I'm on this diet where I can eat everything I want and still end up dying alone eaten by my pets.

Why did you follow me and star my tweets, if you didn't want me to come to your house and watch you sleep while I read my diary to you?

My goddaughter told me my hair looks stupid, so I told her Santa doesn't exist and that her daddy left them because she isn't pretty enough.

It was 'I'll put you in my trunk' at first sight.

Guys don't seem to find it hilarious, when on a 2nd date you destroy the dessert while uttering 'I know, there's a ring in here somewhere'.

I hate dating! It is so hard to find a guy that buys me flowers and is all romantic - and doesn't want to wear my skin as a sunday dress :'(

Homeless guy spat on my face and called me a slut.
First date with my Twitter crush could've gone better.

My Twitter Crush has a nicer basement than your Twitter Crush!

Back from date.
GUESS WHO'S WALKING FUNNY FOR A WEEK!
Oh, yes - me! BOOYA!

Fine, fucking tripped on a tree root.Date had to carry me home.

Every time my mom criticizes me I just smile, because as a kid I saw her having sex with my dad and I know I'm way better in bed.

Watching porn. Confused. Crying. Thinking about calling mom.

It's fun night at the strip club till you sober up enough to realize you're the one naked throwing money at your neighbour's bedroom window.

One of my dogs tried to make love to me today.
Pondering if I should change my Facebook status to
"It's Complicated".

When I tell my date he's going to walk funny for a week after I'm done with him, it means I'm probably going to cripple him emotionally.

I don't quite get why I'm single. I'm rather cute and sexy, smart, funny and dress up as a bunny on Mondays, Thursdays and Saturdays.

Men say I have yummy legs like an antelope, but I really would describe them more as 'fire hydranty' by the ways they attract dogs.

And I am up again.Sleeping patterns are all kinds of f'd up.Must be because of all the travelling I do between 'the edge' & 'my happy place'

Not to sound too single, but my dog just gently licked my face and hummed ”Love Me Tender” to my ear.

I'm so amazing in bed that all of my boyfriends pay me after I have had sex with them.
Also, might be in slight denial about my occupation.

Anyone else having problems w/ DMs? People try to DM me w/ "Love your tweets" but twitter auto-corrects them to "I want you in my basement"!