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Drop it like I did this pizza I just grabbed out of the oven bare handed because I'm drunk and it's hot.
Personally, my biggest problem with farts is that they don't smell like a skunk.
When RL people come up and start talking to me, I will pluck a nose hair, sneeze and say "sorry I'm allergic to bullshit" then walk away
One of the biggest disappointments I had in life was never moving to Canada to learn how to speak Jamaican
"Remember, mummies were once people with families, please respect them"
I guess losing all the weight didn't matter to the cops. Trying on the whip cream bikini at Baskin and Robbins got me arrested again.
Making fart noises on her neck.
Don't tell me I'm not a romantic!
She told me that I needed to be a douche bag every once in awhile, so I brought her a Pepsi instead of a coke!
Relationship status: No longer masturbating....alone
I understand you are probably the coolest kid on the block with your hoodie but it's FUCKING 90 degrees out here!
Forgot my phone when I went into the bathroom so if there are any questions or concerns with caress bodywash call 1800-588-5008
Any rat tail grown over 8" requires a lot of dedication, so you know this 11yr old is going to grow up and become something special.
Kiss me like you do when you are drunk.
Anyone know how to link my pornterest account to my facebook?
I push every floor button in the elevator BEFORE getting off!
Pro tip: Security guards will not question what's in a kids sippy cup at sporting events.
I'm Mexican but not "drink a lime-a-rita" Mexican
Hey fellas, she's single! "I don't want to stretch my vagina out for something that's going to suck the life out of me forever"
Nickelback came on her playlist and I opened the door and pushed her out on the freeway
We still hate them, right? RIGHT?
This is fucked up shit I am thinking on a daily basis but cant say it in real life. ♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡