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My toddler just told me
"I don't have to wash my hair because it doesn't have food in it or throw up"
2yo calls his new snow coat his " strap on".
I have no idea why but I'm not correcting him until he has a chance to thank gramma for it
Wait a minute
Is the past tense of tweet
Talk of grilled meat on twitter and everyone gets a boner
Talk of grilled meat on FBook & get 3 links to "why charred meat is a carcinogen"
For opening my eyes
And, apparently every other orifice available to complete strangers
I don't have time to subtweet you
I'm too busy google-mapping Your HOUSE
Why does whoop-ass only come in cans? I could use a whole barrel of that shit right about now
My cousin unfollowed me. She thinks my RTs are vile.
I need to get off twitter and get back to my RL routine
All my SIMS are waving their arms over their heads & missing their carpools
I'm new on twitter. What the fuck is all This Canadian shit about?
I think Favstar should have special trophies for the
"you made me Throw up in my mouth but i still retweeted it"
I don't always masturbate
But when I do it's pretty much every day
I wish I was 2 so that, in the middle of conversation I could simply announce "I'm pooping", start grunting & be relinquished of all duties
Please don't apologize to me for
Who you are.
I've already accepted and loved unconditionally that person
Me: are you hungry?
Me: you sure? How bout pear
Me: how bout apple
Me: how bout banana
2yo: how bout NO?
Playing hide & seek is the best when you say "ready or not here I coooome!" & your hear a tiny voice reply "okaaaaaay" from Behind the couch
This is funny (not)
I have a tit avi so my husband won't know it's me on here
Does this seem right to you people?
ladies and gentlemen-
Just for the record ....
I'm not participating in this *no shave November* movement.
*waits for DMs*
I'm eating mac n cheese for breakfast
Because daylight savings time.
Im SickSick! Nyquil at 10am kinda sick.
Shit. No nyquil.
I'm Sicksick! Darvocet and whiskey at 10am kinda sick...
Years into a lonely marriage void of intimacy, I accept my husbands half-hearted offer to seek pleasure elsewhere. This is my captain's log. I was @MyPofDiaries