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I want to be a hand model just so I can say that I'm here to audition for the hand job.
Sitting here thinking that I don't need a $ tree, maybe just a $ bush. Then I remembered I'm a girl & pretty much have 1 of those already.
Anyone who says "cray cray" instead of "crazy" is going to have to pry pry this crowbar out of their head head when I get done with them.
Just saw a smart car hit a curb. Pretty sure the car is totaled now.
Kids are life's way of giving you 18+ years to think about what you've done.
My tampons kept going missing. I later found them in twos with the strings tied together. My kid was trying to make nun chucks.
Started making lists to organize those I follow on here but stopped because I'm of German descent & it seemed wrong to divide you into lists
Guys, stop using the "I am not a machine" excuse because you can easily be replaced by one.
Made the mistake of tying a cherry stem with my tongue at the bar. Now I'm trying to find the emergency release on the inside of this trunk.
I don't mean to brag, but I get to second base with myself a lot.
Guy in the car next to me is hardcore rocking out to "let's here it for the boy" I may have to follow him. You're all invited to our wedding
My 7 yr old is holding a toy gun to his grandpas head, pulling the trigger, & calling him a zombie. I may be the best parent ever.
If you are a guy & I see you wearing a scarf strictly for fashion purposes I'm going to hit you in the face with a rock & jack your man card
How come when a dog lays on its back spread eagle everybody is all"awww"& rubs their belly,but when I tried to do it I ended up pregnant?
I just heard a girl say Ke$ha was the sound track of her life. Unrelated topic.... how do I get stupid bitch out of my car grill?
Is it wrong to sneak up behind a guy & cut off his pony tail? What are the chances of me being roundhouse kicked? Never mind. I'm going in!
Sunshine on my shoulder makes me happy.....so does Prozac & penis, not on my shoulder though, well maybe. I'm always open to new things.
Oh sure I'd love de-caf coffee. Why don't you bring me non-alcoholic beer while you're at it. Insert me making hand wanking motion here:____
I just pulled out another gray hair. I also pulled out my shotgun. These 2 things may or may not be related.
Found a pic of my dad in a wife beater & Tom Selleck's mustache. I no longer miss the 80s.
Full-time mom & a full-time pain in the ass. I'm a lover & a fighter, because anything worth doing is worth doing all the way. I put the BS in BSN.