Kill him, he's different! -History

Jihad me at hello. -Al Qaeda member

Instead of saying "I'm vegan," why don't you just admit the truth and say, "I'm a fucking annoying person to go to dinner with." There. Easy

I am terrified by how aggressively my mom follows Dr. Oz's medical advice. I caught her crushing up and snorting Vitamin D yesterday.

I bet every single one of you is the funniest fucker of all your friends on FB. #ThatsWhyYoureOnTwitter

Hey, guys, relax. Casey Anthony was judged by a jury of her peers, who apparently all murdered their 2 yr olds & buried them in the backyard

I think I could really make it in this world as a rapper, if I weren't so white. And also, so gay.

"We're Pitching God's Tent." -Unfortunate Sign found outside the United Church of Christ

It's not stalking, if I think you're enjoying the attention.

If you fucks took your jobs half as seriously as you did Twitter, you'd probably be brain surgeons by now, or some shit like that.

If your rehab program is not staffed exclusively by individuals who used to suck dick for crack, then I'm going to question your methods.

Never swap "weird sex" stories with a gay man. You'll lose.

1. Let's get married! 2. Let's have a baby! -How People Slowly Die: A play in two acts

9 out 10 urologists agree, my penis is awesome. The last one's just a jealous fucker.

Guys, when you star my tweets I actually spontaneously cum in my pants. So, I just wanted to thank you for that. You know who you are... ;)

Are we absolutely certain Adrien Brody isn't Sarah Jessica Parker?

I love it when my iPhone says "this message has no content" for an email from my friends. My iPhone knows those bastards so well!

Hump my back.-A whale, probably

There's nothing more tragic than when u realize the person u're attracted to is really, really not smart. I mean, like, Keanu Reeves stupid.

I might not be a practicing attorney, but I love screaming "Don't fuck w/ me! I'm a lawyer!" The cabbie then takes me to Brooklyn