She called my Playstation 3 an xbox, she is not worthy to carry my offspring.

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me for the 20th time, you probably have nice tits.

We were trying for a twitter baby but my follower count wasn't high enough.

If you have sex with a girl that's hot AND funny, that's considered a threesome in my book.

I get sick of all the racism towards me, everyone thinks because I'm Mexican I speak Spanish. We aren't like the Asians who all know karate.

I wish I had a girlfriend to spoil with gifts like vacuums, new dish rags and maybe an iron.

I've married for looks, love and money.
Now I'm just looking for a girl who will make motorcycle noises when I hit it from behind.

I'm eating a bottle of glitter so when I get drunk and throw up tonight people will think I'm a unicorn in human form.

Is there anything better than getting the bathroom stall with the best cell signal?
Wait your turn wheelchair man, I'm tweeting.

A cunt, a cunt and a cunt walk into a bar.
I leave because they are my ex-wives.

I need to start hiding panties in my buddies work trucks so their wives will divorce them and I will have someone to play Call of duty with.

I picked up a new korean cookbook today, 101 ways to wok your dog.

Twitter is all fun and games till she really shows up on your doorstep with her cat in one hand and a bacon sandwich in the other.

I hate it when your twitter stalker doesn't star you for a few days. You have to find and break into her house to make sure she is fine.

I'm never drinking agai.......yeah I'll take a beer.

When you pull your dick out and it sounds like you are uncorking a brand new bottle of patron, marry her.

It's not a goatee, it's an inner thigh exfoliater.

Why the fuck is there only 1 day to remember and thank the veterans?
What about the other 364 days they are defending us?

How many times as a kid did you kiss your mom goodnight right after she gave your dad a blow job.

I want to fuck you like an animal!
They don't talk to each other during and don't cuddle after.