Happy Turkey Day! Today is they day Turkey gained its Indy Pendants.

Bring us a snobbery!

He provides companionship? RT @77stephanieg77: What's the point of having a pet zombie if he won't eat people on command?

How do you get super glue off of your eyeball? Asking for a friend.

I could get some sleep if you guys would just shut up for 10 minutes.

Happy Cake Day!

What's everybody celebrating so suddenly? Is it Easter or something?

I hate racism almost as much as I hate crackers.

I am Jack's uncontrolled shrinkage.

Every guy who's come in to use the urinal while I've been on the pot has breathed really heavily. I guess my poop just smells that good.

I don't have periods. RT @saharwhy: Raise your hand if you don't want to go to apush next period *raises hand*

Where's the take-back-everything-I've-ever-said-wrong button?

All of my sentences are female because they have periods.

So...I guess that's a no to using that bottle rocket as a dildo and letting me watch?

I got a garden tool, hired a hooker, and had her use it to till up the soil in my garden. I was then able to say I was having a ho hoe.

@agenttomcat Oh no! Did you get away?

Nobody doesn't think Sara Lee's a MILF.

The one I temporarily misplaced. RT @p_duvall: Do you wish me to be 'the one who got away' or 'the one you nearly lost'?

Dean Martin walked into a bar. And never came out.

Tigers make good house pets, don't they? I hope so.