I wish MLK had had a second dream, so I can have another day off.

I follow not because I'm hoping you'll follow back, but because you're actually funny & not a douchebag.

So people follow then unfollow after a few days to build their followers list. Stop being assholes & tweet something clever. We'll follow.

What do guys mean when they say, "tap that?" For the record, "sledgehammer that" or "pummel that" is more likely to get you some.

"That's fucked up" is one of the best compliments I could ever receive.

Thanks to Twiends, I can be all "fuck this," "fuck that" & "fuck it" before I go to Facebook & get all "luv your cute cat." Balance.

I may not always be funny, but I'm always a fan of nakedness. And vodka.

Sometimes, I'm horny. Other times, I'm horny. I'm fickle that way.

Vodka goes with everything, especially me.

I've tried unsuccessfully to tweet cleverly this evening. So I'll just drink, RT, and be ladylike the rest of the night.

(Pull my finger)

To my girl-followers: Based on your avi, you are HOT but more importantly, based on your tweets, you are SMART. Work it, baby!

My spinster great aunt called me a drunken slut over Christmas brunch. I air-kissed her and roofied her prune juice. Hilarious.

Editor says that I need to use commas correctly via the Chicago Manual of Style. I think she needs more sex via the manual of doggy style.

This peanut M&M tastes like the bottom of my purse.

Seriously?? I need to be shitfaced in order to tweet?? No. But it fucking helps.

To the three Prius owners who cut me off in traffic today because I happen have vagina: At least I don't drive one.

WTF. I don't want to read or hear your political crap no matter what side of the aisle you're on. I'm here to party, not be in a party.

If I get jailed for RT/star-fucking the hell out of everyone tonight, it was worth it. I'll laugh & laugh as the bailiff carts me away...

Ready for my big presentation tomorrow. I also remembered to pick up my cape from the dry cleaners because credibility counts.

Too bad the 1950s were so racist & misogynistic. Seems like fun to have booze, skirt-chasers & big-boobs strewn about the office.