If you ever ask me,"Is it to early to get a drink?", we cant be friends!

Just got crop dusted by the guy in front of me at Walmart. My night is complete!

Twitter: me me me me look at me me me me me I'm beautiful and you know it me me me me me me Don't you dare fucking talk to me you asshole.

It's not kidnapping if it's romantic

The only time I go into a McDonald's is to take a McCrap.

the speed limit is probably the safest of all the limits i exceed

My girlfriend looks super hot without glasses. That's why I stopped Wearing them

You cant control who walks into your life, but you sure as hell can choose which door to throw them out of

If the truth hurts, you haven't been exposed to enough of it.

Seriously! How long have you lived here in the USA and you still can't fucking speak Spanish!?

Every hand you've ever shaken has been used to jerk off

If I could shoot spiderwebs out of my hands, I'd probably waste them all shooting them at peoples' mouths to make them shut the fuck up.

Easy Bake Ovens: Teaching little girls their role since 1963.

Drop everything people. Someone on the internet is offended.

If I make you food & you think it's heavy on the garlic, you'll probably think my drink's heavy on the whiskey & my body's heavy on the sex

Twitter: Because nobody in the real world cares what you have to say, but there will always be an internet weirdo who does!

I'm not favstar materal yet, but with your help, hard work and dedication, one day I'll hold that trophy up and say, "Yo twitter, I did it"

Anybody got any scissors I can borrow to open this new package of scissors I had to go buy cuz I couldnt find any goddamn scissors??

Rules for a successful life. 1) Don't be a dick.

Oh if I had a penis. The things I'd get it stuck in would be countless.