Me: Did it hurt?

Her: Did what hurt?

Me: When you fell out of the whore tree and banged every guy on your way down.

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out "Marry me?" on pizzas all the time, just to make things awkward for couples.

I am out of vodka, so I ate a potato and threw myself down the stairs.

NEW bumper stickers: "Florida, where you can kill your child and get away with it. Just don't lie to the cops, we take that part seriously."

#ReplaceChrisBrownSongsWithGRAMMY how about we replace Chris Brown?

UNfollowing someone who just UNfollowed you is the new "Fuck me? Fuck you!"

This face seats five

#ThingsYouCanBuyWithTaxpayerMoney

VOTES from the lazy who sponge off the govt & want to keep their freebies

#ThingsThatMakeThugsCry using correct grammar

I forgot to post on Facebook that I was at the gym. Now my whole workout was a waste of time.

If you eat it, she will cum

#ThoughtsAtWalmart just get in and get out....just get in and get out....just get in and get out....

Casey Anthony dials 911 & dispatcher asks "what is problem?"

Casey "i fear for my life"
911: "hang tight someone will be there in 31 days"

I will see your point and will raise you a fuck off and die.

#SignsShesNotThe1 her name is @kimkardashian

#SignsAPersonCantCook you've had toast every day for dinner for 5 years

I wonder how old Jenna Jameson's twins will be when they realize they weren't the first two guys to be in her at the same time

My neighbor was fucked up and I changed all the contacts in his phone. Can't wait til he gets calls from Dirk Diggler, Ricky Bobby, & Obama

Funniest descrip of someone on Twitter:
"I'm the Founding Father of the Reverse Dutch Oven, and a World Renowned Beanbag DryHumping Legend."

#EveryBeatMatters unless it's today's rap & hip/hop then it's just slap a slow drum, clap to it, mumble and some idiot will buy it