My dad starts every sentence with "Those sons a bitches...."

My son asked me the difference between a synonym and a homonym....I panicked and played dead.

My son held the door for me "See mom I have good grammars"...I'm glad we taught him to be so illiterate of others.

I just ran into my favorite MILP... (mother I'd like to punch)

If you don't star the tweet you can't have any pudding. How can you have any pudding if you don't star the tweet!

On the road to recovery....in other words driving to the liquor store.

I spend more time catching up on tweets then I actually spend tweeting

My husband has way to much energy in the morning..and the talking, always with the talking

Kick a guy who calls women bitches in the balls...Guys who call women bitches love that!

I support the right to arm bears

I like flushing the toilet when my husband is in the shower......it's the little things that make me happy

You miss your own hands when you clap don't you?

My life advice to kids: In the end Blossom grew up to be Sheldon Cooper's girlfriend, that's all you need to know.

I'm going to shake my phone until you all get dizzy and fall down...ready?

My husband's Native American name is ~Washes Dishes Once A Year Then Acts Like He All That~ ...its a long name

I love when I test my tweets on my husband, he always says...."Well it's not not funny"

The more you say *our shelter dog* and *our adopted baby from China* the more I think you didn't do any of this for the right reasons.

To the tweet explainer, thank you. I had no idea what I was REALLY saying....seeing as I just pound keys and hope they form words

Why do rhetorical questions confuse me?

A vegetarian unfollowed 4 meat tweet.Hey I don't complain about ur pasty skin & sawdust tacos so kiss my Corn fed,Grade A,USDA approved ass!