If I had balls I would teabag my husband's drinks every time he left the room

My sunburnt face is peeling off - I feel like the villian at the end of every Scooby Doo cartoon

*sigh* sorry - I can see your lips moving but I forgot to pretend to listen. Can you start again so I can at least nod in the right places?

Dear hangover this hamburger's gonna make you my bitch

I've been practicing my apology - "I'm sorry now eat shit and die" what do you think? too touchy feely?

A dyslexic robber walks into a bank and yells "Air in the hands mother stickers this is a fuck up!"

The assholes have ceased their attack. Maybe the baseball bat I bought into work today gave them the hint not to fuck with me #whatididtoday

Pineapple juice works #3wordsaftersex

Listening to the neighbours argue I feel better, there's another dysfunctional family in the street.

Time to un-follow some celebrities....the non-replying, self indulged, bullshit filled, epic waste of space in my timeline kind...here goes!

11 celebs un-followed...aaah I feel cleansed!

WWMVD - what would my vagina do

The dog & I are fighting. She still hasn't worked out I'm the biggest bitch in this house...

WOOHOO! I've reached 100 followers! so excited a little bit of wee just came out.

Hi guys, just popped in to say how awesome you all are ok now fuck off

G'Day to all my new followers! Here's hoping it takes longer than a week before you realise I'm full of shit and leave.....

I wish I was rich and I wish my boobs were bigger. That is all.

OK Tuesday It's just you and me don't fuck things up

fuck you Glenda! these heels don't do shit!

The Prime Minister of Australia is following me......bahahahahahahahahahahahaha!