"Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter every night"

"Men, if you ever want to imagine what goes on in a woman's mind, imagine a browser with 2,981 tabs opened. All. The. Fucking. Time"

masturbation IS the best way to start the morning... followed by cocoa puffs and a blunt (the breakfast of champions)

Oh you jumped on the bus to go two blocks? Your cankles must be so tired

I have a budding zit on my forehead OR I'm a unicorn and I'm finally getting my horn!

Too bad you can't puff puff pass on twitter

There's no turn on better than your undivided attention

This being an independent woman shit can get exhausting at times

For the ladies who spend more on their hair than their kids, I hope you go bald at 30

Sometimes I star just to say "I totally get it"

I wonder how many girls are getting pregnant cuz of this teachers strike?

I'm high. I'm late. Feeling great

Self Destruction is my superpower

Dominatrix in life. Submissive in bed

Sometimes it just feels like you're holding on by a thread

Gotta tweet it. Gotta tweet it. Gotta tweet it. Gotta tweet it. Gotta tweet it. *grabbing phone. Opening twitter* fuck I lost it

How many licks does it take .... Oh fuck it

I figure since Earth Day is on Sunday, I'll smoke one for that day too

My dad just had two tequila shots and one vodka shot for my birthday... fuck birthday cake lol

If your circumference equals a steel drum... don't wear skinny jeans and tight shirts