me tonight!
@MsVitch
MsVitch
just got free pizza because im AWESOME. well, i might have flashed a bit of boob, but no nipple. i'm a LADY.
@MsVitch
MsVitch
I wish my husband had an Australian accent so i could pretend he was Russell crowe.

i wish my husband was Russell Crowe.
@MsVitch
MsVitch
slept in my contacts last night. again. every time i blink i hear the sound of sandpaper rubbing against concrete.
@MsVitch
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MsVitch
this "marriage" thing is getting in the way of this "sleeping around" thing
@MsVitch
MsVitch
so i took that 50 bucks i found.
bought booze, porn, and some scratch offs.

WON 350 BUCKS!

how awesome is THAT
@MsVitch
MsVitch
the woman was amused with my nicknames for my children.

"Pita? Where did you get that name from?"

"Pain In The Ass"
(smile)
@MsVitch
MsVitch
i'm not sarcastic, i'm hilarious.

i'm not a bitch, i just don't like you.
@MsVitch
MsVitch
just spent hours and hours cleaning up my Facebook photos so that I can accept my mom's friend request. Facebook, you are dead to me. Dead!
@MsVitch
MsVitch
its a special feeling when you realize that youve been running around the gym with a nip slip... me+flu meds = free show
@MsVitch
MsVitch
nothing like waking up divinely exhausted and sore in all the right spots.
@MsVitch
MsVitch
Triplets decided they want to ninjas for Halloween.

Super. Now how am I supposed to tell them apart.
@MsVitch
MsVitch
ok, grocery list. beer, beer, beer, chips, dip, stop at subway on the way home.

I AM A DOMESTIC GODDESS! kiss it!
@MsVitch
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MsVitch
husband declared no more vampire books for me

after last nights love session.

apparently a coworker commented on a visible bite mark.
@MsVitch
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MsVitch
don't say "the top is down"

its ALWAYS "the titties are out"

i love convertibles (smile)
@MsVitch
MsVitch
3yo just made a fart joke.

I'm so proud.
@MsVitch
MsVitch
i'm dying a slow death. mosquitoes are draining my blood 0.25 an oz at a time.
@MsVitch
MsVitch
I figure you can bite one person without it becoming your "thing"
@MsVitch
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MsVitch
did some grocery shopping.

brownies, cookies, ice cream, soda, scarey movies...

take THAT responsible parents
@MsVitch