When I told my mom I wanted to marry my twitter boyfriend she said I should seek professional help. So I've hired a wedding planner.

"I'll sleep when I'm dead." - Person who doesn't understand the concept of death.

Every now & then I'll buy a pregnancy test just so my pharmacist thinks I'm still getting some.

Thanks to twitter I've found people who actually appreciate my sarcastic comments. In your face, MOM!!!

I'd like to go out with someone who's active, popular & has a positive outlook on life because opposites attract.

My twitter boyfriend's nickname for me is butterface. I don't know what it means but it sounds adorable.

Twitter boyfriend drinking game: every time he says I love you I take a shot. It's been 4 months & I'm still stone cold sober :(

Make a sex tape? I can't even stand the sound of my own voice when I hear it played back to me.

You know what? I get the blankets all to myself because I sleep alone. HAHA! In your face people in loving relationships!!!

"I'm so over the rainbow." - Hipster Dorothy

My boyfriend asked me to stop going clubbing because we're in a serious relationship and also something about it being cruel to kill seals.

When I was a kid we didn't have Twilight, we had The Lost Boys & it was fucking awesome!

If love is a drug I should be getting a lot more credit for staying clean for so long.

I like my women like I like my coffee. I don't like coffee! I'd rather have tea if there's any. What I'm trying to say is I'm not a lesbian.

"I'm so over u." - Umlaut

How many tramp stamps do I need to collect before I can redeem them and get my very own tramp?

"I've got 99 problems but I can't remember a single one." - Hay Z

My boyfriend got really excited when I brought handcuffs into the bedroom but after 3 weeks shackled to the bedpost the novelty has faded.

You say 'stalking', I say 'please don't call the police and stop resisting our love!'

My mom says my relationship with my twitter boyfriend is a deluded fantasy & I need to wake up! I love how we joke.