I want to be a hand model just so I can say that I'm here to audition for the hand job.

Sitting here thinking that I don't need a $ tree, maybe just a $ bush. Then I remembered I'm a girl & pretty much have 1 of those already.

Anyone who says "cray cray" instead of "crazy" is going to have to pry pry this crowbar out of their head head when I get done with them.

Just saw a smart car hit a curb. Pretty sure the car is totaled now.

Kids are life's way of giving you 18+ years to think about what you've done.

Started making lists to organize those I follow on here but stopped because I'm of German descent & it seemed wrong to divide you into lists

My tampons kept going missing. I later found them in twos with the strings tied together. My kid was trying to make nun chucks.

Guys, stop using the "I am not a machine" excuse because you can easily be replaced by one.

Made the mistake of tying a cherry stem with my tongue at the bar. Now I'm trying to find the emergency release on the inside of this trunk.

Guy in the car next to me is hardcore rocking out to "let's here it for the boy" I may have to follow him. You're all invited to our wedding

If you are a guy & I see you wearing a scarf strictly for fashion purposes I'm going to hit you in the face with a rock & jack your man card

I don't mean to brag, but I get to second base with myself a lot.

My 7 yr old is holding a toy gun to his grandpas head, pulling the trigger, & calling him a zombie. I may be the best parent ever.

How come when a dog lays on its back spread eagle everybody is all"awww"& rubs their belly,but when I tried to do it I ended up pregnant?

Sunshine on my shoulder makes me happy.....so does Prozac & penis, not on my shoulder though, well maybe. I'm always open to new things.

Is it wrong to sneak up behind a guy & cut off his pony tail? What are the chances of me being roundhouse kicked? Never mind. I'm going in!

Oh sure I'd love de-caf coffee. Why don't you bring me non-alcoholic beer while you're at it. Insert me making hand wanking motion here:____

I just pulled out another gray hair. I also pulled out my shotgun. These 2 things may or may not be related.

I just heard a girl say Ke$ha was the sound track of her life. Unrelated topic.... how do I get stupid bitch out of my car grill?

Found a pic of my dad in a wife beater & Tom Selleck's mustache. I no longer miss the 80s.