My most sensitive body part when masturbating? My ears.

Any RL person, "you on twitter?"

Me, "what's twitter?"

Whenever I'm nervous about tweeting in front of all you people with thousands of followers, I just picture you all as eggs and I feel better

Who are these crazy bastards doing #FFs on a wednesday.

I say bring back the death penalty.

Monday, go fuck yourself.

The rest of you, morning :)

Right.

Dinner

Bed

Back to work.

Sure I can fit suicide in there somewhere!

Next time I see a tweet, "I need x more followers to reach y followers" they will need (x + 1) followers to reach y followers.

Surely its time to get Liam Neeson involved? #manhunt

@jennifergr8 Dear Pitbull, thank you for demonstrating that Kodak does in fact rhyme with Kodak, who knew? Kind regards, Mun..

Tip for avoiding car crashes, replace the nut holding the steering wheel.

The guy who's star sign was cancer died in ironic circumstances....he was devoured by a massive crab.

Sometimes I star tweets I don't understand just because lots of other people have.

Don't want people to think I didn't get it!

Patients. The most inappropriately named demographic.

Settle down, there's only one of me, and right now I'm writing a fucking tweet.

Twitter is like Insomnia's sidekick.

I came, she saw, I left.

I high five myself when someone with a massive follower discrepancy follows me back.

Tough times for a twitter newbie.

That nice moment when you find out someone's unfollowed you, you check their page, and they are a freak of nature so you don't mind so much!

Surely worth a retweet! @mo_farah @usainbolt



#PughSwag pic.twitter.com/bie1dm1r

Some people are in permanent possession of the wrong end of the stick.

Sometimes I dig for blood in vein. Other times I take blood successfully.