@MugOfGasoline's (Hey Bulldog) most faved Tweets...
5 words that almost always end badly. "I'm gonna win her back." Also, "This hooker seems pretty clean." Also, "Who needs to wear condoms?"
Think of me like a Nintendo cartridge. If I'm not doing what you want, try pulling me out and blowing me. Sometimes it takes 2 tries.
I did the dishes. Turns out my kitchen counter is white. Who knew? Maybe after laundry I'll know if I have carpets or hardwood floors.
Every time I fake a smile a little part of me dies. Is this what it's like when you fake an orgasm ladies?
Cat threw up a hairball in the kitchen, I chugged a beer and hurked in her litter box. Two can play at this game. #Touche
Wait...Wait...Explain to me again why I haven't fucked you, killed you, or told you to leave? Oh... Right, you're a lamp.
Told a girl that I wanted her to be my first wife. It was probably a mistake to mention that I was hoping her sister would be my second.
Either I'm not funny, or you all are stingy with your stars. I'm gonna go ahead and blame you. Just to be safe. #NeedyBitch
Gonna watch the rest of the Project Runway I have taped, see how the vagina I'm growing is coming along, and go to bed for a h-while.
Have to teach a lecture today. Odds of success: 1/2; Odds I hit a student: 1/20; Odds I hit on a student: Even
When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie, YOU ARE IN SPACE, AND HUGE, PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!
These eggs represent your brain. These eggs however, represent your brain on... HOLY SHIT! That egg just turned into a velociraptor!
Being a Boyscout, my motto is "Always be prepared." I used to think the motto was "Always be naked and scared." But that was just at camp.
I wish I could be pure comedy gold, but methinks I'm either too full of or not full enough of shit. #DamnYouQuestForStars
Sorostitute checklist: uggs-check, pajama pants to class-check, makeup from last night-check, hangover-check, greek letter shirt-check, yup.
Please note, Catholics do not like it when you ask them how their imaginary friend is after Sunday services.
Is it weird that the relationship sportscasters have with quarterbacks is akin to dating?"He's so awesome!""He has small hands!""Panic time"
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