My 6y/o says she doesn't laugh at my jokes because they aren't funny so I told her that her artwork was shit and took it off the fridge.

I ordered a coffee and the barista asked what size. I told her size didn't matter. We laughed. Then she gave me an extra large coffee.

Ladies, if you get in an argument with a guy and you have no chance of winning, start playing with your boobs. Trust me on this one.

I just DM'ed my husband & told him I want to have sex. Of course it's a lie, I just want him to come upstairs & turn out the bedroom light.

I am definitely not the type of girl you can take home to your mom...but your dad would be into me.

I want that job where you stand around with 3 other guys and look down a manhole.

I am not comfortable with eye contact so I always make a conscious effort to have at least one nipple exposed.

I bet the best job in the world is the one where you get to decide the titles for porn movies.

I want to have a 3some with two guys. One will be folding laundry. One will be mopping the floor. I'll be on the couch eating chocolate.

My husband asks too many questions. "Who is Steve?" "Why does he call all the time?" "What's this bill for a hotel room?"

"This ain't my first rodeo" ~ me, at my second rodeo.

I'm not entirely convinced that TV is doing a good job of raising my kids.

Sometimes I give my kids koolaid and say it's "Jonestown juice", they don't get it but I laugh and laugh maniacally.

Just found out my daughter has been getting her bus driver to sign all the tests she failed. That's actually pretty brilliant.

My daughter asked me to take her to see the new Twilight movie. I told her to pack her bags and get out of my house.

If you use the word "fuck" in your tweet there is a 95% chance I am starring that shit.

Damn these large and magnificent breasts for making jogging damn near impossible for me.

People pay for followers? Why don't you use that money and pay for sex instead? It's less desperate.

I don't need alcohol to have a good time but I do need it to get through any family function.

My version of porn is watching someone wash my dishes.