If you're gonna tweet about your day,and not be funny,hit me up on Facebook and I won't give a fuck on there either.

I wish I cared about anything as much as old people care about keeping the bird feeder full.

Having 300 Beanie Babies doesn't make me a hoarder, it does make me a guy who got fucked over in the divorce.

Sometimes I shit my pants to prove to myself I can do whatever I want because I'm single,and that sums up the reason why I am.

You're not fooling anyone, community colleges with ivy growing on your buildings.

If make-up sex is when you put a bunch of make-up on and furiously masturbate to clown porn, then yeah, I occasionally have it.

Thinking about suing the porn industry to pay for my Carpal Tunnel surgery.

I must hold some kinda record lately for dryer sheets dropping out of my pant legs in public.

Just heard an 8 year old refer to his food as a "weiner rocket",and apparently I'm the only adult that's gonna laugh.Awkward.

I think there are no black guys in NASCAR because the seats won't recline and there's no room for a gangsta lean.

Saw a Prius with Transformers decals,but I wasn't fooled.I'm sure that if it turned into a big robot it would be a gay one anyway.

When I RT someone,it's more like "Aw fuck! Why didn't I think of that!",and a lot of crying over my failures and shit.

Garage sales: Helping old people feel like real entrepreneurs for once in their life,while unloading their shit to fellow hoarders.

When I'm the 267th star on your best tweet, I'm like the asshole football player who jumps on the pile after the tackle's been made.

Why do people still say "She's a bleached blonde"? I prefer "She's got whore hair".

If you star your own tweets,you are dead to me.If I star mine,I will apologize profusely because it was an accident.

I'm only 97.221% sure, but I think swinging your cock around like a helicopter while singing showtunes isn't as popular as it should be.

Judging by breath alone I'd say my boss is right in the middle of a human centipede every night.

My grandma said she has a stinky bush.She doesn't know why her plant is so funny to me.At least her mind's in a better place than mine.

Whenever I hear the opening to Jump from VanHalen I get a 6 second urge to do gay jumpkicks and spins,then it passes.