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Crazies don't know they're crazy.
I never knew.
For years, when he fell asleep on the couch, I'd wake him and tell him to come to bed.
Now, I tip toe out of the living room.
Yesterday, I baked muffins from scratch.
Today, I got high and fucked up Jello.
If you follow someone & enjoy many of their tweets, why would you unfollow them for that one tweet which offends you? Get over it. Move on.
I can't open windows in my house because my children behave like imbeciles.
Also, because I scream like a lunatic.
Laughter is what keeps my marriage together.
And I swallow.
It's not about how many followers you have.
It's about who your followers are.
Stars aren't validation.
The most important thing Twitter has taught me, is that sooo many of you, are sooo way more fucked in the head than I ever dreamed I was.
Twitter makes it impossible to watch a movie, or read a book, or live...
Fuck everyone who can put something down somewhere and find it in the same place 15 minutes later.
How much I accomplish on any given day, is directly related to whether or not I put on a bra.
You know those people who just suck the life right outta you?
You gotta cut those fuckers loose!
It's not you. It's me.
Actually, that's not true.
It's someone else.
Me: Where's my wine glass?
Hubby: If it's in the bathroom, you're an alcoholic.
It was in the bathroom.
Stop feeling so sorry for yourself, it's annoying.
But don't be too chipper 'cause that's annoying too.
Just go sit quietly over there.
Daughter: Mommy, I think girls are better at cleaning than boys.
Me: Never, ever, say that again. Ever!
I am QUEEN of the 1 star tweet!
I missed all day of Twitter, but I had great day of real life! Sorry, it won't happen again.
Sense of humor. If you don't have one, go have the stick removed! I'm not that dark. Illiterate fucks need not apply. I'm married & I have a potty mouth.