1. that's not a pregnancy test, and 2. you're pissing on my flash drive

Want to mess with someone's mind? Unfollow them on twitter, follow them
on tumblr, poke them on facebook, and send a human hand in the mail.

The only thing worse than the situation in Japan would be The Situation in Japan.

breaking news: after 7 years, social networking site linkedin.com reports a member has received a job offer from another member.

I don't mind if you call me a narcissist. At least we're talking about me.

The great thing about Twitter is that, in the past, I'd have no idea what I said 17 minutes ago.

You guys make me forever grateful that Twitter and Facebook did not exist for my Mom and Dad when I was a kid.

There's a good possibility you lost your mind years ago and right now you're actually just playing with your sister's Lite Bright.

Please remember to surround yourself with people sympathetic to your particular conspiratorial belief system. Everyone else is a nutjob.

If Jerry Seinfeld gets alzheimer's we may never pick up on it. He'll say "Who are these people?" and we'll all just laugh.

I can give you multiple sarcasms.

if you *ever* think you might be original, try your hand at domain name registration.

I'm very busy revising my list of things I'll do for five dollars.

At some point you just have to start blaming your followers.

Tweet like no one is reading (they aren't).

On Judgement Day, Jesus will be reviewing your last three tweets.

I don't know what it is. One minute you said I was funny and the next thing I knew I had more respect for you.

Please remember we're all just here to provide free content so others can sell goods and services. Keep it upbeat.

I'm not homeless, but my hair does not know this.

What if you met God and he had a lazy eye?