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  • Ms_MelissaT
      Melissa T @Ms_MelissaT

    I want to be a hand model just so I can say that I'm here to audition for the hand job.

    • 346
    • FAVS
    T_Shams23CrazyForMoxley__Marcmywords2ElKnuckelhombrerickkondell__mydmacMakesYouGiggleOchy_Zachary
    • 158
    • RETWEETS
    T_Shams23annefiniteComplexaBelbarba_gatoMarcmywords2rickkondell__Ochy_ZacharyElistaMalhou
    VividJamer
  • Ms_MelissaT
      Melissa T @Ms_MelissaT

    Sitting here thinking that I don't need a $ tree, maybe just a $ bush. Then I remembered I'm a girl & pretty much have 1 of those already.

    • 239
    • FAVS
    iGreenMonkLackOfShameT_Shams23sly_tendencies_dneese8023aGREEKdivaGarageGlamourBadaBinge
    • 91
    • RETWEETS
    laceypresLackOfShameaGREEKdivaGarageGlamourMarcmywords2rickkondell__clownholeUrbanHighlander
    My_Ego_Altered
  • Ms_MelissaT
      Melissa T @Ms_MelissaT

    Anyone who says "cray cray" instead of "crazy" is going to have to pry pry this crowbar out of their head head when I get done with them.

    • 169
    • FAVS
    T_Shams23ElKnuckelhombreshergullebleustreakfridaycandyrickkondell__StephenBCramer__life_sucker
    • 84
    • RETWEETS
    T_Shams23shergullefridaycandyrickkondell__SassyChantellebreathe_BurnclownholeGinger_Reverend
    urbusta
  • Ms_MelissaT
      Melissa T @Ms_MelissaT

    Just saw a smart car hit a curb. Pretty sure the car is totaled now.

    • 156
    • FAVS
    T_Shams23ElKnuckelhombreshergullebleustreakrickkondell__StephenBCramer__life_suckerA_SmartAss
    • 46
    • RETWEETS
    shergullerickkondell__clownholeGinger_Reverendchipsmellykevnastotoaddums__________ScreaminZeman____
    shahrouzt
  • Ms_MelissaT
      Melissa T @Ms_MelissaT

    Kids are life's way of giving you 18+ years to think about what you've done.

    • 134
    • FAVS
    T_Shams23ElKnuckelhombreAnitaHelmetbarbie_doll921JaniceLReadrickkondell__StephenBCramer__clownhole
    • 47
    • RETWEETS
    JaniceLReadrickkondell__clownholejonslowGinger_ReverendRegTheLlamaRE11310DreamyIdealist3
    VirtualOatmeal
  • Ms_MelissaT
      Melissa T @Ms_MelissaT

    My tampons kept going missing. I later found them in twos with the strings tied together. My kid was trying to make nun chucks.

    • 128
    • FAVS
    T_Shams23MoneypennyNakedbeavisitamissyyjohnson_B4TM4NCourtneySterbzBlackCheesePieMaranaShane
    • 29
    • RETWEETS
    T_Shams23_B4TM4NCourtneySterbzMaranaShaneBourbonMommyStackedDanielsurbanteabagElKnuckelhombre
  • Ms_MelissaT
      Melissa T @Ms_MelissaT

    Started making lists to organize those I follow on here but stopped because I'm of German descent & it seemed wrong to divide you into lists

    • 125
    • FAVS
    T_Shams23ElKnuckelhombrerickkondell__life_suckerTraceyGVclownholeHeMightBeJasonjonslow
    • 21
    • RETWEETS
    T_Shams23rickkondell__clownholeGinger_ReverendPsychographEdfavstar1000favsSuparbad__________mutuallyobvious__
  • Ms_MelissaT
      Melissa T @Ms_MelissaT

    Guys, stop using the "I am not a machine" excuse because you can easily be replaced by one.

    • 102
    • FAVS
    T_Shams23ElKnuckelhombreshergullerickkondell__StephenBCramer__life_suckerA_SmartAssclownhole
    • 26
    • RETWEETS
    rickkondell__clownholeMasterOfFurytoaddums__________ScreaminZeman____urekasgoldcgrady357Mayalicious_M
  • Ms_MelissaT
      Melissa T @Ms_MelissaT

    Made the mistake of tying a cherry stem with my tongue at the bar. Now I'm trying to find the emergency release on the inside of this trunk.

    • 94
    • FAVS
    T_Shams23ElKnuckelhombreshergullerickkondell__StephenBCramer__life_suckerclownholeHeMightBeJason
    • 28
    • RETWEETS
    rickkondell__A_SmartAssclownholeSmokedFringe______SchellTopsKidsTheZeDays__Tuna_LoverMEGraybush________
  • Ms_MelissaT
      Melissa T @Ms_MelissaT

    I don't mean to brag, but I get to second base with myself a lot.

    • 77
    • FAVS
    T_Shams23joeszalinskiThee1_4UTheWeedFatherSankshrestharickkondell__StephenBCramer__fly_away77
    • 29
    • RETWEETS
    T_Shams23rickkondell__fly_away77karalovell28clownholetiffindramaGinger_ReverendMissMary_92
  • Ms_MelissaT
      Melissa T @Ms_MelissaT

    Guy in the car next to me is hardcore rocking out to "let's here it for the boy" I may have to follow him. You're all invited to our wedding

    • 79
    • FAVS
    T_Shams23rickkondell__StephenBCramer__clownholeHeMightBeJasonjonslowLazerPunchRoothyM_
    • 24
    • RETWEETS
    rickkondell__clownholejonslowjadekittieganjaagoddessPakaloloFanAngry_Haitianmochanya
    LazerPunchGinger_Reverend
  • Ms_MelissaT
      Melissa T @Ms_MelissaT

    My 7 yr old is holding a toy gun to his grandpas head, pulling the trigger, & calling him a zombie. I may be the best parent ever.

    • 88
    • FAVS
    T_Shams23ElKnuckelhombremcarthurneil__JaniceLReadrickkondell__ndiquotesmutmidgetclownhole
    • 15
    • RETWEETS
    mcarthurneil__rickkondell__smutmidgetclownholeHaveYouMetJoeyMasterOfFuryFavstar500FavsTopcat_007
  • Ms_MelissaT
      Melissa T @Ms_MelissaT

    If you are a guy & I see you wearing a scarf strictly for fashion purposes I'm going to hit you in the face with a rock & jack your man card

    • 85
    • FAVS
    ElKnuckelhombreMrob82__mcgrendorickkondell__StephenBCramer__clownholeHeMightBeJasonjonslow
    • 16
    • RETWEETS
    rickkondell__clownholeMsDarkCrystal____Ginger_Reverendniceguy2bwth______kliftermonFavstar500FavsUnsatiatedVixen
  • Ms_MelissaT
      Melissa T @Ms_MelissaT

    How come when a dog lays on its back spread eagle everybody is all"awww"& rubs their belly,but when I tried to do it I ended up pregnant?

    • 74
    • FAVS
    T_Shams23ElKnuckelhombrejoeszalinskiCLForstnergeewhizz64__rickkondell__StephenBCramer__clownhole
    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    rickkondell__clownholeGinger_ReverendlickatofuScreaminZeman____Favstar500FavsSmokedFringe______niceguy2bwth______
  • Ms_MelissaT
      Melissa T @Ms_MelissaT

    I just heard a girl say Ke$ha was the sound track of her life. Unrelated topic.... how do I get stupid bitch out of my car grill?

    • 69
    • FAVS
    ElKnuckelhombreAnitaHelmettoyotaman1988kevindividual__shergullevw_turbogeewhizz64__rickkondell__
    • 16
    • RETWEETS
    shergullegeewhizz64__rickkondell__SassyChantelleclownholeGinger_ReverendFavstar_NSFWniceguy2bwth______
  • Ms_MelissaT
      Melissa T @Ms_MelissaT

    Is it wrong to sneak up behind a guy & cut off his pony tail? What are the chances of me being roundhouse kicked? Never mind. I'm going in!

    • 71
    • FAVS
    ElKnuckelhombrejoeszalinskivw_turborickkondell__StephenBCramer__clownholeHeMightBeJasonGinger_Reverend
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    rickkondell__clownholeGinger_Reverendsock_puppette____tweeterjakFavstar500Favswarhorse76izombiei
  • Ms_MelissaT
      Melissa T @Ms_MelissaT

    Sunshine on my shoulder makes me happy.....so does Prozac & penis, not on my shoulder though, well maybe. I'm always open to new things.

    • 68
    • FAVS
    ElKnuckelhombreAmateurMrAndMrsrickkondell__A_SmartAssclownholeHeMightBeJasonGinger_ReverendRegTheLlama
    • 15
    • RETWEETS
    rickkondell__clownholeFavstar_NSFWrbrxtnkatycuntfaceComebackhead______MJKluvrlalenguafuerte
  • Ms_MelissaT
      Melissa T @Ms_MelissaT

    Oh sure I'd love de-caf coffee. Why don't you bring me non-alcoholic beer while you're at it. Insert me making hand wanking motion here:____

    • 58
    • FAVS
    ElKnuckelhombrejoeszalinskiAnitaHelmetvw_turborickkondell__StephenBCramer__HeMightBeJasonGinger_Reverend
    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    rickkondell__Favstar_NSFWJustMugRhiannonNoelleStevemmamSpazmon1cLuckyLea1327MelMc
  • Ms_MelissaT
      Melissa T @Ms_MelissaT

    I just pulled out another gray hair. I also pulled out my shotgun. These 2 things may or may not be related.

    • 64
    • FAVS
    ElKnuckelhombretoyotaman1988AmateurMrAndMrsrickkondell__StephenBCramer__clownholeHeMightBeJasonGinger_Reverend
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    rickkondell__clownholeFavstar500FavsStevemmamSpazmon1cShimshammyLuckyLea13mutuallyobvious__
  • Ms_MelissaT
      Melissa T @Ms_MelissaT

    Found a pic of my dad in a wife beater & Tom Selleck's mustache. I no longer miss the 80s.

    • 59
    • FAVS
    ElKnuckelhombretoyotaman1988CityNutsackrickkondell__clownholeHeMightBeJasonGinger_ReverendThe_Dorkster______
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    toyotaman1988rickkondell__clownholeFavstar500Favsmutuallyobvious__Exodus_1831Stevemmammadmaxrerisen
@Ms_MelissaT

@Ms_MelissaT

Full-time mom & a full-time pain in the ass. I'm a lover & a fighter, because anything worth doing is worth doing all the way. I put the BS in BSN.

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