Men should take some time out from the ball scratching and master the art of taking a fucking hint.

I shave clean so men have no excuse for beating around the bush.

I really should pay more attention whilst going 120 on the highway...I almost spelt "13 car pile-up" wrong. #tisktisk

I'd flash my boobs more if they were bigger. Blame Jesus boys. I do.

Freezing your tits off while your ass burns in the bath beneath you is just more evidence of the SUCKERY that is Winter.

Hipster is the new emo and they can all fuck off.

Getting wine tipsy is fucking pointless without cute boys to inappropriately throw myself at. Pointless.

I really wish my asshole loved chilli as much as my facehole.

This pimple on my forehead might as well be holding up a "Don't fuck her" sign.

Coffee keeps me out of jail.

I'm definitely going straight to hell. That or I'm going to have an illegitimate ginger brat. Samezies.

I'm going to smoke this whole bag of weed and then play with myself until I go blind.

I'm a 2 finger girl... 4 fingers is just too much Kit-Kat for me.

One day I'm going to be arrested for stabbing a "Woo!" girl in the throat. It'll be worth it though. Fucking silly bitches.

Evolution of the boob: Touch screen cleaning device.

I'm about to throw myself down a flight of stairs to avoid a meeting. The smashed face will be quicker & substantially less painful.

Any of you see a stray life run through here?

Fuck tattoos. Hard core bitches rock inner thigh bruises.

A tall girl wearing hooker high heels sitting on a very low toilet kinda resembles a spider hanging on for dear life in a drain hole.

Hey you! Yes...you. Your phone's in your hand. Stop walking around talking with your hands-free trying to look all important. Yuppy cunt...