Me: Did it hurt?

Her: Did what hurt?

Me: When you fell out of the whore tree and banged every guy on your way down.

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out "Marry me?" on pizzas all the time, just to make things awkward for couples.

I am out of vodka, so I ate a potato and threw myself down the stairs.

This face seats five

UNfollowing someone who just UNfollowed you is the new "Fuck me? Fuck you!"

NEW bumper stickers: "Florida, where you can kill your child and get away with it. Just don't lie to the cops, we take that part seriously."

If you eat it, she will cum

I forgot to post on Facebook that I was at the gym. Now my whole workout was a waste of time.

I will see your point and will raise you a fuck off and die.

My neighbor was fucked up and I changed all the contacts in his phone. Can't wait til he gets calls from Dirk Diggler, Ricky Bobby, & Obama

Funniest descrip of someone on Twitter:
"I'm the Founding Father of the Reverse Dutch Oven, and a World Renowned Beanbag DryHumping Legend."

I wonder how old Jenna Jameson's twins will be when they realize they weren't the first two guys to be in her at the same time

#ReplaceChrisBrownSongsWithGRAMMY how about we replace Chris Brown?

Casey Anthony dials 911 & dispatcher asks "what is problem?"

Casey "i fear for my life"
911: "hang tight someone will be there in 31 days"

#ThingsYouCanBuyWithTaxpayerMoney

VOTES from the lazy who sponge off the govt & want to keep their freebies

IT'S FRIDAY.....FORECAST for this weekend: Alcohol, Low Standards and Poor Decisions.

@defemmefatale you're a fucking dirty ass hoe who needs to find a fucking rubber because you're probably diseased also. CUNT

Falling asleep in meetings isn't good when it's just two of you

You know what I found in the closet? One hundred 1978 calendars.
Tell ya, if 1978 ever comes back, we're in great shape.

#ThoughtsAtWalmart just get in and get out....just get in and get out....just get in and get out....