My toddler just told me
"I don't have to wash my hair because it doesn't have food in it or throw up"

Fair enough.

2yo calls his new snow coat his " strap on".

I have no idea why but I'm not correcting him until he has a chance to thank gramma for it

Wait a minute

Is the past tense of tweet

Tweeted or
Twat

Talk of grilled meat on twitter and everyone gets a boner

Talk of grilled meat on FBook & get 3 links to "why charred meat is a carcinogen"

Thanks, twitter
For opening my eyes

And, apparently every other orifice available to complete strangers

I don't have time to subtweet you

I'm too busy google-mapping Your HOUSE

Why does whoop-ass only come in cans? I could use a whole barrel of that shit right about now

My cousin unfollowed me. She thinks my RTs are vile.

I need to get off twitter and get back to my RL routine

All my SIMS are waving their arms over their heads & missing their carpools

I'm new on twitter. What the fuck is all This Canadian shit about?

I think Favstar should have special trophies for the

"you made me Throw up in my mouth but i still retweeted it"

Tweets

I don't always masturbate


But when I do it's pretty much every day

I wish I was 2 so that, in the middle of conversation I could simply announce "I'm pooping", start grunting & be relinquished of all duties

Please don't apologize to me for
Who you are.
I've already accepted and loved unconditionally that person

PLEASE EAT
Me: are you hungry?
2yo: no
Me: you sure? How bout pear
2yo: no
Me: how bout apple
2yo: no
Me: how bout banana

2yo: how bout NO?

Playing hide & seek is the best when you say "ready or not here I coooome!" & your hear a tiny voice reply "okaaaaaay" from Behind the couch

This is funny (not)

I have a tit avi so my husband won't know it's me on here



Does this seem right to you people?

ladies and gentlemen-
Just for the record ....

I'm not participating in this *no shave November* movement.

*pours wine*
*waits for DMs*

I'm eating mac n cheese for breakfast

Because daylight savings time.

Im SickSick! Nyquil at 10am kinda sick.
Shit. No nyquil.


Regroup


I'm Sicksick! Darvocet and whiskey at 10am kinda sick...