My shoe phone's ringing.

It's a beautiful day. I'm drinking to life and all of it's amazing fuckups. Cheers legends!

Eating wasabi always makes me feel like a fire breathing dragon RAAAAHHH

Good morning legends... well good as it's gonna get anyway xx

Running late for work, sick child, no coffee, don't fucking mess with me!!

Love is having someone who'll get up to the baby when your hangover's so big you can't comprehend living.

If it gives you goose bumps it's good. Whatever it is.

Fuck you cunt face

Based on the tantrum Charlotte threw while getting dressed today she's lucky I didn't send her to kindy in the nude.

I just got a whiff of my breath and nearly passed out.

Can the person with the voodoo doll please stop jabbing the pin in my bum..

Shaved my pubes - lost 2 kilos.

Hubby just asked if I knew that when ordering a meal at McDonalds you could swap your fries for a fruit bag....I want a divorce.

My spell check must be set at "christian" after all of this time it still thinks Cunt is Cut and Fuck is Duck.

Reinforcements on the way - more beer + bags of clothes. I love my friends.

Had to type my password 3 times - my fingers are slurring.

Drunk me standards: If you pretend to listen to me & tell me how pretty I am we can be friends for life.

I exercised today + no drugs or alcohol. Help. My life seems to be falling apart.

The day going great. I was coasting along feeling good about life then I STEPPED IN SOMEONES CHEWING GUM. EEEEEWWWW!

Watching my 1 year old throw a tantrum I totally get it. I STILL throw myself on the ground kicking & screaming when I don't get my way.