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sexy singles in your area… 20 meters… 10 meters… 5 meters… oh god they’re in the ventilation ducts!
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Urkel is drafted and sent to war. He misses Laura badly. He shoots a man from a great distance. The moment hangs in time. Did I... do that?
the first sandwiches would be almost unrecognizable to us now, dark hateful things, a mastodon’s heart shoved between two unpopular children
just be yourself haha no gross stop
Call Pizza Hut and have it delivered to you at a Whole Foods and just stand there and eat it in front of God and everyone.
he died doing what he loved, being murdered
if you say "a couple" something instead of "a couple of" something I hope you're using all that extra time to learn karate b/c I'm coming
Before Twitter if you had a bunch of shitty ideas you just had to write a Ramones song.
the election should be decided by whoever can swing me the highest oh no barack not that high not that hahaha i’m gonna fall no i love you
To our horror we realized this whole time it was the Dougie that had been learning us.
“A text-based social network for functionally illiterate people with panic disorders? It’ll never work.” —first person fired from Twitter
In 1st grade, I said "a couple of secs" & this kid thought I said "sex" & I got in trouble & that's when I decided to devote my life to evil
guy in front of me at target is buying ten liters of coke zero and camo swim trunks. blood will be spilled this night
"sociopath, sociopath, narcissist, possible human-sized mantis in a trench coat, sociopath..." –me, silently to myself, at parties
we thought if we remembered the 90s, we could stop them from happening again. we were wrong
& once again the neanderthals at this faculty meeting have failed to make even the most cursory mention of dre
Minestrone recipe: 1) Get a big pot. 2) Put a bunch of shit in it. 3) Is it minestrone yet? 4) Did you forget step 2?
9:15am-12:30pm growing my personal brand
a cool way to break up with someone is to yell "FREEZE TAG," touch them on the arm, and then never come back