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When I see a women who had plastic surgery, I think there goes another lady who hates being 50.
There are 3 different ways to park a car in a busy Mall parking lot, the proper way, the woman's way and the douchebag way
If I pass you my phone to see a Photo, you best keep your 'Curious Scrolling Finger" in your pocket or I'll cut it off.
Windex® has many, many uses, including rendering a coworker blind for 10 minutes, apparently.
I've decided the "n" in men is silent and I'm pronouncing it "meh" from now on.
I'm pretty sure my boss just caught me stroking my Swingline stapler and calling it 'my precious.'
im hungry but i already brushed my teeth. this is my suicide note.
*Whispers into phone* Siri, do you remember her name?
Most of my day is spent pushing buttons to validate people I've never met.
Women are very good at making you fall in love with them before they reveal how crazy they really are.
Nothing can make an educated person appear seemingly stupid by pronouncing the word "ex-specially".
A marching band, except just bringing you beer.
Not going to mention the ankle thing to mom since she'll probably diagnose it as MURDERABETES
*sets sleep ambience machine to 'neighbor repeatedly tries to start car that's already running'*
If your Hangover has 3 parts, perhaps you should rethink your drinking strategy.
Sarah Jessica Parker drastically misses her mouth while eating a Cornetto and turns herself into a Unicorn.
Auto correct just tried to write "fathomless" as "fat homeless". I've got my eye on you, trouble maker.
I'm glad we're friends. Because I'd hate to have to be in a position where I had to cook you and eat you out of pure misplaced anger.
"Did your dad hug you at least once a year, or do you want one of the loud ones?" -motorcycle salesmen
Hitting back with Carp. That's a fish and i do mean crap.