Dating in NYC is difficult...especially when you live in Portland.

I stopped hearing you when you took your pants off.

This week's browser history;
-Can you marry on Twitter?
-Freeze tequila?
-Discreetly watch porn @ work
-How to kill your boss?
-Cutting

"That's what." ~She

I love that part in 'The Bachelorette' when NO one fuckin' cares. We all die alone.

'Just remember: It's not a lie if you believe it.' ~George Costanza #seinfeld

I blot my penis tip after peeing & spray it with organic lemon peel b/c I'm always ready for a sour face BJ.

The cartoonist should of just created a Mcdonalds serving road runner patties instead of wile e coyote blowin' shit up. I'd still watch it.

I'm going to this Eyes Wide Shut party b/c I'm great at guessing passwords. Fuck brothels.

Where the FUCK can we buy the CHEESECAKE that MONICA & CHANDLER were eating off the floor!?!?!?

If I can hear ya whistling in another aisle of this target, I'll rig your wheels when you're not looking & joyfully listen to ya cry later.

'Oh, look. A shooting star & faded... dreams.' ~teenage moms

You know how a dog knows you’re in love with it? That 1st time it saw you ejaculate & u both had twinkly eyes & "AT LAST" started playing.

Staring into my reuben sandwich makes me miss her.

My psychic told me I will be fucking a ghost named Roxy in my nightmare. And she ignores safe words.

You can punch or slap my face anytime you want. Only if you say "sorry" immediately after in that snl Gilly voice.

Is it the drapes that matches the carpet on Daenerys? Or her thick ass black eyebrows that matches her bleached asshole? #gameofthrones

'I love fixing hair 353 that's out of place while I'm drilling her from behind. And I love fucking mirrors.' Patrick Bateman or Narcissists

'Mother do u think u'll like this e-card cause u live far away,
Mother do u think they'll try 2 break my balls 4 being a cheap fuck.' PFTW

YOLO is the new AIDS. Once you get the string you’re unable to get rid of it, but you can make a great dog trick. ~Dyslexia again (sorry)