I'd rather cuddle then have sex.. If you're good at grammar, you'll get that.

"Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." - Me to my children.

Fuck you twitter! FUCK YOU.. just kiddin baby I'm sorry I yelled

Don't fall in love. Fall off a bridge, it hurts less.

Remember kids.. If a stranger offers you drugs, say "thank you" because drugs are expensive.

"Right" - Fred.

I'm skinny because I eat my feelings.

I want sex for breakfast

People on Facebook will never understand... Here on Twitter, we welcome you and your problems with open arms.

I only say "it happens to the best of us" because once it happened to me.

I don't care if you think I'm racist, I just want you to think I'm thin.

I follow every person who is retweeted and makes me laugh. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO DO! So don't let a retweet die in vain.

Hi. I'm Native American and I will scalp you if I catch you littering.. and then I will burn your village to the ground.

Everytime you tweet about boring shit an infant get its faced kicked in.

Do all these dildos make me look single?

"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn!?" - My toast.

You think I wanna have kids?? Absolutely not. That's why I stick to anal sex.

"Pics or it didn't happen!" - God, to Jesus after his torture.

I just found a stale chip in my bed and ate it.. this is a dark hour for me

Sext: Where'd you put the fucking remote you cock sucker